Someone said to me recently that people are only as faithful as their options. It made think, could that be true? At what point does cheating become “out of your hands”? Don’t we have free will? Don’t we have choices? Could temptation be that, well, tempting, that it’s beyond your control? I’ve always maintained that cheating is a choice. I’ve said it before in a previous post “The Changing Face of Infidelity, Cheating and Adultery” where I write that “it’s easier to cheat than to take responsibility for your relationship. The majority of people who cheat are regular people like you and me that are faced with a choice.” So whatever reason people cheat it’s a choice, so why make that choice and, more importantly, why put yourself in situations where you are faced with constant irresistible temptation?
Cheating: Only as Faithful as Your Options?
So let’s say that you have a job that pretty much guarantees you are faced with temptation more often than not. What do you do?
For example, you might travel a lot for work. This travel ensures that you end up at the hotel bar a couple times a week where others like you hang out. Let’s say you’re lonely and you’ve been fighting with your significant other lately. How about you’re just really horny and you know that you won’t see your partner for another week? What if you’re a guy who works in a nightclub? You’re surrounded by drunk girls dressed in next to nothing and you’ve been drinking too? What if they’re hitting on you and it makes you feel good and wanted and attractive? Perhaps you’ve bought them some drinks. Then what? All those hot drunk women want YOU … it won’t hurt to take one home would it? I mean why not. It’s not like your partner is going to find out. What if you worked as a photographer or the fashion industry and you’re surrounded by attractive people everyday. What do you do then? Can you make the case that the temptation was too strong and “the devil made you do it”? I mean it was just meaningless sex, wasn’t it? Well … not meaningless if you brought home a disease of some sort or guaranteed yourself a stalker or stage 5 clinger!!
So is it true that you’re only as faithful as your options? The key word here is OPTIONS. Options means that there is a choice. You are choosing to act or not to act. But can temptations be too much to resist sometimes? I think yes they can be. Does it make you innocent if you choose to cheat? No it doesn’t. If you are surrounded by temptations and you don’t have the will power to resist then instead of cheating you should remove yourself from the temptation. That is, if your relationship means anything to you. If you’re tempted because you are lacking something in your relationship then fix it or leave the relationship. Don’t cheat.
Cheating: The Illusion of Choice
A lot of the options that you’re surrounded with are not actually options. It’s just like online dating. You have the illusion of being popular and attractive and virile … but … in reality, you’re not. Most people online are just wasting time or bored or even in relationships. Social media also makes us think we’re more popular than we really are but when it comes down to it, do we really have that much choice in partners? Are there REALLY that many fish in the sea? If you are surrounded by lots of choice at a nightclub for example, does it really mean you have a choice? What if you’re just the creepy old guy to these young attractive women? Is that person at the hotel bar really into you or is it just the alcohol and loneliness speaking? That person who’s flirting with you isn’t necessarily interested in you … some people just like to flirt for attention. Our ego plays tricks on our mind sometimes giving us the illusion of choice when really there isn’t a viable option other than the one that you’ve got. I’m just being honest and realistic, not mean. If you’ve got something good at home, don’t ruin it for a moment’s pleasure. The grass ISN’T greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it!
Some people just can’t be in relationships and that’s completely OK. They like being surrounded by attractive people and like going home with someone different every night. That’s fine as long as they don’t have a partner. People like that should always remain single. People like that shouldn’t be in relationships, but it’s precisely those types of people who do enter into relationships and hurt others deeply. I’ve seen and heard so much that I couldn’t fit the stories into one book. If you meet someone you really like but you know they either have a reputation for cheating, or, they are in a profession that puts them in the “high cheating risk” category then think twice about entering into the relationship. Just be aware and date smart because you don’t want to end up with whatever they picked up during one of their trysts. It’s a harsh reality but reality nonetheless.
There is never a good excuse for cheating, even if you’re constantly surrounded by temptation. If you can’t be faithful then don’t be in a relationship and don’t hurt others by your actions (whether it’s intentional or not). Plain. Simple.
Readers, do you think it’s true that you’re only as faithful as your options? I would love your input in the comments below!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
Coach Suzie 
There are always going to be attractive people in your life unless you are a complete hermit and never go anywhere or talk to anyone so everyone has options to a certain extent but not everyone cheats even if it would be easy to do so.
I think there are those born to be unfaithful and those who have a momentary lapse and they are two different characters. Nothing is going to stop those who are born unfaithful, but the others might be tempted if an easy option presents itself and they have so much to drink that they forget what they have to lose. It might help them if they keep temptation at bay as much as possible.
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You make a good point Ana. Some people just can’t be faithful, it’s who they are. Temptation plagues every single person but we have a choice regardless of who and what we are.
