Everyone’s looking for a happy ending. They want to find that one person who they really connect with. So what happens when you meet someone, spend time together, they make you happy, they are thoughtful and good to you and you think there is really something there, but, you haven’t really “named” it? Are you dating? Are you exclusive? Are you boyfriend/girlfriend? Do you really need the title? Perhaps not a title, but at least a road map. What do I mean? Well, I’ll tell you.
Definitions Are Changing
Most people define relationships in terms of love, intimacy and sex. If you have those, you should have a relationship, right? Well … not anymore. Do you remember the New York Times article The End of Courtship and all the discussion it generated? Just to jog your memory, the main premise of the article was that dating doesn’t really exist anymore as a result of the new “hookup culture”. It has turned into “hanging out”, “let’s not ruin a good thing” and “we’ll see where it goes”. There are so many options now with online dating and mobile geo dating apps that there is an endless stream of people to meet (I went on Skout for 15 minutes and had 40 people complimenting me and wanting to meet), let’s face it, why should anyone “settle down” when they could be missing out on all the fun and ego stroking, or, heaven forbid, something better? But where does that leave you? I’ll tell you where … ALONE! No one is easily satisfied anymore. They may be completely happy with someone, but, they don’t want to limit their options “just in case”. Well I’m here to tell you that’s B.S.!!
Recently, my teenage cousin was talking about a girl he was spending time with and going on dates with. I asked him if she was his girlfriend and he looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language. I asked him, so what are you, he said “I dunno, we’re just hanging out”. I then asked him if they were exclusive and he replied “ya we are”. He told me that they don’t really use those terms “boyfriend/girlfriend” anymore. It’s “hanging out”, even though they’ve been seeing each other and speaking every day for months. Hmm … really? When I speak to people in their 20′s & 30′s it’s the same story. Rarely does anyone want to define anything … it’s one day a time … seeing how it goes. Why ruin a good thing by defining it? Right? WRONG!!!
Why Defining Relationships IS Necessary
Taking responsibility for your relationships is a sign of maturity. It’s a sign that your life is moving forward. When you spend a lot of time with someone, share your life with them, share your ups and downs with them, when you talk every day, when they are constantly on your mind, when they make you happy and bring something positive into your life why not define it? It helps you focus on each other.
Defining your relationship doesn’t mean you’re committing to spending the rest of your lives together but what it does mean is that you’re committing to being focused on just them and that you’re exclusive. If a long term commitment comes from it then it does, if it doesn’t work out then it doesn’t. No pressure. Just maturity. I know it can be scary, but life is about taking risks. If you don’t take risks, you’ll never know what you’re missing!
When, and How, To Bring It Up
Never assume that you are in a relationship or are exclusive with someone unless they actually say it. There isn’t a right time to bring up the topic, it’s just when it feels right or when you get to a point where you don’t want to waste anymore time or energy on a dead end. Only you can determine when that is. Just ask where you stand in the relationship and if they are ready to be exclusive. Don’t be pushy or demand an answer, or even argue with their answer. Everyone has a right to feel whatever they feel. If they aren’t ready to take that step then respect their choice, thank them for their honesty and decide for yourself whether or not you’re willing to stay on board.
If you’ve got a “dodger” on your hands, you know, someone who dodges the question or runs for the hills whenever you mention the “R” word, then you have your answer already. If someone really wants to be with you, you know what? They will be with you. Obviously, you don’t rock their boat enough for them to want to keep it afloat in the water. So, best to move on. Don’t waste your time with a dodger who doesn’t have enough courage to be honest with you. You deserve better. We ALL deserve better than to be one of the check marks or x’s on a geo dating app … we deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us, and only us.
Are you experiencing this non-committal attitude from people? How are you dealing with it? Would love to hear your comments!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Totally at the “what are we” stage so this rang so true to me!! thank you!!
We see each other 2-3 times a week, we’ve met each others closet friends, his mum sends me her love whenever they speak (despite the fact we’ve not met) and he brought me a present back from a stag (bachelor) party in Rome, and yet I am unable to ask whether we’re exclusive, at least… Makes you wonder why, at 33, I’m unable to grow a pair and ask him???
Maybe this week I will….
Thanks for the comment! It really does take a lot of courage to bring it up but I think it’s necessary. You’re just afraid of the answer but wouldn’t you want the truth?
