OK what guy doesn’t fantasize about having a threesome with two women? Single, Dating, Married … it doesn’t matter. It’s a common fantasy. Heck, some women, actually a lot of women, also fantasize about having threesomes with two guys. Who doesn’t want to be in the middle of a sexy sandwich with all the attention lavished on them? Talk about an ego boost! That is … if everything goes smoothly, everything, ahem, works, no one gets jealous and everyone has fun. This is a question I got recently from one of my readers. What would you do?
Dear Single Dating Diva,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We have a great relationship and sex life. We have our ups and downs like everyone else, but we deal with them and move on. We’ve talked about taking our relationship to the next level and are both confident that’s what we want. But, recently, my boyfriend asked me if I would be willing to have a threesome with another woman. I was floored. I thought he was satisfied sexually with me. He says he is, that this would just be something different, some variety. I love him and want to spend my life with him, does that mean I should do this? For him? Help!!
Thanks,
Typical Twosome
Dear Typical Twosome,
Thanks for your question. The threesome, or menage a trois, is definitely a sticky situation. But, it doesn’t necessarily help your relationship, actually it might just hinder the relationship in most situations. Even if the other woman is a complete stranger, she will always “be there”. It’s really hard to separate your emotions from the sexual act. This is why I really advise against having threesomes when you’re in a committed relationship. In most cases, the relationship suffers as a result. The only exception is if the couple is open sexually and can leave their emotions at the door and enjoy the event for what it is. This doesn’t seem the case for you and your boyfriend. You shouldn’t have a threesome just to make him happy. It has to be something you both want, your hesitation shows me that it’s not something you are comfortable with.
If you don’t decide to do it, then I suggest trying some other new risky sexual adventures that you haven’t tried before. Perhaps a some funky positions, doing it somewhere naughty, go to your local or online sex store and buy some toys or raunchy lingerie to try or even watching lesbian or threesome porn while you have sex. There are lots of fun things you can do as a couple that will spice up your sex life without bringing another person into the equation.
If you do decide to go ahead with it, remember to set the ground rules in advance (like what’s allowed and not), choose someone you’re both attracted to and comfortable with, do it somewhere other than your bedroom (like a hotel), wear protection, make sure all participants get equal attention and try to keep your jealousy in check.
I’m of the opinion that threesomes should only take place among friends, acquaintances or complete strangers, not within the context of a relationship. But that’s just my personal opinion. Remember, whatever you decide, make sure you are completely convinced it’s the right thing for you and be safe!!
Have you been asked to have a threesome? Have you had a threesome? Did it help or hurt your relationship?
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Hello Div! I think you handled this perfectly; I agree, the lady in question doesn’t seem at all keen and I don’t think this is a fantasy that she can easily participate in just to make her man happy. Dress up, role play, new positions and locations – sure! But a threesome, I dunno, it’s different huh? I think you and many of your commentors are right – she needs to talk this through with her man more, ask him (because it is relevant) how he’d feel if it were her, him and another guy. And he must be honest about his want, is it just a fantasy that can happily remain so or an overwhelming urge he feels he must have. If the latter is true, problem! But if he can respect her concerns, then I say open the discussion on other fantasys and focus on the ones you’re both keen to try. I can only speak from mine and Hubbys experience, but I do think ours is fairly common. We both have this fantasy, but for me it’s him, another guy and me, while he fantasises of me, him and (you guessed it) another girl. Both of us fantasise that the other male or female would be hot …. it’s not long before we can also imagine the jealously involved in trying it to fulfil the others ideal. So it remains limited to our fantasies and porn
But, it is only one of many fantasies we have and others we CAN act out or participate in and both enjoy! Great post, I think you handled the question sympathetic to the girl who was asking. Awesome stuff!
Thanks for your comment! I completely agree that you can find other ways to fulfill your fantasies … just use your imagination!
I scrolled through the previous comments and I do think they all bring some valid points to the discussion. I think there are people who don’t have the best or most positive experience when it comes to engaging in a threesome.
Talk about it. In my experience it was something we talked about for a year and I still had my reservations. That being said it is reassuring to see that it can work. Not necessarily for everyone but that’s just how it goes.
XO
Thanks for the comment! Perhaps there really isn’t a right or wrong answer … just do what feels right and don’t feel pressured.
I am not trying to be negative but I respectfully disagree with your advice. To begin with not all men fantasize about two women threesome and some straight men fantasize about two men threesome. Why? Some reasons may include two male threesomes are easier to arrange thereby making the threesome more accessible. Another reason a two male threesome is about sharing and seeing their partner happy.
Another issue is you equate threesome with menage a trios. They are not exactly the same thing. A threesome, full swap or soft-swinging, tends to be short-term and the focus is about please instead of forming emotional bonds. Whereas a menage a trios, is akin to a long-term polyamorous relationship involving three people who are equals in the relationship. This means a menage a trios is, in essence, an open relationship that involves a third person as an equal.
