Single Dating Diva

Have you ever been told that you’re too picky and that’s why you’re single?  I have.  But I don’t think I am, I think I’m being selective.  I’ve found myself asking the question “To Settle or Not To Settle” every time I meet someone new.  I always choose not to settle.  Why? Well, that’s how I got into the wrong marriage and wrong relationships before.  I knew what I wanted and needed in a partner but I ignored it because I didn’t want to be alone.  Settling was the wrong decision for me and I’m not going to make that mistake again.

Is There Something Better?

There definitely is.  As hard as it is to imagine, especially if you’re single and having a hard time finding someone, there is something better out there.  There has to be.  Why settle for less?  It’s not worth it.  I truly believe that anyone can have just any significant other in their life if they are willing to forego their standards.  Is that really worth it? I’m not saying be picky, but each and every one of us has certain things that we won’t budge on and that’s OK.  There are also things that are “nice to have’s” that might be seen as superficial, like hair color or even baldness that perhaps we should overlook but, really, that’s up to you.

Finding the right someone is definitely much more difficult than finding just anyone.  These days it seems like it’s becoming even harder, or is it just me?  It seems that many who SAY they want a real relationship much prefer casual relationships rather than something real.  There are also those who are looking for the thunderbolt kind of love that they won’t settle for less.  Not sure who’s right or who’s wrong here, all I know is that I am holding out for something better than what’s I’ve gotten so far.  Although I love being single and enjoy dating tremendously, I really want to find a partner, but the RIGHT partner, not just any partner.

What Is Happiness Really?

I recently was listening to a TED Talk by Psychologist Barry Schwartz about the “Secret of Happiness” and what he said resonated with me.  He said that “the secret of happiness is low expectations” (huh!?), then after all the laughs he said that, really the secret to happiness is realistic and modest expectations.  I have to say I agree with him.  How many times do we invest too much, too fast into something we think we want and then dump a truck full of expectations on an unsuspecting potential partner only to scare them away?  I know I’ve done it, and, I know you’ve done it too.  He goes on to say that the reason we’re unhappy is because we have too many choices and we don’t know what to choose anymore because what if something better comes along.  All these choices allow us to do better, but, ultimately, make us feel worse because our expectations increase and this produces less satisfaction with the results we do get.  He says that “with so many options to choose from, people find it very difficult to choose at all.”  I think this definitely rings true in the dating world.

Expectation is the Root of all Heartache ~William Shakespeare

The Cost of Holding Out For Something Better

I recently read this and found it profoundly true … I just had to share it with you as is …

“Men frequently refuse to commit to one relationship because they don’t want to limit their choices. Often they will be in the midst of spending time with and enjoying a particular woman, and don’t have any other opportunities to consider. Still, they are eager to remain uncommitted on the off chance that a better alternative will soon present itself. In an era when it’s not difficult to hookup with strangers, that better option may be only a weekend away. Of course, he won’t commit to that woman either, and on and on it goes.

Women fall into a variation of the same trap. We meet a guy, enjoy his company,want to like him. But we find we just can’t make it happen. He may have lots of good qualities, but he’s not the catch we dreamed of as we watched The Notebook again last weekend. We want an all-consuming, passionate love, but how many couples do you know like that? How many couples have been brought together by a powerful romantic destiny? In my own life, I don’t know any. I know many happy couples, but they’re not storybook relationships. They’re imperfect, messy, real and rewarding.”

So there you go.  Holding out isn’t always the best choice, but you need to decide for yourself if you are being reasonable and if giving that certain someone a chance is worth it for you.  Maybe it is.  Maybe they are the right someone but you just haven’t seen it yet.  It’s really your decision and yours alone.

Are you holding out for something better? How has that worked for you? Do you feel you’re being reasonable? Is the secret to happiness low expectations?  I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments!!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Tags: dating, love, relationship, single

OK just a warning this might sound like a rant or man bashing, but it’s not at all. I’ve been bed ridden for the past few days and had time to think and observe the dynamics between men and women in general and it’s interesting really.  I love observing people.  No offense intended just making an observation from what I’ve seen happening around me and from  my own experience … feel free to disagree with me in the comments, I don’t mind But please do so respectfully … soo let’s discuss …

Girls spend their lives waiting to get married … for their prince charming to sweep them off their feet and take them away to their castle and live happily ever after. Think about it, all the fairy tales girls are read while growing up are about handsome princes rescuing princesses in distress. Even my four year old niece the other day told me not to worry because my prince was in his castle far far away waiting for me. (She said she would take me to him if I bought her a new dress … I’m thinking this is a scam lol) These gallant men, good looking, heroic, charming and brave. Even in history we hear tales of the Braveheart’s of the world. Let’s take a look around us… do guys like that even exist? No, or at least I haven’t met any!