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I think this saying is true if you don’t nurture yourself and your self-esteem. I think people often cheat because we all have an instinct to feel desired/wanted/needed…what have you. We want to remind ourselves that yes…we DO have options. Sometimes in a relationship we forget what it’s like to flirt with the cutie at the bar and have them flirt back. That’s why I think it’s so important to remain who you are while in a relationship rather than losing a part of yourself when you become a couple. With our self-esteem intact we KNOW we can get whomever we want…we just don’t want them because you’re absolutely right…the grass is NOT greener on the other side…the grass is greener where you WATER it 🙂 Great post!
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You make a good point. You need to remain who you are at all times and that’s how not to feel like something is missing (as long as you don’t hurt anyone in the process!).
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So true! You are actually choosing to put yourself in those questionable situations – at the bar by yourself…why wouldn’t a single girl talk to you if you’re by yourself and not mention a significant other. It’s all about being respectful to your partner whether they are around or not or will find out about it or not.
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You’re right! You make a choice to put yourself in those situations knowing full well you’ll be tempted. It really is about respecting your partner enough to not do anything.
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Sadly, most people are as faithful as their options. You know who impresses me? The very attractive man or women that has been married (or in a committed long term relationship) and has never cheated. Why? Because only about 1% of any population is considered attractive by societies standards. These attractive people have way more opportunities to cheat then the rest of the populations. Oh the stories I could tell you about dorky, squishy married men on the road that do everything in their power to get laid, to no avail. These are the same guys that like to crow about how they’ve been faithful for “x” number of years.
Now, with that said, the people that grow and evolve realize that getting laid just for the sake of getting laid really isn’t worth the effort (usually).
My advice to single women, be so fucking amazing that your man wouldn’t consider stepping out on you!
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Interesting perspective Derek. It is hard out there, particularly if you’re one of those people that have something people want, whether it is that you’re attractive, wealthy or affluent. But these people still need to make a choice to cheat. Making relationships work is a two way street. You have to be willing to make it work and work hard at it. Thanks again Derek.
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I love your quote “cheating is easier than taking responsibility for your relationship”. Spot on the money again, Diva!!
I do believe people are in control of their relationship and it’s been my experience that those who cheat are usually blaming the other spouse for their cheating. They lose sight of the fact that they had a choice in it. I feel like I’m taking stupid pills when I try telling them this because they just look at me like I’m out of touch or something.
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Thanks Aaron. Cheating IS a choice. A person has to make a conscious decision to enter into that liaison. No one “makes” them do it.
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A lot of people are only as faithful as their options. Even the nicest guy can be an opportunist. Maybe he’s not looking for anything, but if someone throws it his way then he won’t waste his chance. However, I don’t think that choice is an illusion. I think that choice can be real in a lot of cases. Confidence brings about choice a lot of times. But instead of cheating, it’s so much easier just to be single and DTF for lack of a better phrase. 🙂
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Yup Q, you’re right … I always say anyone is capable of cheating given the right circumstances and opportunity.
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“It’s so much easier to be single and DTF…”
Yeah, but then you’re missing out on the awesome parts of a relationship.
As long as the cheating isn’t an affair, I think it’s all good. (Of course, there is definitely a double standard. Not all good if the woman does this. Is this hypocritical? Yes, of course. So what? (Rhetorical))
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Our choices in life are always in our hands IMHO. If you don’t want to commit to one person, then don’t, or find someone who feels the same way and have an open relationship. Although I’m not convinced they work…they are like time bombs waiting to happen! Thanks for this post Suzie!
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Thanks Kelly. You’re right, our choices are our own and we need to take responsibility for our actions.
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The norm now is temptation right – but surely you won’t be tempted if you’ve got what you already desire. Relationships have their up’s and downs but Single Dating Diva is right – if you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen
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Thanks! Yup, cheating is a choice and if you’re tempted then remove the temptation.
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Yes I agree it is a choice, but if you make that wrong choice you need to be ready for the consequences. I think this is where you need to communicate with your partner. Wrong or right cheating tends to happen when there are issues in the relationship but if you can talk about those issues and right the ship then temptation goes out the window.
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Thanks Jason. That’s the thing about choices, you decide to do it, you choose which means you are responsible for your actions. Fixing the problem is always the better solution, cheating isn’t.
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“If you can’t be faithful then don’t be in a relationship…”
Hm. Now, as someone who is blatantly upfront about not being interested in monogamy, I’m all for knowing yourself and being honest about what you are, what you’re seeking, and what promises you are and aren’t capable of keeping…but I think things need to be looked at in context. In this case, the context of our cultural environment.
In a culture in which the dominant narrative is that we are sexually monogamous, and that those incapable of monogamy aren’t worthy of love, being honest and up front about what we really are isn’t viable for most.
