Suzie

Ask Single Dating Diva: I Feel Guilty Breaking Up With Her

Not too long ago I wrote a post called “Shit or Get Off the Pot” which was about someone in an on again / off again long term relationship.  Essentially, I advised them to decide what they wanted once and for all.  Today, my topic isn’t so different, but, in a way, worse I think.  I got an email from someone who has been in a long term relationship, but, unhappy.  Here is what they asked …

Dear Single Dating Diva,

guilty breaking upI have been with my fiance for 8 years now.  I love her very much and she loves me.  We enjoy each other’s company and like a lot of the same things.  I just can’t bring myself to marry her.  I find myself wanting other women, and, yes, I have cheated on her as well.  Sex with her is mediocre at best and all efforts to make it better have failed.  I just can’t see myself tied down to her the rest of my life.  I just feel guilty breaking up with her since we’ve been through so much together and I feel I owe her.  She’s not a bad person or companion, but I just don’t want to marry her and feel bad if I break up with her.  She has also made comments that she can’t live if she’s not with me.  That kind of scares me.  What do I do?

Sincerely,

Stuck to the Pot

Dear Stuck to the Pot,

That’s quite the dilemma you have there, or so you think.  Actually, it’s quite simple really.  Break up with her and you’ll be doing both of you a BIG favor.  But you already knew I would say that didn’t you?  Think of it this way, you don’t want to be there, you are cheating on her, you are lying to her and you are leading her on.  How is that beneficial to her or to you even?  It’s really really not.  Breaking up with her will allow both you and her to find a more suitable partner. I’ll also let you in Ask-Single-Dating-Divaon a little secret, she is just telling you she can’t live without you to manipulate you and make you feel guilty for wanting to leave.  She will be just fine without you.  It’s nice to feel that someone’s life depends on yours, but really, she will be fine, probably even better off without you.

Just because you are with someone a long time doesn’t mean that you have to stay with them forever.  Every relationship runs its course naturally.  Not every relationship will end in marriage, nor does it have to.  We are conditioned to think that automatically someone you meet and someone you date is a potential spouse.  That’s not true! Someone you meet is your companion for a while, some last longer than others.  Somewhere along the path we might find someone we really, truly love and can’t live without … MUTUALLY can’t live without … and then and only then should marriage be considered.  Otherwise, just enjoy the ride.

My final word … Break up with her … get off the damn pot!! There’s a line up waiting to use it …

What do you think readers? What advice would you give?

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Copyright Single Dating Diva

17 comments

  1. I agree with the get off the pot analysis. If you’re unhappy with your life with her now and your sex life is mediocre despite attempts to improve it, marriage isn’t going to help. It takes work to prevent things going downhill in a long term relationship even if you have a really strong foundation, so this relationship is destined to be an unhappy one if you stick together. Better to break up now than have another goodness knows how many years of mediocrity while you hang in there being unhappy. Emotional blackmail is never a good solid basis for a relationship and she knows that too – you are not responsible for her emotions and actions. You can only honor your own feelings and be honest with her. It’s the only way to go.

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  4. Yes, leave… leave now!…. WOW… sitting on that pot for 8 years must be really painful. This story reminds me of my marriage……. After about 5 years of being married, I was not feeling that special bond of love, happiness and commitment anymore. I mentioned things were just not right in the marriage, and the wife got pretty upset and said NO.. NO.. we cannot get a divorce! I did not mention divorce, but guess what happened after our 11 year of marriage? YES… SHE wanted a divorce! Anything, when you start feeling things are not right, that’s the time to talk about it……. or just move on. I’m betting she will find that next special someone before you do, after you two break up.

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    • I know, right? Thanks for your comment Dan!! People waste too much time because they don’t want to admit the truth. Being honest with themselves will not only save them grief but also their partners.

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      • Yes Suzie…… And I’m sure I have wasted lots of time being in dull relationships.. and wonder how many times I have missed that REALLY special lady, while doing so.

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          • That’s right…… But being 64 years old…. I don’t have much “lesson learning” time left 🙂 So… my thought – don’t waste YOUR time in dull, unloving, boring, abusive or guilt trip relationships. I can guarantee if you stand straight up, close your eyes and tap your feet together… you to will be old very soon…. and alone!

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  5. I agree with your advice, Suzie! If I were in this girl’s position, I would feel really upset if I were led on this long without being told something was wrong with the relationship. Yes, it may hurt the girl, but even if I were her, I would ultimately want to know if the guy I was engaged to didn’t actually want to be with me!

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    • Good point M….. But both of them have been on that 8 year journey together. That’s a long time for a woman to not want marriage or a real commitment. Both have been dragging their feet, and are guilty of “wishful thinking” in their relationship. I’ve been there and done that 🙂

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  6. It is unfair to both of you to stay engaged. You can’t stay with someone just to avoid an awkward conversation. She will get over it.

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