Can Your Booty Call Turn Into A Relationship?

17 May bootycall

Short answer? No. Long answer? It’s Complicated. How do you know? Well, you don’t. Sometimes it happens, but, more often than not, it doesn’t. Let’s be honest here, someone engaging in a booty call isn’t thinking relationship, they are thinking SEX … hot, passionate, rip your clothes off sex. They aren’t your friend (that’s a friends with benefits), they are someone who calls you up randomly to have sex, then, they leave. A while back I wrote a post called Booty Call-iquette When You’re Single and Dating and in it I gave the good, the bad and the ugly of booty calls in addition to some rules for booty calls should you have them. Some of these rules include engaging in the sexual act but none of the relationship stuff. For example, no cuddling and no sleeping over. Booty calls are all sex, nothing else. Unemotional sex. It’s physical pleasure. They should only randomly take place once in a while, not daily, not several times a week and not weekly. Is this a good or bad thing? Depends who you ask.

It’s All Fun And Games Until Someone Wants More

I get countless questions about booty calls. Additionally, many of the searches people do to come to my blog are related to this topic. Here are some of the main questions:

  • How do I turn my booty call into a relationship?
  • How do I know if I’m just a booty call?
  • How to keep my booty call from leaving me?
  • Is my booty call a relationship?
  • Does my booty call love me?
  • My booty call is jealous.
  • How do I make my booty call want more than just sex?
  • I think about my booty call all the time.

bootycallYikes! See a theme here? You guessed it … someone has developed feelings for their booty call and it has become emotional for them. These questions are not from one or two people, these are from A LOT of people. This is daily. This isn’t good and it concerns me. Booty calls should be unemotional, all about the fun, but, not everyone can have unemotional sex. Therefore, not everyone should engage in booty call behavior. I’ve said this before. If you know you’re in a vulnerable place then this activity isn’t for you. If you’re a “feeler” and not a “doer” then this isn’t for you. Be honest with yourself and protect yourself. Only YOU can protect you from being hurt. You know yourself and be true to you, especially when it comes to this. Otherwise, you will be left sad and lonely, and, worst of all, empty. Some people can engage in this behavior with absolutely no problems and are able to walk away without missing a beat. Most can’t. Let’s be honest.

Can Your Booty Call Turn Into A Relationship?

Well, like I said, anything is within the realm of possibility, but the odds are against you. Let me tell you why. If this person wanted a relationship with you they would have a relationship with you. They would want to see you outside of the bedroom. They would want to hang out and make things exclusive. They aren’t? Well, then chances are it’s because they are interested in only sex. If you really feel that there is something more there and you want to see where it goes, then, you initiate something. Ask them out to something different, something you both would enjoy that doesn’t start or end in sex. If they say yes and actually follow through with it, then you might be on to something. The key is balancing sexual and non-sexual activities, including social ones. Can you function as a “couple” without sex? Yes? Then a relationship might be developing. No? Then you will want to end this arrangement ASAP because you’re only going to get hurt because you want more and they obviously don’t.

Don’t invest your time and energy into someone who only wants you for sex and nothing more. I always say “if someone wants to be with you they will be”. Plain. Simple. Go out and find someone worthy of you and who will appreciate you for all the wonderful things you can bring into their lives. Find someone who fulfills you mind, body and soul. If you need to scratch an itch every once in a while then make sure there are no strings attached with your hook up and you don’t make it a habit and keep it short term. Let’s be honest, isn’t sex oh so much better when two people actually love each other and are committed? When there is an emotional connection that goes both ways? I think so, no, I KNOW so!

What do you think? Do you agree or disagree? Can booty calls turn into a relationship? Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

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Do We Really Want To Know WHY They Broke Up With Us?

15 May giving feedback

I recently had the pleasure to watch an Independent Film/Documentary out of the UK called “A Complete History of My Sexual Failures” and I found it brilliant!  The director and main character of the film had the idea of going around to all his ex-girlfriends to see why they all broke up with him.  Needless to say the majority of them didn’t want to speak with him, but some did and went on to tell him why he was a selfish ass and not an ideal boyfriend at all … oh and he was awful in bed.  That’ll do it! It’s hilarious, awkward and strange all rolled into one.   You should watch it if you have the chance, it’s on NetFlix.  Anyway, it got me thinking, would I want to know why all those men broke up with me?  I have to say I have done my fair share of dumping too, would I tell them why?