Gone are the days when a leader rides into battle ahead of his troops. These days a nation’s leader rules from the comfort and safety of their offices while they send out naive young men and women to fight nonsensical battles. When real trouble ensues they are whisked away to bunkers and places to hide. Where is the gallantry in that? Also, whatever happened to honesty and integrity and honor for that matter. It used to be that someone’s word was their bond.

How many men these days will actually stand up for their woman or any woman in general? How many men will actually defend a woman’s honor? Many men these days are either brutes … selfish and only after their happiness and pleasure … or the other extreme whiny wimps. Women in general are expected to take care of themselves and be independent. I’ve said this before, rare is the man who is a real man. They do exist, I’m not saying they don’t, but they’re a rare commodity these days. Where are the balls in this operation? All I’ve been meeting is men who are all penis and no balls!!

Men often save their bravery and smarts for their own purposes and success and women are just expected to follow along and even be another possession. Then there are the men who are passive and expect the world to just pass them by. They wont fight or try for anything. So what is the definition of a real man these days? We can’t judge them on the prince charming characteristics. I asked around and most women would say what they want in a man is someone who is a good provider for his family, but many women are the main bread winners of the family. Some women said a man who is intelligent, but just because a man is intelligent doesn’t make him a valuable partner. Some women said a man with good social skills and connections, but does that make him more prone to not need her? I suppose a mixture of all of these is desirable, but where do you draw the line?

Let’s face it, men aren’t needed anymore, women have the opportunity to be educated, have good jobs and live independently with friends and family for companionship. They can even have children without a man. So what is the value of having a man? Regardless, isn’t it better to be WANTED and not NEEDED? A partnership of sorts.  I wonder sometimes.

Did the need for prince charming disappear when the damsel in distress disappeared? Perhaps. So what is the answer? Should women’s expectations change? Should they be more “passive” while allowing men to regain their “manliness”. Women’s rights groups would call this heresy. But would it restore balance to the world? Think about it. Divorce rates are steadily increasing, even in more traditional families and communities. People are rather choosing not to marry or make long term commitments to each other. Marriages aren’t working. The traditional definition of marriage has to change in order to help it succeed. This generation is stuck in the middle of seeing their parents “sacrifice all” marriage, even in unhappiness and the “esoteric happiness” they long for. Where does the balance come in?

How are people supposed to be happy? I wish I knew the answer.

What do you think? Do you agree? Disagree?

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Tags: dating, love, relationship, single

We’re all a little difficult at times.  I admit that I can be a challenging person in certain situations, but I’m not different than anyone else.  Some people, however, are a little more challenging than others.  They’ve got big egos and think they’re way is the best way.  We all know the type.  I like to call them difficult.  Back in my corporate training days, I remember writing a course about “dealing with difficult customers”.  I talked a lot about active listening and patience.  But that’s when it’s with customers, you kind of have to deal with them as part of your job, but what if it’s a relationship? Someone you’re dating?  Do you really have to?

Difficult people are  a reality of life, some people are more easy going than others.  I have become much more easy going as I got older and life happened to me.  I realized that you can’t control what happens to you but you CAN control how you react to what happens to you.  I am a bit of an impulsive person and that definitely gets me into trouble that’s for sure.  Now back to difficult people … what if these difficult people are the people you’re dating?  How do you deal with difficult dates?  Sometimes we meet people that are great but they’re just a bit more difficult than most … it’s really truly a case of “it’s not me it’s you”.  What do you do?  First and foremost you have to decide whether or not this person is even worth your time.  Sometimes they are more trouble than they are worth and you just need to move on.  If you do decide to stay, here is what works for me when dealing with difficult people when dating …

It’s NOT Me It’s YOU

Difficult people manipulate situations to maneuver them to their favor, that’s something you need to keep in mind when dealing with these kinds of people.  They will do what they have to in order to get what they want.  They are also very unpredictable and moody.  You never know what to expect, but really, when you learn their ways you learn how to deal with it accordingly.  You need to meet them where they are at not where you are.

