I recently had quite an unpleasant, frustrating, encounter with a couple of narcissists. It brought out in me many negative emotions. In my effort to understand where they were coming from, I kept getting more and more outraged, but I admit, I let it happen. Their lack of empathy for others and utter disregard for human compassion was mind boggling. The more I saw and heard the more I couldn’t believe what I was hearing or experiencing. They just didn’t get it. Their world view was quite skewed, especially when it came to how they treated other people. But, I shouldn’t have been surprised because, after all, well, they’re narcissists.
According to psychologists, people with narcissistic personality disorder exhibit the following traits:
- they have delusions of grandeur
- they have an inflated sense of self-worth
- they’re always looking for validation and admiration, will spend copious amounts of money to treat others to something special just so people will notice them or think they’re something different and special (oysters and champagne anyone!? how about a round of drinks?)
- they have a sense of entitlement and unreasonable expectations of others around them
- they exploit others and use others’ experiences and status to heighten their own, that’s why they like to keep affluent or noteworthy friends on their roster, they like to be the one with all the right connections
- they lack empathy and cannot identify with the feelings of others or understand that their actions hurt others
- they are emotionally unavailable
It’s always all about the narcissist and their needs. They don’t care how their actions affect other people. They hurt people without even thinking twice about it and turn it around to be the fault of the victim. They just don’t get it and downplay what would be common sense to others. Narcissism and dating is a very real thing my friends. We ARE dating in the age of instant gratification after all!
So how do you know if you’re dating a narcissist? I did, I dated a narcissist once upon a time and loved every minute of it, until I didn’t. The “relationship tease” is a narcissist par excellence! You don’t realize right away how narcissistic someone is because they are great at hiding it behind their magnanimous and charming personalities. You get swept up in the experience. Live and learn, right? When you’re in a situation you don’t see the full dynamic of it, it’s only when you step outside the circle that you see the big picture.When I came across some great reading about this very topic I decided to write about why narcissism and dating are more common than you think. Recognizing the red flags are all part of dating smart.
Narcissism and Dating … Dating a Narcissist
In the article Could You Be Dating a Narcissist?, social psychologist Theresa DiDonato explains why it’s difficult to have anything meaningful in terms of personal relationships with narcissists. She lists the following 5 things as common when dating a narcissist (and of course including my thoughts ;)):
- They are commitment phobic and can’t sit in one place for very long, they need variety and change to an unhealthy degree, even at the expense of the one they’re with. To them, the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. I like to call them people and sex hoppers, they hop from one to the other without missing a beat. They are the ones who will trade in the red hot Jaguar for the rusty old Chevy just for the sake of novelty (it is a different hole after all!). Why should they be satisfied with just one when they have so much love to spread around!! With them love and sex is a “free for all”.
- They are emotionally unavailable and unable to connect on an emotional level with others. They would much prefer to be admired and loved by the masses than have any meaningful connection with anyone. These are the types that will lead someone on for many months, or years, having absolutely no intention of letting them go, nor moving into a real relationship with them, and, of course, relationship teases fall into this category.
- They are more aggressive individuals. They don’t fight fair, whether it’s physical or emotional abuse, they hurt the person they’re with just to get a reaction out of them. They love the drama that comes with a disagreement or difficult situation. They actually thrive in that environment. When the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, they are there cool as a cucumber. They also tend to be the ones who give you the silent treatment when they want to show their dominance or control.
- They are more open to cheating. Because of their commitment phobic tendencies they are more prone to infidelity. They are driven by their egos and what’s good for them, having an utter disregard for their partners feelings or sexual safety.
- They are into playing games. The author says that narcissists “are more apt to lie, manipulate, and over-control their partners. They flirt with others and hide their real personality, making it difficult to form a trusting partnership.” They will set up situations and scenarios just to see what happens, all in the name of “having fun” of course. Like, for example, bringing together two people they’re sleeping with to see what happens when they find out or doing things leaving you wondering if it’s you who’s crazy or them.
So there you have it … narcissists are very real, they can take many shapes and forms, but the end product is essentially the same – they are toxic. Dating a narcissist is bad news and having gone through that, I caution you to stay away. Once the narcissistic tornado blows through and the shiny surface is gone, what’s left is hurt, confusion and broken pieces. You can’t change them, nor influence them positively in any way. This is a psychological problem that needs full realization that they have a problem and therapy to solve. All you can do is just ignore them! They really aren’t worth your time or energy. We waste too much time giving people like this the benefit of the doubt, but it’s not worth it. Pay attention to the red flags and stay away! For your sanity if for nothing else. Remember that a situation created by a narcissist is “NOT your circus and NOT your monkeys.” Move on! You’ll be glad you did!
READERS: Are you dating a narcissist? Have you ever dated a narcissist? I would love to hear your stories in the comments below!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva