Yes, you heard right. I said “sex is what’s wrong with dating”. I know some of you agree and maybe some of you don’t but stay with me here. I’m not anti sex. Sex is great, wonderful even. It’s one of the best things on earth. Wait, let me rephrase that, sex is one of the best things on earth when it’s done right and with the right person. What does that mean? That means that sex is being taken from a place of awesome to a place of “meh” because it has become just a thing to do, an action, a physical release. Whatever happened to sex being something you shared with someone you cared deeply about? I asked a while back if sex was sacred and so many of you commented back on both sides of the spectrum – yes and no. Most were on the fence. So why is sex what’s wrong with dating? I will tell you.
Why Sex Is What’s Wrong With Dating
Dating is fun, I’ve said that before. There is nothing more exciting than meeting someone new and learning about them. If it turns out to be something or not it’s still a positive thing because you met someone new and you learned if you like that sort of person or not. Win-win. I know not every experience is a good one, but generally it is. What has changed recently is that dating has become about sex first and getting to know each other later. Time after time, date after date, sex becomes a primary focus. It’s like the expectation is there that you should have sex sooner rather than later and you’re weird if you don’t. Since when was it OK to masturbate on the phone with someone before you’ve even met in person? How about sending naked pictures of yourself to someone you hardly know? It wasn’t like this when I was dating in my 20’s. Perhaps social media and technology are giving people a false sense of security and comfort, but in reality these are STRANGERS. Remember that. It’s not only me, I hear it time and again from my readers and from my friends. Sex happens a lot faster than it used to, it’s less of a taboo to have sex on the first date. What happens as a result? Sex becomes the focus and the other things that should be more important become less important.
The Merits Of Waiting To Have Sex
Study after study shows that couples who wait to have sex are much happier in the long run. Why? Because they are taking the time to really get to know each other and assess compatibility without their judgment being clouded by lust (which is almost always confused with love). One recent study concluded that:
The timing of sexual initiation within a couple’s romantic relationship has important associations with later relationship success. Using a sample of 10,932 individuals in unmarried, romantic relationships, they examined how four sexual-timing patterns (i.e., having sex prior to dating, initiating sex on the first date or shortly after, having sex after a few weeks of dating, and sexual abstinence) were associated with relationship satisfaction, stability, and communication in dating relationships. Results suggested that waiting to initiate sexual intimacy in unmarried relationships was generally associated with positive outcomes. This effect was strongly moderated by relationship length, with individuals who reported early sexual initiation reporting increasingly lower outcomes in relationships of longer than two years.
That makes a lot of sense to me. Having sex too early in a dating relationship also makes things move faster than they should. The deep bonds required to develop a lasting relationship usually aren’t there. Is this the case for every single person, no, of course not, there are exceptions to everything. But, why think that you’re going to be the exception? There’s always that question of whether to have sex on the first date or not, well, I vote for not. Why should you? Let things take their course in their own time. Wanting them, needing them is lust. That’s all it is and we’re all adults who can control ourselves. Besides, what do you REALLY know about this person? Really? You know what they told you which could be completely false.
What About Casual Sex & Booty Calls?
Well, I’ve said before if you can’t have unemotional sex then these activities aren’t for you. 99.9% of people can’t have unemotional sex even though they think they can and end up hurt and being left empty and alone. So don’t have casual sex and booty calls. Not so easy, is it? I know. Oh trust me I know how hard it is out there and how hard it is to be single and have needs, but, you know what? After you’ve sown your wild oats what’s left? You’re still alone and horny. So what did you accomplish? That’s what I thought.
If you’re not looking for a serious relationship and you only want to have fun and are capable of separating emotion from sex, then do whatever you like but make sure the person you’re doing it with has the same goals in mind and won’t come knocking on your door in love with you. It’s happened to both men and women, so be careful.
In the mean time, those of you looking for love should take a moment to know where your priorities lie. Don’t ruin something potentially good by having sex too soon. Sex is something great and well worth the wait! Yes, someone who wants to be with you will be with you regardless if you have sex early on or not, but, why let your judgment be clouded from seeing them for who they really are and seeing that they really want you for you and not keeping you around for sex. Just wait to have sex and believe me it will be all the more better when it happens … think of all that tension building up … all that rip your clothes off tension just waiting to be released … why on earth would you want to give THAT up???
Have you ever benefited from waiting? Do you think that when you have sex doesn’t matter? Would love to hear about it in the comments!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
Coach Suzie 
Great article, Suzie, about a sensitive area – both emotionally and physically. I know a few times when I have had sex too early in a relationship, it turned to be a disaster. That step in the relationship can be fun, but I have found at times, after discovering more about a lady, that I would say……. YIKES…. Let me out of here, I don’t want to be with this crazy person 🙂 But of course, backing out then can get tricky… since you made that “big commitment”. But like you mentioned, people these says seem to expect some type of physical connection/contact. Heck, a few times ladies have complained to me that I was not physical with them on the first date….. they wanted some skin to skin action….. like holding hands or some touch. Don’t do that and the most ladies seem to lose interest fast, and move away from you. So all of us needs some connection in the beginning of dating….. but how much, what type and when. Ahhh , if only I could read minds 🙂
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Thanks for your comment! Yes, you’re right it’s really hard to guess what people really want and what the consequences will be. That’s why it’s best to wait, this way you know it will be right.
