Suzie

We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together

Second chances … I am notorious for just saying NO!! I don’t give second chances … Taylor Swift said it best when she said in her new song “We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together”!!!

Why don’t I give second chances?  Am I heartless? Do I not forgive? Actually, just the opposite.  I am a very forgiving person (sometimes too much) and am willing to let someone’s transgressions go, if they are truly sorry, but I won’t, under any circumstances, take them back, friends maybe, but not relationship.  I just know that people never change. It’s a simple fact.  People are who they are and even if they try to change, 99.9% of the time they revert back to their original habits.  According to psychotherapist Dr. Joseph Burgo, “most people don’t change; they just become more the way they already are.”  He goes on to say that in order for change to occur, “it requires a lot of hard work and the results are never the sort of ideal transformation we’re looking for.”  I completely agree with this.

Just like we are who we are and shouldn’t change that for anyone, we shouldn’t expect that of anyone either.  People change for short periods of time to accommodate others but almost ALWAYS revert back to their original selves.   People are who they are, they developed their habits and personality in early childhood and the way they are is a direct result of their life experiences.  Something MAJOR has to occur in order to change that.

I gave second chances to people before and they always proved my theory, they were great in the beginning and then the old problems started creeping back.  Even my ex husband “changed” how he was when we first were together, but then reverted to his anti-social low confidence self after we got married.  The reason you broke up to begin with is still there.  It happened, it’s real.  We go back to people because we only remember the “good times” and seem to forget all the pain and heartache they caused us.  But, going back quickly reminds us of why we left.  It’s happened to me.  Even now some ex’s still message me and even though they are charming and a part of me wants them back they always, inevitably, say or do something that reminds me why I don’t want them in my life.

Everyone is different, so is every experience, but personally, I know that, no matter what a man says or does, I may forgive and (sort of) forget BUT “We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together” … Plain. Simple.

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Copyright Single Dating Diva

28 comments

  1. Great article Suzie! I agree – at least with the basic premise of what you are saying. The problem is, most people think in terms of the other person requiring change… And before anyone assumes I am saying that it means “we” must change – I am not. I think the main reason people divorce or break up to begin with is we approach things from a laundry list of behaviors we find acceptable. Rather than understanding that people all come from an extremely wide range of backgrounds, expectations, family situations, etc… which have formed who they are and the choices they’ve made for themselves. Until people can approach relationships (equally – both partners) from the perspective of accepting who the person is and the choices they make for their lives – until that happens, people will continue to be alone. Because when and where do you allow the line to be crossed? There is never going to be a person who makes choices the way you always think they should — simply put, other people’s choices will ALWAYS disappoint. That is, unless we don’t hinge our happiness on how they choose. If my boyfriend chooses to do drugs, and I do not, for example, who am I to make that choice for him? Perhaps he derives a lot of pleasure, and it’s not something I need to worry about. If, on the other hand, his behavior under the influence is harmful or hurtful to me, well then, rather than hoping he will change, I basically have a choice – get out, or put up with the misery…. Hopefully we find these things out about people before getting married, or moving in with someone, but sometimes we don’t… the main point is, I think we need to be accepting. I have always been that way – if someone is anti-social, and doesn’t ever want to go out, fine. As long as they allow ME to be the social butterfly I am, and are not threatened by the experiences I am having without them. So the acceptance must be a two way street. Period. Once it has not worked, I agree… you have to stand by what you knew to be true in the past… Great topic!

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    • Wow, agree, people change over time, but they shouldn’t change for you or because of you and you will be miserable waiting for wanting them to. As far as your drug use references, so timely with a story a wrote. Even if you don’t partake, bad things can happen because of the company you keep.

      I lived the anti-social partner thing who allowed me to be social without him — and it backfired, terribly. Terribly. Having the limitations of having a boyfriend/husband but not the benefits of public or social coupling was not good for me. That type of acceptance can rob the people involved of having a partner to share things with or of meeting other people to share things with. Without forcing change, look at things and think — This is the way it’s gonna be, is this okay?

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      • I have done the same with a man who was so anti-social, and he was also very suspicious and immature. Which means, it backfired. But I am a strong person, and I live my life at my speed. He basically could not keep up. The fact he got upset or suspicious of ridiculous things… well that’s what they were… ridiculous, and I moved on quickly enough. But the point was, he apparently was NOT able to accept me for who I was, nor did he respect it. So I suppose acceptance, coupled with mutual respect is really key, because – for instance with a partier, if they don’t respect your boundaries, it will never work. They can damage their body if they choose, but if the respect isn’t there, it will end / fail miserably… and my point is, I am wouldn’t wait around for that person to change. They either keep up with my fast train to greatness and success, or they’ll be left behind… they are welcome to come if they continue to be a pleasure – an added blessing to my life… but their problems will only slow THEM down. It’s a mentality though, really, it’s not something that one situation can explain. There are varying situations and arguments against any example I could give. It’s being fully 100% strong and happy with who you are, regardless of that person… and being HAPPY on your own… then that person only adds to it… if they don’t- they are OUTTA here. LOL

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  2. That’s right. Once you’ve determined that his/her actions are not something you can live with… that’s about it. You’ll either be alone and content to be that way, the rest of your life, or – not! LOL Not much else you can do but move along… !!!

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  3. Excellent advice! This was a very difficult lesson for me to learn, as I pride myself on being able to empathize with those who’ve made mistakes and want second chances. I used to give them, and always ended up hurt again in the end. I still forgive, because forgiveness is really about letting go of negative feelings and MOVING ON, and is good for ME. But, once someone has truly hurt me, it’s as if a switch has been flipped and I no longer want/ need them in my life.

