It feels great to meet someone new, especially someone that seems just right. You have a lot in common, you enjoy each other’s company, they make you laugh, you’re attracted to each other, there’s mad chemistry and not to mention those butterflies. You’ve hit the jackpot – ding ding ding – oh, wait a minute, one technicality, they’re not actually yours for the taking. They are in a relationship with someone else. Bummer. But, then again, they’re much happier with you, you are everything they’ve always wanted, they don’t actually really want to be in their relationship anymore, you belong together. Perhaps you’ve left it at talking or maybe you’ve even dated, perhaps even had sex … is it cheating? Well, I’ve written before about how to define cheating where I mentioned that cheating can be mental, emotional or physical … so if you’re reading this and the situation is sounding somewhat familiar, then you could very well be the sidechick, or, the other woman. Question is, will he ever leave her for you? That’s what one reader asked and here’s my answer.
Dear Single Dating Diva,
I’m in a bit of a situation. I met this great guy, we get along so well, great chemistry and an amazing connection. He’s everything I’ve been looking for in a partner, but the problem is he’s married. He spends a lot of time with me and hardly any at home. He says his marriage is over and they are just cohabiting for financial reasons and that it’s a temporary situation. We started out just talking but it soon turned into a sexual relationship. His wife doesn’t know about me and he never spends the night with me. We also rarely go out in public because he says he doesn’t want to cause any problems or hurt his wife. This situation has been going on for a while and he says it’s only a matter of time and he will leave her and we could be together. I’m starting to think that it’s not going to happen. I am not sure whether I should wait and be patient or just move on. I love him a lot but I just need some security after all this time. I need to know will he leave her? Am I wasting my time and being stupid? I don’t know what to do. Help!
Sincerely,
Wants To Be Number One
He Will Never Leave Her for You
Dear Wants To Be Number One,
Thank you for your email and question. I’m sorry you’re going through a very difficult and confusing time. I can imagine you’re very frustrated, but you would have to agree that you kind of got yourself into this situation. I’m totally not judging your actions, these are the choices you made and for whatever reason you thought it was best for you at the time. After all, men who aren’t single are actually quite charming. I get it. I’ve been pursued by attached men more often than not. They are really good at telling you whatever you want to hear and making you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Essentially, you get all their good stuff while they chase you. Some will even go all out and buy you gifts and treat you like the queen that you are. That’s why some women actually prefer dating married men, they get all the good stuff without having to deal with the mundane everyday humdrum things. Am I right? Just one problem, they are actually with someone else. They really are never yours. Even if they profess their love to you and promise you the world, they belong to someone else. Will they leave her for you? Well, I have to say probably not. True anything is possible, but really, chances are that no he will never leave her for you. Why? Well, two reasons and I’ll tell you what they are.
WHY He Will Never Leave Her for You
Firstly, he’s got the best of both worlds. These guys have their loving wife or partner at home and the nice life with her. It’s his public persona. It keeps up appearances. He has affection for her, deep or not, and he’s comfortable in his life with her. Although he craves excitement and change, he actually also loves the stability that comes with his relationship. Think about it. What more could this guy want? Even if it’s only an emotional affair, he sees that he’s still “got it” because he’s snagged you, but he doesn’t have to leave his wife either. Hot sex without the responsibility that comes with a relationship? Lucky bastard!
Secondly, if he was going to leave her he would have left already, with or without you. He didn’t suddenly meet you and his whole world turned upside down. Smarten up. This guy is bored and needs his masculinity validated and he’s doing it at your expense. A decent man with good intentions will clean up his mess before pursuing “other interests”. If he really was completely and utterly in love with you and wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t even think twice about leaving and he would deal with the messiness of leaving his partner for you. He would have already done it, he should have been with you by now if you’ve been together a while. Either way, he’s still there with her and he’s still having an affair with you, emotional or physical, it’s still an affair.
You need to ask yourself why you’re with him. Is it because he’s everything you ever wanted, or, is it because you actually don’t want something real with someone who can fully commit to you. Ask yourself why you are wasting your time with this guy and frankly, why you’re settling for second best? Don’t romanticize it, be realistic. You deserve to be number one in a man’s life and in this situation you’re not regardless of what he tells you.
My advice is to walk away. Tell him to clean up his mess and when he is ready to give you his all he knows where to find you AND you might consider this, if he cheated on her, what’s to stop him from cheating on you one day? This guy gets bored and craves variety, one day he might get bored of you and look elsewhere for some novelty. You need to decide for yourself, but in the end, whatever you choose, choose you. Just remember that you deserve happiness and you don’t seem to be happy with this situation. Just some food for thought.