Why Do People Break Up?

giving feedbackPeople break up generally because they are no longer happy in their current arrangement.  Their needs aren’t being met and things just aren’t moving in a positive direction.  Obviously it’s better when it’s mutual, but typically it isn’t and the other person is left feeling confused and upset, especially if there is no closure.  Sometimes there’s no real reason for breaking up, just the end of feelings or not wanting to be with the person anymore and there’s nothing wrong with that.  But, people always want to know why.  They want answers.  But we all know, the truth hurts, so is it worth it, or, is ignorance bliss?

I polled my Twitter and Facebook followers a couple of times to see what they thought and almost everyone who responded wanted the closure that came with knowing WHY.  However, some really didn’t want to know and others didn’t have faith that they would get the real answer anyway. Like the protagonist of the movie I mentioned, they wanted to know what happened.  What do I personally think?  I think I would want to know why.  I need that closure or else it’s just an open wound festering for longer than it needs to.  If it was mutual then no need to for answers, we both didn’t want to be together, but if someone up and disappeared on me, or hurt me badly I want to know why.  I always extend that courtesy to someone I’ve broken up with.  It’s only fair that they know and more often than not it goes well.

Is There a Benefit to Knowing Why They Broke Up With Us?

I really do think there is a benefit to knowing why they broke with us.  I’ll tell you why.  Getting constructive feedback from others benefits us greatly, not only are we able to correct our actions, we can learn about what works and doesn’t work with us.  Let’s admit it, we don’t always like hearing it, because, you know, we’re perfect and we were the ideal partner … or were we?  Just doing self assessments I see lots of things I did wrong and things I could have done differently in relationships, imagine what THEY were thinking.  I know depending on what stage of my life I was in I could have been unknowingly clingy, distant or even bossy (cue friends saying “Suzie bossy? Never!).  We’re not perfect, we all make mistakes.  The important thing is to LEARN from them, so getting constructive feedback after a breakup is beneficial.  That’s what the protagonist in the movie learned as well.  He didn’t realize how horrible at relationships he was until he heard it from several of his exes.

How To Give Constructive Feedback

Gently!  In order for it to not look like criticism or attack, you need to be kind and gentle about it.  It also has to be information specific and related to the relationship, don’t bring in outside influencers or events.  So here are some points to remember:

  • Keep it on topic.
  • Base it on truthful, factual observations, not suspicions or hearsay.
  • It has to benefit them in some way.
  • Say how the action made you feel (“when you did this I felt that”)
  • Speak about what you liked about them not only what you didn’t.
  • Be direct and get to the point quickly.
  • Don’t send mixed messages that might be interpreted differently.

These points are also beneficial when you’re in a relationship and want to discuss an issue before it becomes a big problem.  These techniques have worked for me both in my personal and professional life and I think can benefit you too.  Try it, what have you got to lose?

So, do you really want to know why they broke up with you? How do you do it? Let’s discuss in the comments!!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

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Prince Charming Syndrome

13 May prince charming

OK just a warning this might sound like a rant or man bashing, but it’s not at all. I’ve been bed ridden for the past few days and had time to think and observe the dynamics between men and women in general and it’s interesting really.  I love observing people.  No offense intended just making an observation from what I’ve seen happening around me and from  my own experience … feel free to disagree with me in the comments, I don’t mind :) But please do so respectfully … soo let’s discuss …

prince charmingGirls spend their lives waiting to get married … for their prince charming to sweep them off their feet and take them away to their castle and live happily ever after. Think about it, all the fairy tales girls are read while growing up are about handsome princes rescuing princesses in distress. Even my four year old niece the other day told me not to worry because my prince was in his castle far far away waiting for me. (She said she would take me to him if I bought her a new dress … I’m thinking this is a scam lol) These gallant men, good looking, heroic, charming and brave. Even in history we hear tales of the Braveheart’s of the world. Let’s take a look around us… do guys like that even exist? No, or at least I haven’t met any!