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Has there been research on the emotional and psychological states of people that have sex before or early in relationships? My thinking here is that maybe sex on the first date isn’t so much the cause of unsatisfying/failed relationships, but could be a symptom of the issues that are actually to blame. That could be an interesting avenue of research.
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Good question! Definitely food for thought! Also, what is the motivation behind it would be interesting and what expectations are … perhaps something to look into!
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“After you’ve sown your wild oats what’s left? You’re still alone and horny. So what did you accomplish? That’s what I thought.”
Best analysis of what it means to lust…Haha!!!
I think sex can happen too soon, but it all depends on the people involved. Casual sex is much safer emotionally than pursuing a relationship. I personally can’t be emotionally close to someone until we’ve experienced intimacy together. I’ve also noticed from my experiences that sex is a deal breaker much like intelligence is. I’ve met women who I’ve been physically, socially, and intellectually attracted to, but the chemistry was lacking. I could see it wasn’t going to be satisfying sexually. Stimulation of the senses is absolutely necessary on both ends of the spectrum
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Thanks for your comment! Yes, well, it really does have to be the whole package! I find that getting to know someone gives you a better connection and chemistry, but it is also true that sometimes you just don’t “feel it” when you meet someone, so it’s all relative, no clear answer.
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I’ve just started a conversation on Facebook about “How Long You Should Wait to Have Sex” (https://www.facebook.com/HowLongYouShouldWaitToHaveSex), and I have noticed that a lot of guys consider sex to be the big dealbreaker that they absolutely must figure out as soon as possible. BUT, and maybe it’s just me, I’ve found that I personally have a pretty good sense of whether or not I have chemistry with someone without having to sleep with them. A kiss, and sometimes even a touch are often enough to know whether or not there will be good chemistry.
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You’re absolutely right, Monique. A kiss is most indicative without having to sleep together.
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Sex adds a level of complication to the very early stages of a relationship that are already complicated enough. I wouldn’t like to reduce the whole thing to the level of scratching an itch – if it’s not meaningful then there’s no point for me. In any case, I’d have to know the guy well enough to be relaxed enough to really get into it and enjoy it. Having said all that, I had a love at virtually first sight thing going on with my husband so it was pretty quick getting complicated – and we’re still happily married many years later. I think that was probably luck rather than good judgment on my part though.
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Thanks Ana! Yes you’re right … it could happen for some but it really is the exception to the rule. Why complicate things if you don’t have to? But you’ve made some good points!
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I’m new to your site, but I absolutely love you. You are smart and articulate and you have clearly thought things through. I agree with just about everything you’re saying, and I love how non-judgemental you are. I would love for you to join me in the conversation I’ve started on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/HowLongYouShouldWaitToHaveSex
You’re already all over it anyway, because I’ve been reposting your stuff. (P.S. we just launched this page a few days ago, so we’re just getting started, but we’re growing fast!)
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[…] Why Sex Is What’s Wrong With Dating… Click to find out! […]
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I’m torn on this subject. While I agree that waiting is a good idea – for me sex without emotion is synonymous with eating cardboard.
At the same time, I do not date just to date (Dating for me is a horrible experience). For me it is about finding a partner and if I date someone, spend all that time for weeks, months, etc and then we have sex and I find out he and I are not sexually compatible?
That would be a huge waste of time and emotion. There needs to be a happy medium somewhere.
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Thanks for the comment! Yes of course sex is part of dating and you need to decide when and where it fits. There is a right time for everything which is why you need to be smart about it.
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Definitely agree! Dating is an investment of time, energy, and emotion. There should be a positive return in regard to the woman’s pleasure.
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[…] have sex too soon and your relationship is based on sex first […]
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[…] a lot about sex and about discerning when the best time is to have sex. My recent post called Sex Is What’s Wrong With Dating explored the prevalence of sex in the dating world and how sex has become more important than […]
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[…] be honest, it really is a big topic that NEEDS to be talked about. My recent post called Sex Is What’s Wrong With Dating explored the prevalence of sex in the dating world and how sex has become more important than […]
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I had a guy court me for a year and finally we started dating, he waiting 7 months until I was ok with sex. I was in love for a year with him. And then he tuned around and said he didn’t want a commitment, he knew I wanted one but he wasn’t ready. So after 2 1/2 years of wasting my life and time our relationship did not last. So that through my whole idea of waiting to have sex. It doesn’t matter, if he’s going to stick around and if it’s going to work, it will regardless
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ive been with the same girl for 4 or 5 years. and i agree with you that sex is the thing that is wrong with dating. and we have agreed on having no sex until we are ready for kids and she is emotionally ready.
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