Third issue I have is your misleading statement that having a threesome can hinder your relationship. I have been married over 20 years and we have had our threesomes with no ill-effect. Furthermore I know other couples that have had threesomes that have not had problems and statistically about 25% of couples married more than 10 years have had at least one threesome. 25% is nearly double of the general population that has had a threesome and suggest for some couples in long-term relationships having a threesome might be beneficial.
Fourth, you state having a two woman threesome she will always “be there.” I struggle to understand what you mean and it seems to suggest that having a threesome means a couple will never be able to get beyond it? From my experience most couples if they have a loving and trusting relationship built on communication are able to get through having a threesome.
Fifth, you suggest not doing it in the bedroom and going to a hotel. This could, in some jurisdiction, be considered prostitution especially if the couple pays for the hotel room for the invited third person. Also the cost of a hotel can be a stretch for some couples and if the couple is comfortable hosting at their home then there is no reason why they should not.
Sixth, your advice about threesome happening only among friends, acquaintances, or strangers is potentially dangerous, especially the latter two. From experience there is nothing wrong with a couple having a threesome. If done right, it can be an intensely erotic experience that both will remember.
With that said, I do not believe every couple should have a threesome due to the potential risks involved. However couples that have been together for a few years, are very good communicators and have a relationship built on trust, I feel have the foundation for discussing if a threesome is appropriate for them. Should they decide it is, then they will have the foundation for a threesome that can be enjoyable for them. Therefore I would not discourage a couple from having a threesome but would caution them about the potential risk including risk to their relationship.
Thank you for your comment. I think it’s great you and your partner have a great, open sexual relationship. However, it’s not something everyone is comfortable with. As you said (and I said), it’s not for everyone. I was answering a specific question from someone who I think isn’t ready, or willing, to take that jump. Thanks for reading!
I don’t believe threesomes on their own hinder or help a relationship. If there are problems in paradise, this is the last place you want to go. The only third person you may need is a therapist. That said, Nuggie (my man) and I love Paul Newman’s saying… why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home… but then we added this little tidbit: But it never hurts to add a little shrimp on the side. Surf and Turf baby! BUT – people must be both interested in this – that’s my firm belief, and it sounds like this girl wants the traditional situation. She’d best pack it up unless she is able to have a major paradigm shift and actually live it out…
Thanks Ms.Cheevious! Although sexual experimentation is fun, everyone has their limits and should try new things but only if they’re comfortable doing it.
This is an interesting topic that always warrants a very long, detailed discussion to be sure every motive is out in the open, every wish, desire, etc… is expressed. It could simply be that her boyfriend is into a more extremest form of sex life, and that is something he should explain, and she should consider before moving in any direction. If it is not the case, and his needs are not being met, there may be other things she can do to spice things up that won’t entail bringing another person in. Great post!
Thanks for your comment Luann! Communication is definitely key! You need to be on the same page in every way, including sexually, in order for the relationship to be a success.
Going the distance on a fantasy has to be a mutually pleasurable and agreed upon experience; no matter the sexual fantasy. If you are not relaxed and open you will most likely leave the experience with a negative taste in your mouth. As I do agree that threesomes can get complicated, I do not feel it is an automatic relationship killer. Her first thought {“I thought he was sexually satisfied with me”} may indicate that some more discussion may be necessary before any serious plans go into motion. Both partners must be secure in their relationship. I also agree with your advice, Diva, when you mentioned that specific ground rules must be in place! Threesomes can add spice to a relationship but it should be just that…spice, condiment or side-dish. When sexual experimentation becomes the foundation of your relationship, problems are inevitable.
Thanks for your comment! You’re right! Threesomes should add spice and not define a relationship … it’s the little something extra they decide is right for them and go for it. It just doesn’t feel like it’s the right thing for everyone.
Yes agreed that it has to be something that you both want and not just to make the other person happy.because then he/she can always use that excuse “but it will make me happy”. And why can’t it just be a fantasy. You two can always role-play and have an imaginary third person there and talk about what that person is doing. If he says it would be something different and something to spice things up bring up about not another woman but another man and see what his reaction is?
Great advice Jason … there’s so many things you can do to make it happen without it actually happen. Just find where the both of you are comfortable and go for it!
As Diva said, it depends on your relationship. Is one of you at all possessive or jealous? Don’t do it. Either of you paranoid about your partner straying? Don’t do it.
Another thing to bear in mind is this: will he be satisfied with just the once? Or would he then want to make it a regular part of your sex life? I think people worry too much about guys becoming more attached to the “third wheel” – we don’t usually have a problem divorcing sex and attachment, especially if the woman concerned is a stranger – but we *can* get used to the idea of regular kinky sex, and there’s a danger that once your boyfriend has tasted the exotic, he’ll never again be satisfied with “vanilla”, mano a mano sex.
On the other hand, if you’re confident your bond is strong enough to handle a threesome, it’s the perfect bargaining chip for any fantasies you might have. “I’ll do the threesome, on one condition …” Don’t forget about your needs. And if he ever does, ditch him.
Thanks Andy! You’re right … it really depends on the person and the relationship. It’s not for everyone that’s for sure.