Gone are the days when a leader rides into battle ahead of his troops. These days a nation’s leader rules from the comfort and safety of their offices while they send out naive young men and women to fight nonsensical battles. When real trouble ensues they are whisked away to bunkers and places to hide. Where is the gallantry in that? Also, whatever happened to honesty and integrity and honor for that matter. It used to be that someone’s word was their bond.

How many men these days will actually stand up for their woman or any woman in general? How many men will actually defend a woman’s honor? Many men these days are either brutes … selfish and only after their happiness and pleasure … or the other extreme whiny wimps. Women in general are expected to take care of themselves and be independent. I’ve said this before, rare is the man who is a real man. They do exist, I’m not saying they don’t, but they’re a rare commodity these days. Where are the balls in this operation? All I’ve been meeting is men who are all penis and no balls!!

Men often save their bravery and smarts for their own purposes and success and women are just expected to follow along and even be another possession. Then there are the men who are passive and expect the world to just pass them by. They wont fight or try for anything. So what is the definition of a real man these days? We can’t judge them on the prince charming characteristics. I asked around and most women would say what they want in a man is someone who is a good provider for his family, but many women are the main bread winners of the family. Some women said a man who is intelligent, but just because a man is intelligent doesn’t make him a valuable partner. Some women said a man with good social skills and connections, but does that make him more prone to not need her? I suppose a mixture of all of these is desirable, but where do you draw the line?

Let’s face it, men aren’t needed anymore, women have the opportunity to be educated, have good jobs and live independently with friends and family for companionship. They can even have children without a man. So what is the value of having a man? Regardless, isn’t it better to be WANTED and not NEEDED? A partnership of sorts.  I wonder sometimes.

Did the need for prince charming disappear when the damsel in distress disappeared? Perhaps. So what is the answer? Should women’s expectations change? Should they be more “passive” while allowing men to regain their “manliness”. Women’s rights groups would call this heresy. But would it restore balance to the world? Think about it. Divorce rates are steadily increasing, even in more traditional families and communities. People are rather choosing not to marry or make long term commitments to each other. Marriages aren’t working. The traditional definition of marriage has to change in order to help it succeed. This generation is stuck in the middle of seeing their parents “sacrifice all” marriage, even in unhappiness and the “esoteric happiness” they long for. Where does the balance come in?

How are people supposed to be happy? I wish I knew the answer.

What do you think? Do you agree? Disagree?

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

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Ask Single Dating Diva: Is Swinging REALLY That Common? How Do They Meet?

10 May swinging

A little while back I posted a guest post on the Popularity of Swinging, as you can see in the comments and the emails I received it was a very popular topic! One of the main things people were saying was that they didn’t believe it was really that popular, but the thing is it’s not something most people flaunt in public so you don’t know if your neighbour or your friend engages in swinging.  This brings me to my next most popular comment/question about how these people actually meet or know about each other.  I had no idea, so I asked my friends at Swinger Nation to answer that one!  Enjoy!

swingingDear Single Dating Diva,

I was surprised to hear about how popular swinging really is, are there statistics?  How do swingers meet other swinging couples? Is it really that easy to meet others? It’s hard to believe that it’s really that popular!

Sincerely,

Swingingly Intrigued

Dear Swingingly Intrigued,

For the vast majority of couples, date night probably equates to dining at a special place or going to the cinema, but for people that practice the swinger lifestyle, especially those that are committed, date night means finding and meeting couples in order to exchange new sexual experiences with them. The term swinger has been full of misinterpretations and urban myths ever since the lifestyle became popular decades ago.

Although the lifestyle is now gaining lots of widespread acceptance, it still manages to elicit images of hippie parties and middle aged couples interested in fulfilling fantasies. However, those that are deeply involved with the lifestyle, such as owners of swinger websites and meeting organizers, assure that the popularity of the practice is increasing exponentially. Although it’s tricky to know just how many people practice swinging, there are estimates that mention over 14 million worldwide. We cannot deny that this is an impressive number for a conduct that was perceived as inappropriate sexual behavior decades ago.

There are lots of couples that are interested in embracing the swinger lifestyle; however, they do not know where to go in order to meet other like minded people. The good news is that it has never been easier to meet other swinger couples thanks to online dating sites. The bad news is that many of those couples registered in swinger dating websites are merely curious and are not ready to make a full commitment to the lifestyle. You may have to sort out many options before you find a genuine swinger couple that shares many of the same desires and expectations as you do.