1. Keep Calm. When dealing with difficult people you have to keep your head.  You can’t be reactive, you need to step back and think for a moment.  You don’t want to feed the beast.  Trust me, from personal experience being the difficult person and dealing with them, a level head is the most powerful weapon in your arsenal.
2. Leave Them Alone.  When dealing with a moody person you just need to leave them alone when they want to be alone, they’ll come back when they’re ready.  Don’t be too pushy or bug them.  People just need their space sometimes, some more than others.  Think of yourself when you want to be alone, it’s the same thing.  It’s typically not personal.  If they go and never come back, well then move on.  You don’t need that kind of drama.
3. Active Listening. Show them you get where they’re coming from by repeating what they said in different words.  Saying “I understand you’re having a bad day because of X, sorry to hear that”.  Listening and asking questions leads to more accurate understanding.  Ask them at this point if there’s anything you can do.  If not, then leave them alone.  If yes, then try and understand where they are at.
4. Understand. Find out why they are being so difficult.  Maybe there’s something going on.  Be available and clarify what’s happening to them without being pushy.  Agree with them if there is some truth to what they are saying.  Validate their feelings.  If they are taking out their frustrations on you then you need to find out why.  It is never OK to be abusive, so don’t tolerate abusive language or behavior.  However, do let them know you’re there if they need to talk and leave them alone until they are ready.
5. Stay Positive & Be Forgiving.  I’ve said before negativity breeds more negativity.  If you stay positive with a difficult person then they will turn around.  No good can come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative and difficult mood.  Protect yourself and spend your energy in more productive, positive places.  Don’t hold on to all the negativity and just forgive.  Let go.  These difficult people are in a bad place at that moment in time.  It’s not worth holding a grudge against them.  They usually aren’t coming from a malicious place and if they are and you know that they are, that’s when to cut them from your life.

Still think these people are worth your time?

That’s for you to decide, sometimes they are.  I know I have some difficult people in my life that I choose to keep around because they are more good than bad.  I appreciate the people that kept me around when I was most difficult.  The most important thing is to remember to keep telling yourself when dealing with difficult people when dating is really “it’s not me it’s you”.  It’s not your fault, or your problem, that they are the way they are.  You can’t change them, you just have to accept them the way they are.  If you can’t, then move on, it’s not worth your time or energy.

Have you dealt with difficult people when dating before?  What did you do? Did you even bother? Why or why not? Would love to hear your experiences in the comments!!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Tags: dating, love, relationship, single

OK so we’ve all seen that ugly woman with the gorgeous man … or even the gorgeous woman with the ugly man … AND we’ve all given it a double take … we had to look twice and wondered what the hell is HE doing with HER???  First thought that comes to mind is unattractive guy must be rich and generous or unattractive woman must be really good in bed hoover style.  You know I’m right!  One guy I’ve had an eternal crush on has a relationship with a very unattractive women (actually for the longest time I thought she might be a man).  She has “boyish good looks with a boyish figure” and he likes to gravitate to and is very attracted to beautiful curvy women when he’s not with her, well even when he’s with her.  Explain that one to me?!  How about one other couple I know, he is wealthy hollywood-esque hotness and she, well, let’s say she’s homely, socially awkward and picks her nose in public – he bought her a very expensive car recently.  Hmmm … back to the topic at hand … can these interfacial relationships work? In other words, is love really that blind?

Interfacial Relationships

I’m of the opinion that looks do matter, as does attraction.  Actually, physical attraction is a requirement.  I really don’t care what anyone tells you … if someone isn’t attracted to you on the get go then the whole thing is doomed.  Your killer personality isn’t going to get you anywhere in the dating world.  I talked about it in my post Is Love Blind? Do Looks Actually Matter?.  We see it on TV, in the movies and everywhere, the attractive person is the one everyone wants to be with, it’s the one they choose.  That being said, attraction means different things to different people.  Someone might just find their partner attractive while everyone else doesn’t … there is SOMETHING about them.  What do I say to that? Well, why the hell not!

Can You Date Up?

I will be the first to admit that I’ve had some very unattractive men who have wanted to date me but because I really don’t find them attractive in any way, I have turned them down.  I know, bad Suzie.  But, physical attraction is extremely important to me.  They don’t have to be the most attractive man in the world but they DO have to be attractive to me.  I have to want to jump their bones, no doubt about it!!  Now, let’s all be honest here, who doesn’t want the partner that’s arm candy?  The partner that everyone will be jealous of? We all do, but there are more important things, so as long as I’m attracted to them and they have, I mean are, a good package then we’re good to go.

If someone is “out of my league” looks wise, I usually don’t go there … I don’t want to risk rejection.  Many women and men do attempt the date up and end up rejected and feeling like the scum of the earth and hate every single man or woman in the world because of it.  Well, perhaps, just perhaps, if we dated within our league we wouldn’t have that problem.  So, I don’t recommend attempting the date up, or have low expectations when trying.

Back to our question, can interfacial relationships work or are they doomed to fail? Sure they can work, don’t they say “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, so if the couple doesn’t care about what anyone else has to say it might just be a success, but, as we all know, society in general will judge, let’s be honest.

What do you think? I’d love to hear your opinion in the comments!! Have you been in an interfacial relationship?

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

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Tags: dating, love, relationship, single