In this guest post by Julia (@ManManipulator) she speaks about her “Crazy Man” story. At first it seemed like a “fairy tale romance” come to life … but when the spell wore off she started seeing things as they really were. It’s really too bad the clock will always strike midnight, whether we like it or not, and the truth will always come to light.
People don’t go crazy because they are angry, malicious, or have a few loose screws. Mostly, it’s because they’re lonely.
As a chick, if you’re dating a lonely guy, you only see the good parts of that. He calls back quickly. He calls a lot. He’s available—something any of us who have been out there long enough and played the, when will he call? when will he ask me out again? game know is hard to find.
The first guy I fell in love with was crazy. I mean, 3X attempted suicide and had a tab at his local rehab. I didn’t know any of this when I began dating him, of course.
All I could see was that he was all about me. After the first date he texted: “When do I get to kidnap you?” I was too deprived of that kind of attention to even want to consider there was something wrong with that type of attention.
After the third date it was: “I’ve never felt this way about someone so quickly.” Again, after letting too many guys drag me along and “keep it casual” until the day they realized, they never intended to get serious with me, I welcomed this type of sentiment. The little whisper in the back of my head that said that’s not NORmaaal….”—I told it to shut up.
I told it to shut up often. When he introduced me to his parents after only two weeks. When he wanted to go away together after only three weeks. When he told me he loved me after only two months. I had gotten so used to telling that little whisper to shut up that that’s exactly what I did when he told me he’d rather I wasn’t friends with any males, and had me unfriend my close guy friends on Facebook. And went through my Facebook messages and emails regularly.
That’s not NORmaaal…. Shut up.
I was fawned over. He was passionate about me. He wanted me to be all his. It was addictive. Over time, the things that were not normal piled up. He would suddenly ask for “alone time” and lock himself in his room for an hour, hysterically crying. His parents, whom he was civil with in the beginning, he began to say god-awful things about. He had god-awful things suddenly to say about everyone, including his “best friends” he’d introduced me to.
Before I knew it, he never wanted to leave his apartment. He didn’t want me to leave his apartment. And I was madly in love. This progression probably sounds odd, but I can explain. He was, quite simply, one of those people who didn’t love himself. And who thought that having someone else love him would fix everything. He was depressed. He had a horrible relationship with his parents. He had major jealousy issues of his friends—if they were happy, successful, in love, he was jealous. He was just a deeply insecure person and he turned that terror outward by obsessing over the women he dated. And then, controlling them. And then realizing, once again, that someone else couldn’t fix him. And that he couldn’t ignore the problems in his life much longer. But he would try, by taking a firmer grip on his girlfriend. As his own issues and insecurities began to surround him, he would just reach for the girl in his life more. I was the problem. I was the insecure one. I was cheating (apparently). He was FINE!
It was very hard to untangle myself from this toxic relationship. There was so much that was unsaid between us. So much arguing. And so much of what I just didn’t know what was real anymore—when I was the crazy one, or when he was. Was I too flirty with that bartender? Was my best male friend actually madly in love with me and trying to split my guy and me up? Had I begun dressing too provocatively? My guy was so good at spinning my head around to the point where I didn’t know the answers to these questions anymore—these accusations.
Luckily, body helped me. I had my first every anxiety attack while I was with this guy. And they only progressed. They become debilitating, to the point where I’d need to lie down every thirty minutes when I was around him. I couldn’t ignore that, and I ended it.
But, not everyone could be so lucky and that’s point of this story. We live in the era of casual dating. Of men holding onto the word “girlfriend” for dear life, only releasing it onto you if you’ve after you’ve been dragged around by them, confused, ignored, then loved, for months—even years sometimes. We can become so hectic for passion, that we can become blinded by it when it comes our way—like I was.
Be grateful for the men who want to take it slow. They are stable.
Great advice! I totally agree … sometimes we are so eager to be loved that our loneliness allows us to let go of common sense and to rationalize bad behavior. I totally agree … a guy who wants to move too fast, who says “I love you” too fast and who wants to be your whole world before you’ve even explored a 1/4 of theirs has some sort of underlying problem. Pinch yourself, and pinch hard, heck I’ll even pinch you. It’s not worth it. You deserve someone mentally stable. Don’t settle!
You can follow Julia’s great insights on Twitter @ManManipulator and her video blog here:
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva