It’s the age old question, something we learn as children … we take a flower and pluck the petals and say “he loves me, he loves me not” and keep plucking until you get to the end result … so does he love you? or are you out of luck? Well, if you have to ask then, let’s be honest, he probably doesn’t. Harsh? Well, not really. Realistic? You better believe it!!
Something I’ve learned in my many years on this earth is that we complicate things more than they are by trying to see things as we want them rather than how they really are. We analyze situations and actions and reason the solution or answer we want. Nowhere is this more true than in love. When we so desperately want someone to love us we will find something, anything, that will prove it to us. But, really, we shouldn’t have to. If someone loves you then you will just know. How? Well, their actions and words will leave you no doubt. You won’t even think about it because you’ll just know.
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not. If You Have To Ask …
I get so many emails from women trying to decipher if a guy likes them or not. Time and again, it’s different versions of the same story over and over again. Time and again it’s so blatantly obvious that the guy is just not into them, but, wishful thinking prevails and they dig into the depths of communication analysis to see what they want to see. We’ve all been there. Me especially (more times than I’d like to admit!). You just have to look at the most popular posts on my site to know what’s on people’s mind … which is on top? Signs That He Likes You … which is no surprise. But, wondering how to really tell that he’s “just not that into you”? Well, easier said than done, right? Wrong! I found a great list in Psychology Today that I’d like to share with you …
He “loves you not” and just not that into you if …
- He’s always talking about his ex
- He says he’s not ready for a relationship
- He wants to rush into a relationship (case in point a “Stage 5 Clinger”)
- He still hasn’t asked you out on a REAL date
- He’s secretive and hides his phone from you
- He doesn’t give you butterflies
I would add …
- He doesn’t text / call back in a timely manner
- All he talks about is sex and only calls you for “booty calls”
- When you spend time together he’s always distracted
- He’s a relationship tease
- He’s a narcissist (well, he can’t love you if he loves himself too much ;))
- You’re stressed out more often than not by his actions / words
He “loves you” AND totally into you if …
- He wants to talk to you all the time
- He wants to spend quality time with you OUTSIDE of the bedroom
- He gives you attention
- He compliments you
- He listens to you
- He is engaged in your life and wants you engaged in his life
- There is no apparent secrecy
- He makes you a priority in his life
- You’re happy and fulfilled
So there you have it … does he love you? does he love you not? well ask yourself the honest question and you actually know the honest answer because if you have to ask, then 99.9% of the time, he loves you not. So move onward and upwards to someone who is in to you and that can really truly love you enough that you don’t have to ask the question because you’ll just know.
READERS: Have you ever been left questioning if someone “loves you” or “loves you not”? What did you do? How did you find out? What were the red flags you encountered? Would you add anything to the lists above? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
Coach Suzie 
If he’s not making any effort – you initiate calls/texts all the time and he’s always making excuses to cancel dates then those are sure signs he’s not into you.
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I have what is one of the strangest relationships right now. I am friends with a guy I connect with on so many levels. We have so much in common, have the same interests and morals and even our parents think we should be together and treat us as a couple. His mother in fact has said so and introduces me to everyone. However we haven’t gone on an actual date. He did ask me to the movies, I got excited and then he told me his mother was going too! He does everything men do that are interested like he stares at me, when I look at him he giggles. He lights up when i walk into a room and tells people he likes me (told a family friend he was afraid to approach me first time meeting because he wanted to make a good first impression). He’s even touchy feely with me, holding my hand or hugging me. As he gets more comfortable with me (he once told me he felt intimidated by me)he tells me a lot and our conversations have become more towards whether we want to get married or have babies (us individually, not whether we should marry). I didn’t bring up these topics, he did as in did I want marriage because he did (or he claimed). I know he is in counseling for a few issues so I wonder if that is it. Just when I think he’s not into me is when he does something or says something. Normally I know if a guy likes me but with him I have no idea. He likes me, but does he LIKE me? He’s very shy and socially insecure so this might be why we are in limbo land. I’m not waiting around for him, it’s just I can’t find men I like who like me back. I get guys who pursue me but all of them have deal breakers like they have kids or are much older.
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I forgot to mention he gives me attention and compliments and we’ve never had sex. He tells me about his life and talks about mine. Weird situation.
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Well, if you’re not waiting around for him and you don’t know, then you could either
1.) ask him and see how he feels and what he says
2.) kiss him and see what happens
3.) continue on with life and move on
Some of us guys are pretty stupid and don’t know what we want. Sometimes we have been single for so long we don’t know what we want and get comfortable with the single life. If you like the guy, then take life by the horns and find out. At least you can say you did it and there’s no regret.
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Yeah I have considered that I need to be more aggressive. Not to the point of scaring him, just finding out either way. I did kiss him on the cheek before and he turned red and hid for a few minutes. He then came back and told me he can’t wait until he sees me again. I’m thinking kissing him on the lips but that might freak him out if he’s not interested. The problem may be I’m shy but he’s even shyer.
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Hi Suzie,
Yeah, I think most people who ask this question are just looking for validation and ways to convince themselves to believe what they want to believe.
If he really is into them, it would be obvious.
Also though, the list is a little simplistic and I don’t think everything applies all the time. There is so much gray area in these topics. We’re such complicated creatures and so hard to define!
For example: I was in a relationship with a woman once, and her definition of texting/calling back in a timely manner were different than mine. I am pretty adamant about not being glued to my phone and regularly leave it in my car, at home, etc.
When I tried explaining this to her; she started worrying that I was having an affair or hiding something from her.
And there can definitely be times where he DOES love her and she’s not “happy and fulfilled.” All relationships go through ups and downs and I think this is one way the commitment and strength of a relationship is really tested. Thanks for sharing.
Paul
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Great post! Very true. What about the men that love you but love something a little bit more? You know, the men that are way too into partying to be in a committed relationship? He may exhibit all of these behaviors that seem as if he wants to be with you but just can’t do it 100% They may love you and want to be with you but there is something else that stands in the way and is just a little bit more important than you are. My advice for these types of guys – move on! Personal experience.
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Sounds simple enough, but when people are enamored with someone they tend to forget the basics! Great list of things to pay attention to in order to find out the truth. Most of the time it’s right in front of a person’s face, but they choose to ignore or justify it.
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A question I am debating atm… but definitely won’t be blogging about it as my b/f knows my blog address!
🙂 interesting blog
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