I recently read an article titled “Are You in a Relationship With an Unavailable Person?“, the author said “a “soul mate” must first be willing and available to have a relationship with you. If he or she is not, then he or she is not your soul mate, at least at the present time. A confusing aspect of being attracted to unavailable, commitment-phobic people is that the emotional or sexual chemistry can feel so strong, leading you to accept behavior you’d never tolerate in friends.” Wow. Just wow. It really resonated with me. Really really resonated with me. Why? Well, I met my soul mate, or if we don’t want to call it soul mate, call it my ideal partner or whatever you want. Yes, you heard right. I met him. It was a few years back. It was nothing short of electric, intense, crazy, know what other is feeling, thinking kind of thing … I can’t even describe the feeling. This quote says it better than I can: “We were not making love, we did not even kiss, but the inexplicable intimacy we shared left us wordlessly and hopelessly locked into each other’s gaze.” (Jasmine Dubroff) So why am I not with them right now? Well, the problem is that they were, still are, emotionally unavailable. What happened? I stuck around. I stuck around for longer than I should have.
The author continued, “the electricity can feel so incredible and rare, you mistake intensity for intimacy. You make compromises you wouldn’t typically consider in order to give the relationship a chance. Still, connection or not, you must take a sober look to determine if someone is truly available for intimacy. Know this: Not everyone you feel a connection with, no matter how mind-blowing, is your soul mate. You can fall for someone who is totally wrong for you, as unfair and confounding as that reality can be.” Is she talking about me? How did she know? Actually, I have learned over the years that MANY MANY people experience similar things and end up for many months, even years hoping for something different that never comes. Why? Because, from experience, the connection is so intense that it sucks you in and takes you over. It’s energizing. It’s, well, the most intense love you’ve ever felt. Besides, isn’t that the way it’s SUPPOSED to be? How unfair is right! You finally meet your soul mate, the one you’ve been waiting for all your life, and, even if they share your feelings, they aren’t even emotionally available? It sucks! But, you have to then question, are they really your soul mate then or something different all together?
Are They Really Your Soul Mate?
Well, if you buy into the whole soul mate thing then that’s the ideal right? You want that sort of feeling with someone. Isn’t that what everyone’s really looking for? Of course they are! But I truly believe that if someone is right for you then you’ll be together. Connection or not, it doesn’t really matter if they are your soul mate, or they are your ideal partner, or everything you’ve ever wanted. If they don’t want the same things you do, then it’s all for naught. No point in sticking around. Are they really your soul mate? Perhaps, but not for this lifetime maybe. You need to let go. I needed to let go and I did. Was it easy? Not one bit, it was painful actually, unfair and extremely sad, but, when I actually let go it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
Letting Go Of Your Soul Mate
As the author stated, “if you are in a toxic, abusive, or non-reciprocal relationship, it may be the right choice to withdraw, even when your passion is strong and says, “Stay.” It may feel excruciating to let go when you don’t want to, or if you’re still hoping against hope that the person will change, but … the heart knows when it’s enough.” I knew when enough was enough. It took me years, very very difficult years of a crazy roller coaster ride, but I finally let go, painful as it was. I hit my limit. I had to admit to myself that it just wasn’t meant to be. That love really wasn’t enough. Letting go of your soul mate is possible, it takes time, it is a process like everything else, but, it can be done. Perhaps some residue will be left over but that too will pass with time. It is possible. Take it from me. You deserve more. I deserve more.
So what am I doing? Well, now that I’ve felt that connection with someone, I am looking for it again. I won’t settle for less than a solid connection with someone. I want what I had with him but with someone who wants something more. Someone who IS emotionally available. Is that too much to ask? No, I don’t believe it is. I’ve settled before and ended up divorced, not going through that again!! So I wait and I date … enjoying the process and not really worrying too much about the outcome.
Readers: Have you ever had an intense connection with someone? What happened? Are you still together? I would love to hear about it in the comments!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
Coach Suzie 
Despite reading more advice columns than I should and hearing the same advice over and over from well-intentioned people, never could I reconcile my intense humanly connection with someone while also understanding the need to move on. Thank you for helping me make sense of having met and let go of my soulmate.
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Thanks for sharing your experience Charity. It is a difficult process, I completely agree and can relate but it’s sometimes necessary to put yourself first. Best of luck!!
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I agree. I really think my husband was a soulmate. I still feel a connection to him, but there is something missing. Well, a lot missing.
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It’s so hard when you think you’ve found the one but it isn’t what you expected. Thanks for sharing your experience!
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This is a really interesting and really helpful post. I usually mistake the men I have a connection with for my soulmates, only to find out later that they just wanted to have a good time and are not looking for anything serious. It is really hard to let go, but I guess it is better to do that then be unhappy with someone who can’t give you all the love you need.