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    • I know what you mean … I always hear people out and sometimes compelled to give them a second chance, but I’ve learned the hard way that if they did it once they’ll do it again and unless I am ok with that, there are no second chances. Better sometimes to keep that switch turned to “off” 🙂

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  4. My mum once told me the only person you can change is yourself – best bit of advice ever – not that I ever seem to take any notice of it marrying someone thinking that would make them change their ways was one of my biggest mistakes but, as you say, if that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be the person I am today 🙂 I am slowly coming to terms with the idea that if someone doesn’t like me as I am its not the end of the world its just time to move on and find someone that does! And as the late, great Whitney once said ‘I’d rather be alone than unhappy’ xx

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    • Your mum is one smart lady! You’re right, only you can change yourself and even that is a difficult task 🙂 I married someone thinking I could change them and he even changed a bit in the beginning … but then went back to his real true self. So you’re right, better to just move on and find someone more compatible 🙂

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  5. I don’t think we can change who we are fundamentally at the core, but I think in relationships you can change certain habits and behaviors. For instance, if you are super messy and your partner is very neat – you can make the effort to be a little neater for your partner’s sake. But yes, profound change is difficult.
    Neely

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  6. I have had no contact with my ex for almost a year, we did bump into each other by pure chance and he did talk to me and asked questions but i never asked anything as don’t want to know really. However im still not over him and think of him almost every day. He was the one i was going to have a family with and it really hurts. I dont know whether i will ever get over him, we were really meant to be together and got on well. Why do i still think he will be back one day? Most likely he has moved on and is with someone else already otherwise he would have contacted me…

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    • Hi Selena … it’s hard to let go, I completely agree. But sometimes that’s the only way. I was convinced I was going to spend the rest of my life with my ex husband, but that’s not how things worked out. By letting go, I was able to move forward in my life and I’m in a MUCH better place. If you hold on to the past you will never get over it. Hope it all works out the way you want it!!

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    • I felt really sad reading your post – It reminded me of myself! If I’m honest I think it took me around 5/6 years to completely get over my first love – he completely broke my heart and I didn’t know if it would ever mend even though I was with someone else aswell! I know people say it but it all does just get better in time, one day you realise you thought about them a little less than the day before and eventually you get to the stage where you realise you can think about them and it doesn’t hurt any more. x

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  7. Ok, gonna go out on a limb here and disagree with majority just a tad….

    I DO think people can change. I don’t think it’s at random, or that people can just suddenly will it of themselves, but I think that certain events can transpire that forever shake a persons core and leave a lasting difference. I speak from person experience – since my divorce there are certain things about me and the way I am and my outlook on life that have fundamentally shifted.

    Now this is not to suggest you should get back together with an ex just because they blab a few words about “being different now”. There has to be more than words, there has to be evidence, and a rationale. Just my thoughts!

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    • No, you’re right! I have changed a lot (for the better) since my divorce … but it’s because I went back to who I really was. I felt confident enough to be me … the real me! Not sure if that makes any sense, but it’s true people CAN change, but it seriously takes a life altering event to do it … it doesn’t just happen AND it should never be expected! Thanks for the great comment!!

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  8. Do people change? Good questions, Diva. 🙂 Definitely a subject that is discussed on GirlsAskGuys, and the opinions are vast…..

    There are so many opinions on this, and as an eternal diplomat, I can see both sides. Generally, we don’t start meeting people and falling in love until we’re in our mid-20’s (or so). By then, we’ve developed and honed skills and habits that CAN be broken, but for the most part, aren’t. We’ve already been taught by our parents right from wrong (or not), left from right, mayo or Miracle Whip, PC or Apple. We’ve got our minds made up, and while we can make little changes here and there, our character and beliefs most likely still stand strong, and will always be in the background to affect even the tiniest decisions.

    However, there’s also the argument that people DO change, especially after major life experiences (death in the family, financial troubles, having children, divorce), which come a little later. We all make mistakes, some bigger than others, which can change our very core. The ability to adapt and change is what makes us human. Let us not be naive and think, “oh, he’s changed so much, I just know it will work out this time.” BUT let us not be
    SO unconvinced that we end up missing out on a good thing. 🙂

    Anywho…..I love this post. It really got me thinking – thank you! 😉

    Mel
    GirlsAskGuys.com

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  9. […] Then, Mr. Z comes back into the picture … guns blazing.  He didn’t want to not be in contact anymore.  He wanted us to be friends.  If you recall, he was the one with the fiance.  Well, first he wanted to know if what I wrote about him was bad or good to which I responded “I always write truth, if you were good, then I wrote good, if you were bad, I wrote bad”.  He kept bugging me to send him the post but I didn’t .  He kept bugging me, even telling me he promised not to comment. So I caved, I sent it to him.  He read it and responded that I was a great writer.  I said thanks.  Then he said “I didn’t comment”.  I told him he could comment if he wanted because everyone was entitled to their opinion.  He didn’t comment.  We are still in contact because he insisted we need to be friends because I am the most amazing woman he’s ever met.  That he tried to forget me and couldn’t.  I agreed (I mean about the friends) … but I told him I reserve the right to tell him off about what he did whenever I want.  He agreed.  He wants to see me, I haven’t agreed yet.  I didn’t ask if the fiance was still in the picture. Perhaps I should … but it doesn’t matter because, as you know “we will never ever ever get back together“. […]

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