For those of you not familiar with Mr. R … here is a glimpse of some things I’ve written about him …
So basically he’s my “Mr. Big”, well sort of. I have been sitting here for almost a year and a half playing the fool waiting for him to want me for something more than what we are … what are we? Damned if I know … more than friends but less than a relationship. It’s not like I haven’t dated anyone else (as you see from my blog) but he certainly has played a part in holding me back. How? Well because he is my ideal man and I compare everyone to him. He is what I’ve always wanted in every way in a person (except for the inconsistent part, his selfishness and his broken promises). So if that exists, why should I settle for anything less? Especially when he’s within my grasp? But the asshole is covered in oil and keeps slipping from my hands. I can’t hold on to him. Sometimes I think “is something wrong with me”? Or is something wrong with him? I know my friends will jump to say “it’s him!” … but still I can’t help but feel perhaps he didn’t feel I was good enough for him. OK, cue the chorus “no you’re TOO good for him”. OK, you said it, now let’s continue.
It’s not every day you find what you want. Also, add to that an amazing connection with that person both physically and emotionally. It’s not my imagination. Those who know me well know what a realist I am. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t feel it strongly. Those who read my blog also know that I am the first to kick them to the curb if need be. I’m not shy. If I could kick my ex-husband to the curb I could kick anyone to the curb. Except this guy. Never in my whole life have I felt what I feel for him. It’s not love either, I don’t do the infatuation thing. The connection is unreal. He gets me, I get him. We are very much alike, kind of “yin and yang” (he’s the darker half of course 😉 ). I didn’t even feel this connection with my ex-husband (obviously) or even those I’ve deeply loved before. Soulmates? Maybe. Heard it all before, right? Well, it’s true. So how do you disconnect from something that’s become such an integrated part of you? Damned if I know! I guess it’s just one step at a time. Like everything else. But I’ve been slowly disconnecting for a while now.
I had a dream recently that all my deepest fears and insecurities about him were true. I woke up in a cold sweat. That sealed the deal for me. It just makes me very sad. Like losing a vital organ in your body. But that organ is infected, it’s poisoning my whole body and it has to go. The stress in my life is making me very ill and affecting the quality of my life. What do they say? It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Well, I’m hurt.
Who am I kidding … you think I’m going to be able to do it? Well, I’m going to have to. You know, I wrote this over a month ago … but I’m finally ready to make the commitment … it’s over. I’ve reached my limit. Time to move on.
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva