Dating someone new fills you with so many different emotions – excitement, fear, apprehension, giddiness and even relief. Add sexual tension to the mix and you’ve got yourself some pretty crazy chemical reactions. All these are completely normal things to experience. What differs if how you react to them. Many have made some unfortunate rookie mistakes when it comes to sex and dating which have left them full of regret and, frankly, alone. I am certainly guilty of making many mistakes!
Sex and dating is one of the most common questions I get, and with all the confusing and conflicting advice being dished out by countless people, it’s hard to know what’s right or wrong. Well, I’m here to tell you there is NO right or wrong but there are best practices to follow which are unique to each individual. Sex and dating is not about timing, it’s about intention. I’ll explain.
Sex and Dating – Timing vs Intention
In sex and dating, timing is what most people usually focus on. Three date rule anyone? We’ve heard everything from not having sex on the first date to Steve Harvey’s 90-day sex rule to a free for all sexy lifestyle – but who’s right? Well, nobody and everybody to be honest. Why? Because sex isn’t about timing, sex is about intention.
What that means is that WHY you’re having sex with them and WHY they’re having sex with you means more than when you have sex. If both people are on the same page emotionally and mentally, if both are clear about where they stand with each other AND if both are clear about what sex means to them and the relationship / potential relationship then have sex whenever.
This isn’t a carte blanche by any stretch, but you really need to make smart choices about your sexual behavior when dating. We’ve all made mistakes but what’s important is that you’ve learned what works and doesn’t work for you. You need to protect yourself and remember that safe sex is physically safe, mentally safe and emotionally safe. Most people forget the last two and just because they protect their bodies they think they’re safe but then they get hurt. That’s why I say casual sex is all fun and games until someone gets a broken heart (which happens more often than not).
Sex and Dating – Getting The Timing Right
So you’ve met someone that totally floats your boat and makes your special parts tingle? Here are some questions to ask yourself before taking the big plunge into ecstasy:
- What is your attitude towards sex? Are you cool with casual sex or are you more traditional? How would you feel if you had sex with them and then they disappeared into a black hole never to be heard from again? If they “hit it and quit it” how would that make you feel?
- What is your sex and dating history? Do you tend to approach sex as a free for all or are you more reserved? Do you tend to be more impulsive and then regret your actions later? Does loneliness and the need for intimacy cloud your judgement when dating?
- What are your intentions towards the person you’re on a date with? Do you really want to get to know them more? Are you looking for a serious long term relationship? Are you just looking for hanging out / casual dating?
- What is your emotional / mental state? Do you have baggage you haven’t dealt with? Are you on the rebound? Are you lonely and craving intimacy with someone?
- Are they clear about their intentions towards you? While there are no guarantees in life, are you both headed on the same path in the same direction? Be wary of someone promising too much too soon and telling you everything you want to hear.
While everyone is different, depending on where they’re at, I caution people to be very clear with their intentions and to manage their expectations when it comes to sex and dating. Know yourself and what you can handle, know that most people can’t handle a casual sex arrangement with someone and that’s OK, just be honest with yourself and those you date. Remember, this isn’t Sex and the City and you’re NOT Samantha.
A best practice, if you are looking for a serious long term relationship and know you’ll be hurt if they “hit it and quit it”, is to at least wait until you know you’re on the same page before getting intimate. A good way to avoid the temptation is to not have “home” dates until you know you’re ready to have sex. Someone who has good intentions for you will understand and respect that, they will also usually want to wait because they want to get to know you better as well. Never feel pressured to have sex if that’s not where you’re at, especially if you think that will keep someone or make them want you more.
Sex and dating is all about intention – making sure that you’re both on the same page and have the same end goal in mind, whatever that may be, is more relevant than timing. When isn’t what’s important, why is. Be mindful of your actions and protect yourself physically, mentally and emotionally, BUT most of all HAVE FUN because dating can be fun if you date smart.
READERS: What is your approach to sex and dating? What are your best practices and lessons learned? Share your thoughts and wisdom in the comments below!
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Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
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