As we journey into re-integration into the dating world, are we really, truly a hundred percent “there”. Particularly after a divorce or a separation from a long relationship we bring with us baggage, we know that. What if we bring with us our ex as well? What if we truly haven’t cut the cord or we are still hanging by a string. I personally brought out of my marriage some baggage, but I didn’t bring my ex. That, thank goodness, was a clean cut. However, it got me thinking, what about those who leave their relationships and it isn’t such a clear cut? How does it hinder their future relationships?
We all have that “what if” person. Whether it’s our first love, our first sexual experience, our first serious relationship or even the one that “got away” … they always seem to creep in one way or another. We always use them as the benchmark for others. C’mon, admit it, we all have one of those. Whether it’s a realistic vision of them or the relationship or an idealized version, we compare each person to them and new people sometimes never add up. So what do you do? Well, short of snapping out of it, not much. You have to reflect and determine what it is about this person that makes you idealize them. Perhaps it’s a particular trait that you like and finding this trait in someone else is what you need in a new relationship.
So I am sure you’re wondering who my “what if” person is. Well, as I mentioned earlier, it’s definitely not my ex husband. He’s my “what if I didn’t get married” person. My idealized mate is someone I know. He is the epitome of what I want in a man, or what I see him as is my ideal man. He’s a definite Alpha male; he’s successful, handsome, intelligent, stylish, social and my match in every way. Perhaps he’s not like that at all, but that’s how I see him. That’s the thing about idealized people; it’s all in how you, personally, look at them. I guarantee you most other people see him as arrogant, unapproachable and unfriendly. Not to me. I guess I have rose coloured glasses when I look at him. But he’s my benchmark; he’s everything I never knew I wanted until I met him. Of course he’s unattainable, but perhaps that’s what makes him so appealing.
I guess I either need to find another one of him, or, stop comparing everyone to him. But we do that, don’t we. We sabotage other potential relationships because we are hung up on one other person that we’ve idealized and put on a pedestal they don’t particularly deserve. How to get out that rut? Well, when I find out I’ll tell you!
Stirring the Dating Sauce,
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
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