Men don’t always speak in words. Sometimes they speak in actions. When your guy is sorry he changes your oil, or washes your car. If you are seeing him 2-3 times a week and his mom knows all about you and send her love, you are a couple. Period. Oh and his mom already seems to think you are great (that’s like three quarters of the battle…guys have to be able to bring you home to mom…it’s sorta a requirement) . Singlehotfemale, you need to change your screen name, as you are not single anymore, oh and invite him and his mom out to something…
We don’t have to live in a Facebook relationship status world where everything neatly falls into particular slots with changes broadcast loudly to everyone you know. In reality things are more of a gradient of infinite status without a Facebook news announcement for everyone to “like”. But you can certainly like it yourself!
Thanks for your comment John! I agree sometimes it’s almost obvious but it’s better not to assume, best to confirm. It’s not about saying to the world you’re in a relationship … it’s about knowing where you stand and making sure you’re on the same path. I’ve been in a situation where I was introduced to the parents, saw them and spoke to them several times a week and ultimately, when I asked, we were “getting to know each other” … moral of the story? Don’t assume, confirm.
I am in the infancy stages of a pre-LDR. After 6 months of almost daily writing, and phone conversations we will finally meet next month. I think especially in these cases one needs to be on the same page early on as the travel alone will burn a hole in your wallet.
Also I’d like to share something I read recently from Rob Brezny philospoher/astrologer, that I really thought was funny… (side note – of course be clear of what you REALLY are before you find a cute name for it!)
Rather than referring to someone as your “friend” or “partner,” call him or her your “accomplice,” your “freestyle,” or your “lightning.”
Dead terms like “significant other,” “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” and “spouse” should be retired as well. In their places, try “lushbuddy,” “heartbeat,” or “jelly roll.”
Thanks for your comment! I’ve been exactly where you are and where you’re gonna be LDR style and just be aware that the novelty of the potential great relationship to come could wear off very quickly either during or after your trip. My advice is hope for the best and expect the worst AND have fun regardless!
I agree, at some point the relationship has to have a definition, in the beginning, you both explore, make connections, find common interests, and then what’s the next step? This question can be the make it or break it point of the whole relationship and can definitely cause either one a lot of pain or heartbreak. If you’re not confident enough in the feelings that may or may not be being reciprocated, it’s time to put the question out there, are we exclusive? If so, then let the next steps flow through with the comfort of feeling like you belong together, that he/she feels the same and wanting to move forward together, making decisions together, taking into consideration the opinion or feelings of the other. If there is hesitation, and one or the other doesn’t feel the same, then it’s time to let go, cut your losses and move on, because the most horrible feeling in the world is staying and always wondering, feeling used like you’re just an option if there isn’t anything else better around the corner. Also defining the relationship instead of assuming will cut down on heartbreak if you find out you may not be the only one in this little dreamy happy relationship. So yes, I think relationships need a definition.
Thanks for your comment Judy! Couldn’t have said it better myself!
Stuck in the “scared to bring it up” stage. It really does suck not knowing. But at the same time, I don’t want to “rock the boat” as I’m going on vacation to visit him in May, already paid for and cat get a refund. Did I mention this is a long distance relationship? That sucks, too. Any advice?
Thanks for your comments! I completely agree Long Distance Relationships (LDR) are difficult situations when it comes to defining things. It really depends what it is you are looking for. What’s important in an LDR is being on the same page about exclusivity and where the relationship is going. There is definitely a risk of wasting your time with a LDR, so the earlier you get on the same page the better. And … if you want to be together, who’s going to move? May is a long time away, so I can see your hesitation to rock the boat … so you need to decide – have the conversation now or after your trip. Hope this helps!!
I agree with you – I think defining the relationship is a sign of maturity and moving forward with your life. For younger people – ie. teens & early 20′s like your cousin, maybe the term “hanging out” fits. However I think once you’re my age – early 30′s – you should be able to date for awhile and then have the talk where you decide what you’re doing. I like to get to know the person for a bit but eventually I need to know whether we’re on the same page – because if we’re not, I don’t want to waste my time.
Thanks for your great insights Simone. You are so right, when someone is a teenager/early 20′s then perhaps no need to define. The older you get, though, the more responsible and mature you should be. Not always the case.