Those fortunate enough to be high in demand in this dating/sexual marketplace have the luxury of being upfront about not being interested in/capable of sexual exclusivity, but for the majority of the population, self-denial and lying is the better of two shitty choices. The other choice being lonely and perpetually sexually frustrated. (And this is all assuming that the average person is even self-aware enough to check in with themselves and accept that the culture’s narrative about humans being monogamous is bullshit and/or does not apply to them……..the average person is painfully not.)
What do you think about that?
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts Jack. No one said that someone who doesn’t choose monogamy isn’t worthy of love. Everyone is worthy of love regardless of their choice to be in a monogamous relationship or not. There are enough people out there that prefer to be in open relationships that there is always a way NOT to be “lonely and perpetually sexually frustrated”. It doesn’t have to be one extreme or another Jack. But, if you’re someone who isn’t into monogamy, you have no business being with someone who values monogamy and cheating on them. That’s not fair to them and that’s where there is a problem. If monogamy isn’t for you then find a partner who feels the same, there are many of them out there. No judgement at all. Honesty about intentions and expectation is always the most important thing.
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I didn’t say anyone said it, I’m saying it’s part of our culture’s narrative, so ingrained that it doesn’t need to be spoken. It is acted out everyday. I’ve had people, on a dime, turn from friendly acquaintance to full-on “I hate you, you are worst than the lowest scum!” enemies simply because of my views. There are many instances of partners of my friends/acquaintances demanding that they cut me out of their lives because of how threatened they feel by the mere possibility that their partner might become interested in the ideas that I carry around in my head.
As for there being enough people out there that are OK with being open…not my experience in the slightest. I have a lot of experience dating women who say they’re Ok with the terms I lay out even before starting, and then flip out when they realize I wasn’t kidding weeks or months down the line. Of other people that are aware that monogamy isn’t their strong suit, they only ever admit it in like minded company, and in hushed tones, because they already know it’s damn unpopular out in the real world, away from spaces online where everyone paints it as some happy, feel-good experience. I confided in a great number of friends and acquaintances that would try open relationships if they believed for an instant that they would find acceptance, but they’re not blind. They’re not children. They know better. If you lived it, you’d know, being upfront about not being down with exclusivity automatically disqualifies you with the large majority of people. The reason I can manage it is because (not to boast) I am one of those individuals I mentioned in my opening comment that is in “high demand” in the sexual marketplace.
As for the rest, it’s not about people that get into relationships with the intention of cheating. That’s never what I was talking about. I’m talking about people that, whether they’re fully aware of it or not, just aren’t built for monogamy, but want love and intimacy so badly in their lives that they’ll agree to whatever terms they have to to get it, and they truly do try. But it’s like vowing to never eat meat again and then being unable to stop yourself from drooling when you smell it being perfectly seared. Yes, I’m saying it’s in our nature.
Humanity is not a sexually monogamous species, the same way that we are not herbivores. With a lot of evidence behind me, I assert that cheating is definitely about your options, and of course your sex drive. The people that never cheat have a great deficit in, at least, one of these…
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I think to debate about whether people are naturally monogamous or polyamorous is not really the point. As responsible adults, we should be allowed to pursue whatever activity we choose as long as it does not damage or remove the freedom of other people.
Jack mentioned that people conceal their desire to be other than monogamous when entering relationships and I believe that this is just a reflection of a lack of responsibility and care for others. Breaking monogamy in a relationship can be hugely hurtful to your partner if they love you and are not aware of your intent, and in my opinion is obtaining something through deception.
Jack also mentioned that he lost acquaintances over his status because of the person’s fear of how he could affect their relationship. Well, I would suggest that it is no surprise that they might act this way if he is unwilling to respect the boundaries of another’s relationship. A person encouraging another who is in a relationship is effectively participating in an act that is potentially damaging to an innocent third party. I say this because I believe that we have a duty of care to all people; this is fundamental to a healthy society and good relationships with people. To pass off that responsibility is not very socially responsible. For me it comes down to a basic premise of “just because I can and I want to do something doesn’t mean that I should”.
By all means explore your own desires, but do it with openness and honesty from the start with like minded people who are free to pursue their desires also.
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The Single Dating Diva stated:
“So is it true that you’re only as faithful as your options? The key word here is OPTIONS. Options means that there is a choice. You are choosing to act or not to act.”
The key word, may be “options” but NOT in that there is a choice.
The key word is “options” in that if you’re some ugly guy with no money, the chances are very slim that he will find a girl to chest with. So he has no OPTIONS.
Later on, the Diva talks about options being an illusion. That makes ZERO sense. If it IS an illusion, then it’s not really an option. Haha!
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Diva said,
“…If you can’t be faithful then don’t be in a relationship and don’t hurt others by your actions (whether it’s intentional or not). Plain. Simple.”
The fastest way to get caught isn’t to cheat, it’s to have an affair. There is a difference.
So don’t have an affair, and don’t get caught. You can then enjoy the awesome part of the relationship and the occasional side-action with some strange. …without hurting your significant other.
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