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I know! Right! When is it a connection and when is it a soul mate? Can it be both? I think it’s easy to confuse charisma and someone’s strong presence with being a soul mate. That happened to me … I know how you feel but I had to eventually put me first. Thanks for sharing!
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I got lucky, I found my soul mate, we share an intense emotional bond, have so much in common, and the chemistry is beyond intense. The catch, we are currently in a long distance relationship until we can work out the logistics. That has increased our emotional bond even deeper because we can not always fulfill our physical needs. There isn’t hours of talking, but 5 minutes phone calls here and there all day, texts, and a common goal of building out lives together.
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Thanks for sharing your experience Tina! There is hope it seems 🙂 Glad you find your happy!
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This is a great post. Fortunately, it seems like there are more than one potential soul mate for each of us, which is good. Doesn’t make letting one of them go any easier though.
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Thanks Meena … and a soul mate doesn’t have to be in a relationship context either. What’s important is that you can recognize it and know what’s important to you and don’t settle for less than you deserve.
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This is such an important topic. MOST women have fallen for the wrong guy and lingered too long hoping things would change. GET OUT and MOVE ON if the guy is not spending the same amount of energy on you (and exemplifying it), that you are spending on him!
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AMEN sister!! Relationships should be mutually beneficial, so if you’re not getting what you’re putting in then run for the hills! No need to be a martyr!
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Such an important topic Suzie! This is a hard life lesson most women need to learn! WOW. Wouldn’t it be great if we humans could come to the place where we don’t settle for less than electric and AVAILABLE in relationships from the start of our adult lives?
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Thanks Lisa Jey! It’s about knowing what you’re worth and being confident enough to not settle for less … imagine that! Hopefully more people can get to that point, less people would definitely get hurt.
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Beautiful and vulnerable post Suzie, and you’re so right. We’re so pumped full of ideals of the “One” that we sometimes don’t really know what the One should feel like. Being soulmates doesn’t even mean you’ll be together forever, but it means you connect on a deeper level and grow together. Admitting to yourself that someone isn’t your soul mate is a really hard thing to do, but so worth it in the end.
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Great insight! You’re right … it’s not only about connecting it’s about growing together and walking TOGETHER in the same direction. Thanks for your comment!
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We have all romanticized the idea of a soul mate so much in our society that it’s nearly impossible to conceive of letting them go once they’re found. However, just because there is chemistry and a deep connection doesn’t always mean you’re meant to be together forever. It’s as though your post gives validation and people the freedom to accept that a soul mate may not be the best mate…at least in this life time! I am sure many who read this will feel inspired to let go of unhealthy relationships and leave knowing it’s OK!
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Thanks so much DIP!! You said it best … we romanticize the idea of a soul mate … it’s ingrained in us that it’s what we need and want and end up hurting when it doesn’t end up like they expected. It’s about putting your needs first and being able to let go when it’s not bringing you the happiness you need.
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Ugh yes! Another thing I realized recently is that person that we hold onto in our minds so tightly because we think they’re our soul mates… that person doesn’t exist. Your soul mate wants nothing more than to be with you so if you’re holding onto that time they said it days, months, or years ago then you’re just holding on to the idea of that person that’s not real.
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Thanks for your comment! Yes, we sometimes we justify things to ourselves and hang on for way too long to something that isn’t real. What’s important is realizing that and moving on to a place that makes us happy with someone who makes us truly happy.
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I’ve absolutely experienced this! I read a quote once that described it perfectly, “chemistry is you touching my arm and setting fire to my mind.” First kiss fireworks and the whole bit. My heart literally felt like it was overflowing with love and about to beat out of my chest when he was near. Sad news is, no it didn’t last, which often makes me question if it was ever real. Regardless it showed me the strength of love that I was capable of feeling. I dont know if I’ll ever feel it again. I hope so.
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Well, I met someone when I was 14 and he was 18 he was actually soul mate, I have gone to a lot of readings and this confirmed by many many that he is my soul mate, we have 2 kids together and had 2 miscarriages, we had been together for almost 12 years but then he cheated on me and left me and his kids for another woman, he continues to come to back begging me back many times but as much as it hurts I don’t take him back because I feel that we are apart for a reason, the break up has a reason as to why we are not together maybe because we need to both grow, maybe something to learn from our situation or maybe because were not meant to be, I mean only time can tell, when 2 people are meant for each other no matter how far and how long its been they will always gravitate back with each other no matter what even if that means separating from each other for quite some time months or it could be years. But the feeling I have with him is something I don’t know if I can ever feel with some else. I just hope and pray that god and the universe will lead me to my soul mate for this lifetime. Who knows maybe I have found him and already know him…..but maybe I might be led to someone who deserves me better and that I deserve…whatever it might be I trust in god and the universe because god is the only one who knows when its time and who it will be to be placed in your life forever.
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