Another option is to enter a swinger club. In these clubs, you might find a couple that shares the same interests as you do with very little effort. A great way to check out which are the best swinger clubs nearby, is with an online search. In just a few minutes, you’ll know if the swinger club you’re interested in joining is right for you. Keep in mind that every swinger club has its own set of rules and restrictions, and you should learn about them before entering.

Another staple of the swinger lifestyle is meeting other couples on a cruise. These cruises are full of adventurous people that are ready to enjoy new experiences with the added benefit of visiting new places. Some swinger cruises will also accept singles if they accept the terms and conditions and their rules.

Hope this answers your questions!

Would love to hear your thoughts and any other questions in the comments section!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

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Single, Dating and Martha Stewart Online Dating

8 May Martha Stewart Online Dating

Last week I was inspired … why? Well, Martha Stewart came out and said she had been online dating.

Martha Stewart Online DatingI was so intrigued by all the kerfuffle about Martha Stewart online dating and looking for love. I mean, this is Martha Stewart … one of the most recognized names in North America and even the world. I’ve always been a fan, although I’m not crafty by any stretch of the imagination, and here’s a fun fact, her and I share the same birthday and many personality traits.

You can check out what I had to say about it … and some advice I had for her right here in my latest on Singles Warehouse:

Single, Dating and Martha Stewart Online Dating

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

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You Want To Put Your Finger Where? My First Date Follies …

6 May First Date

The first date.  I’ve been on  a lot of those lately, I mean A LOT.  Some good, most average, some not so good.  It got me thinking, what makes a good first date and what makes a disastrous first date?  Well, I have to say personally I always put my best foot forward on any date.  I always look good and bring my A-game, even if I realize I’m not interested in the person.  Hey, what can I say, I like to leave a good impression regardless.  I am the Single Dating Diva you know!

Some Fun First Date Follies

Here are some of the guys I’ve met, most of them recently.  All those I’ve been dating are weeded out of a much bigger list and met my basic standards, or so I thought.  Needless to say, there was no second date even though they all wanted one.

  • A guy who wore a clearly dirty shirt.  A big stain right in the front (you don’t own any clean shirts?)
  • A guy who smelled funny.  It wasn’t BO, it wasn’t food … it was another one of those mystery smells (what ever happened to showers?)
  • A guy who felt quite proud that he bought the tea I was drinking (thank you can I give you back the $1.50 please?)
  • A guy who kept telling me that he couldn’t afford this and that basic thing even though apparently he had a good job (um if you can’t manage your finances at 40 then there’s a problem)
  • A guy who kept telling me what a great catch he was and why he was a great catch and didn’t know why he was still single because he was such a great catch (blah blah blah … next!)
  • A guy who kept telling me I was beautiful, smart and sexy (OK not a big deal, right? actually I won’t lie it’s great to hear, but when that was most of the conversation it left a lot to be desired)
  • A guy who was so boring I wanted to leave after 15 minutes (I tried to bring up subjects, but he was a one word wonder, yes, no, I don’t know … blah)
  • A guy who kept interrupting OTHER people’s conversations at the restaurant and gave his opinion then would come back to our conversation (how embarrassing, mind your own business and talk to me!!)
  • A guy with no social or gentlemanly skills whatsoever (didn’t even hold the door open for me and was rude to the people at the coffee shop)
  • An otherwise very attractive, intelligent man who arrived in a ratty old t-shirt and jeans for drinks and a backpack (what the hell? we aren’t 12 and I don’t need a project)
  • A guy who worked with his hands who told me how he was very talented with his fingers and could “please” me like no other and offered to stick his finger, um, somewhere the sun doesn’t shine, to prove to me that his fingers were magic (What. The. F.?)
  • I can’t talk about first dates without talking about my all time craziest experience …  who could ever forget the guy who, you know, pulled his penis out on the first date … yes, pulled it out, in public (if you remember I asked him if he wanted me to leave them alone, then, I did, I left them alone)

Making a Good First Date Impression

First DateOK, I’ve written about this before and it’s worth repeating because clearly it hasn’t sunk in … That First Date talks about what to consider before, during and after the date and my post What To Talk About On The First Date for some ideas so I won’t repeat myself, but, regardless of what I’ve written and what you’ve read and heard countless times from many other writers, coaches and friends, men and women STILL perform poorly on first dates.  What is the problem? Well, I’m sure nerves play a big part, some people are just serial first daters and aren’t really looking for something real, but most people just don’t consciously put their best foot forward.