Good Luck and Hope this helps!
READERS: What do you think? Does a man ever leave his wife for the “other woman”? What advice would you give this reader? Let us know in the comments below!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
Coach Suzie 
I really loved the advice you gave here! It is true that a man who has “the best of both worlds” will never be able to give up one for the other, regardless of his feelings for each person. The only advice I would give is to try to leave, and watch his reactions. If he starts doing what he promised – leaving his wife- then he is worth a shot. But if he finds excuses and lets you go, he is definitely not worth it!
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Great advice. It’s about being true to yourself. Building strong solid values such as : self-respect, love of self and not settling. If you want to be number one for someone then first be number one to yourself.
A man in a relationship is an unavailable man. All the best. 🙂
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Great post, great advice!
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He can leave his partner for the new women in some cases, like it’s a more casual one, as in they are just boyfriend/girlfriend (no kids or live together). I’ve seen this one a lot but most weren’t long term, maybe only dating until the right one comes around. In the other cases yes he could leave his partner but often he cheats on the new woman too. In other cases he was actually planning on leaving her. Most cases I’ve seen nope the guy doesn’t leave the wife. I’ve seen women hope he does, even have kids with him (bad choice), only to find out he never will. I’ve seen a lot of married men on dating sites and even almost got tricked by one and think they are low class for doing that. I can’t help but wonder how many woman have unintentionally fallen for one.
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I did get left for the side chick but only AFTER I confronted him! I agree most men will have their cake and it too for as loooooong as they can. They did marry right after our divorce was finalized and have 2 children…but the way the got together caught up with them. The doubt, mistrust, and insecurities resulted in their divorce. They got what they both deserved!
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Yes, occasionally they do leave. However, the likelihood of it living up to its billing is small. The fact of the matter remains that if he’s cheating with you, he WILL eventually cheat on you. He’s proven that he’s the cheating type. 1 in 4 men are cheats, as are as many women.
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That’s not a fact, it’s an assumption.
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Hell yeah, amen to this post! Know what your worth ladies. and don’t ever settle for anything less than what u truly deserve!
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This is true, and sadly universal. Women keep allowing it to happen because they always think that they’re the exception to the rule!
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Nice read!! D.O.D
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I have mixed thoughts on this one. While I absolutely do not condone cheating on your partners/spouse/significant other/whatever-label-you-prefer, I also don’t like black and white concrete “this is how it is” advice. True, not every man or woman will leave their partner for the person they are cheating with, and true the “other person” (because women cheat too!) is just as much to blame for the choices IF he/she knows that the person they are pursuing is with someone else. But there is so much gray area in situations like this. I have been cheated on many times, so I know how that feels. My ex-husband cheated constantly and didn’t leave until I kicked his ass out. However, my current SO and I met while he was in a relationship with someone else, but I had no idea! here were no signs, no clues, no red flags. We started off very casual, but we saw each other 2-3 nights a week and he would sleep over. Once things kicked up and got a bit more serious between us and went from casual dating to relationship-like, he left his live-in girlfriend of 5 years. I did not know about any of this until almost a year later when she hunted me down and contacted me. I asked him, he came clean, and I was upset that he wasn’t completely upfront about his relationship status, but honestly, I was dating and screwing others guys as well because we weren’t exclusive so I can’t really be too upset. Anyway, my point is: Yes some men/women who are cheating will never leave so long as they can have their cake and eat it too, however there are a few out there who really are ready to move on and just need that push. I know that it wasn’t easy to end my horrible marriage, so you can’t just lump everyone together and say “well if you want to leave you just leave.”
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Amen. When I met my ex, I didn’t know he was married. Once I found out he was, I tried to end things. He persisted, and admittedly I did not resist his advances for very long. He divorced his wife and we spent 3.5 years together before ending our relationship. You simply cannot lump everyone into the same category. It is trite and lazy advice giving to say “If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you.” A girlfriend of mine cheated on every man she dated until she met the one who would become her husband. I certainly do not condone cheating, but we shouldn’t be so limited in our thinking to assume things like “he just wants to have his cake and eat it too” or “once a cheater, always a cheater.” Life and human relationships just aren’t that simple.
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If they can have their cake and eat it too – they will! Same goes for women I am afraid!
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It’s very true. While I don’t condone cheating I think if someone does it they need to settle things in their current relationship and acknowledge their own reasons for cheating. Cheating is a tool for avoiding the inevitable – namely, facing the fact they are NOT happy in their current relationship. Unfortunately women tend to wait around a lot longer hoping for their loves to come around and leave their SOs, which 90% of the time, they don’t. Thanks for this post!
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