Have you ever experienced the dating waiting game? You go out on a great date and then wait for them to call you back, or you send them a message and wait for a response for what seems like an eternity. You’re waiting for something, ANYTHING. You keep checking your phone, you have your friends call or text to make sure it still works. You know you’ve done it. I won’t lie, I have been guilty of this too.
What To Do When You’ve Been Ghosted
So what do you do if you’ve been ghosted? If they never called you back? What’s their problem you ask? Well, the problem isn’t them, though, it’s you. Yes, you! The problem is how much weight you’re attaching to this callback and the emotional investment you’re making too early on.
Let’s Get Real
When you go on your first couple of dates it’s easy to get carried away if you have great chemistry with them. What happens next? Your standards and logic go out the window and in flies expectation, excitement, impulsiveness and irrationality. Why is that a problem if you both really like each other? Well, theoretically it shouldn’t be a problem, but, realistically it matters a lot. When you get caught up you lose sight of reality and see things how you want them and not always how they really are. So when you have a great date with someone, your expectation is that they call back because they had a great time too. Right? Maybe, maybe not. You really don’t know.
On one side you’ve got your serial daters who enjoy the “honeymoon phase” of dating. They are addicted to the excitement that comes from meeting someone new and clicking with them on the first date and the fireworks that they want to do it over and over again dating multiple people. On the other side, you’ve got the ones that think about it and realized that perhaps you weren’t the right one for them or they went on a date with someone else and clicked more with them than you. You don’t know, that’s the thing, and you probably will never know or get closure about it.
What To Do
I definitely endorse sending a “thank you” message the next day after a date, especially if I had a good time and see the potential. I will usually send a text or message to say: “Hi. I just wanted to say thank you for the coffee and great conversation. Take Care, Suzie.” It’s polite to say thank you and paints you in a positive light. Just don’t make it a big conversation or send anything lengthy or be clingy or over text. Send your brief message and leave the ball in their court.
It will open the door to date two or shut the door completely. If they like you they will take it as encouragement to move forward. If they weren’t interested in you they will be cold or vague in their response (or just not respond) but what’s important is that you were polite and reached out. You didn’t throw yourself at them, you were just thanking them. So, in my opinion, it’s a win-win.
Truth is that if someone wants to be with you it doesn’t matter what you do, they will still want to be with you, I’ve said this many times. I think you should always give people their space and just go with the flow. Focus on what’s within your control and trust that things will fall into place where they need to and wait for NO ONE. If they ghosted on you, close the door and move on, don’t give them that power over you! They’re not worth your stress or agony. Go out and HAVE FUN and enjoy dating despite any bad experiences you have.
READERS: Have you ever been ghosted? Have you ever ghosted someone? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Originally appeared on eHarmony Canada.
Coach Suzie 
I used to get so upset when thus happened and it happened a lot. The worst was when you were sexually active, including kissing and there was chemistry and they did it. With online I never kissed them (and wouldn’t have unless we were dating) so if they did this I said whatever. It happened a lot after a first date but to be honest I could usually see the signs. They were reluctant to make a second date and were not excited. I’d rather they do this early on than after a series of dates.
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You’re definitely right Dawn, it’s easier when this happens early on. Best to not invest emotionally (or physically) until you’re sure you’re on the same page.
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Yep, that’s why I take it slowly until I know. With online there are so many variables (he could be dating others, met a woman he likes but wants to be sure, etc). It does turn off many men but they are likely not those in to for relationships.
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I haven’t experienced this but I have seen this happened to some of my friends. Good to know these if it ever happened to me, I’ll know what to do.
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It does happen Thea unfortunately, but glad you haven’t experienced it!
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Dear diva, there is this girl i want to be with. I first met her in a restaurant and we exchanged contact, since then she hardly pick up my calls and even when she picks she doesn’t sound fascinated. Like you always said people will be with if they want to, i always thought of this. Like her and i want to be with her, what should i do?
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Thanks for your question Mr. JJ. It seems you’re more enthusiastic about her than she is of you. If she was really interested in you then she would be wanting to speak with you more and spend time with you. If you really want to try then ask her out on a date and if she is interested she will say yes, if she says no then I suggest you move on and meet someone else. You can’t make someone want you, they do or they don’t and you need to accept that. Wishing you the best!
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Hey Susie,
I always contact my dates after but is there such a thing as being too much not like a ghost? Like I always feel that I should call or email the next day, sort of to show my interest. However, I also wonder if maybe that says I have nothing else going on? Maybe better to wait a bit and be a bit mysterious?
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Hey Chris! Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s always polite and a positive thing to do to send a message after a date (the next day maximum) to say “thank you for a great time”, they might respond or not but at least you were polite. If you’re interested in seeing them again then just add “I look forward to seeing you again” and go from there. You look desperate when you blow up their phone with messages and don’t leave them alone.
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Chris, do you contact all your dates or just the ones you are interested in? I ask because one of the nicest rejections occurred when a guy let me know he felt nothing but wishing me well. Sounds weird but I felt the same way. I thanked him for letting me know. He said he was afraid to let me know because other women were offended.
I agree with Suzie. A call the next day saying you had fun is nice but don’t send several messages. Also, if you get rejected just say thank you and move on. I’ve had guys get nasty and it made me scared to be honest. If she doesn’t get back to you you can call her back in a few days (because after all she may have not gotten the message). Maybe try a few days after that but then just assumed she’s not interested. I always got back to guys I didn’t like but some people don’t.
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