You need to make a good impression on the first date!! First impressions DO count.  For goodness sake put on a clean shirt and take a shower!! This is BASIC!! This person is definitely analyzing whether or not to keep dating you.  Why on earth would you self sabotage?  Like for example the guys mentioned above who came with dirty clothes, came smelling bad or even the ones who had nothing interesting to say … they made a conscious decision to put THAT foot forward, why?   Wonder why you’re still single? THAT’S WHY!!!

What makes a good date? Well, a good impression physically and a great conversation, regardless of what you’re doing.  What makes a date disastrous? Well, doing or saying something that totally turns the other person off.  Some people just don’t fit the bill, and that’s OK.  I am still single because I am particular about what kind of man I want to be with and who I date, I make bad choices too, but I know what I’m looking for and won’t settle into a relationship just to not be single anymore.  If I really didn’t want to be single I could be with someone anytime I want, but I want the right someone not just any someone.  I do love to date and meet new people and definitely have been pleasantly surprised before.  One thing I always do regardless is put my best foot forward and bring my A-game to EVERY date.  I always make a good impression  because, you know, I wouldn’t want to be someone else’s story LOL …

Tell me about some of your first date follies! I would love to hear about them in the comments!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

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Guest Post: 7 Reasons Not To Date Before You’re Ready

3 May dating before you're ready

Dating again after the end of a relationship is a scary step, but how do you know you’re ready?  In today’s guest post, the author from eHarmony Canada discusses why you shouldn’t date until you’re ready.  Enjoy!

You Won’t Enjoy Yourself

Dating is all about excitement and fun – things you won’t be able to experience if you just don’t feel ready. The thrill of meeting new people, going to new places and having hopes for the future – none of them will quite feel real to you unless you’re truly ready to get back on the scene.

You Might Not Be Over Your Ex

Many people don’t feel ready for dating again because they still have feelings for their ex. If this is the case, you definitely shouldn’t start looking for someone new as you won’t have room for new feelings to appear. It’s better to have a clean break before starting to date again.

The Other Person May Get Hurt

If you’re not ready to date again and you go ahead anyway, you’re running the risk of hurting the people you choose to date. You could well meet someone who wants to get serious. If you’re not prepared for that, they’ll be hurt and confused.

There Might Still Be A Chance To Get Back With Your Ex

Your last relationship might not be as finished as you think it is. If it hasn’t been long since you broke up with your ex, there could still be a chance of reconciliation. This could leave any new partners in the lurch should you decide to take this option.

dating before you're readyDating Won’t Fulfil You

Dating someone will only help you to feel fulfilled if you’re sure it’s what you want. The things that we rely on relationships to give us won’t mean anything if you feel unsure. There are plenty of things on offer which will help you feel happy about yourself, such as work, family and friends. There’s no need to date just because you feel something is missing.

You’ll Miss Out On Other Opportunities

What if you had the chance to travel the world or take an exciting new job in a different city? If you’d like the chance to do these things, getting back on the dating scene might not be the best idea. Being single has plenty of perks to it – don’t miss out if you’re not sure about dating.

You’re Not Being Honest

Don’t try and make yourself do anything that you don’t want to do. Dating is something which takes a lot of time and energy and both of those things can easily be spent elsewhere. When you’re newly single it might feel strange to be on your own, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

How do you know you’re ready (or not ready) to start dating again? Would love to hear about it in the comments!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Author Bio

As someone who has done plenty of soul-searching, I know what the risks are in letting someone else into your life before you’re ready. Relationships are hard work, whether you’ve been married for twenty years or you’re just starting to date through eHarmony.ca. Once you’re feeling more comfortable with being alone, you’ll be in a much better position to meet someone special.  

Follow eHarmony Canada on Twitter.

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