Ask Single Dating Diva: My Boyfriend Wants To Have A Threesome

OK what guy doesn’t fantasize about having a threesome with two women?  Single, Dating, Married … it doesn’t matter.  It’s a common fantasy.  Heck, some women, actually a lot of women, also fantasize about having threesomes with two guys.  Who doesn’t want to be in the middle of a sexy sandwich with all the attention lavished on them?  Talk about an ego boost! That is … if everything goes smoothly, everything, ahem, works, no one gets jealous and everyone has fun.  This is a question I got recently from one of my readers.  What would you do?

Dear Single Dating Diva,

threesomeMy boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years.  We have a great relationship and sex life.  We have our ups and downs like everyone else, but we deal with them and move on.  We’ve talked about taking our relationship to the next level and are both confident that’s what we want.  But, recently, my boyfriend asked me if I would be willing to have a threesome with another woman.  I was floored.  I thought he was satisfied sexually with me.  He says he is, that this would just be something different, some variety.  I love him and want to spend my life with him, does that mean I should do this? For him? Help!!

Thanks,

Typical Twosome 

Dear Typical Twosome,

threesomeThanks for your question.  The threesome, or menage a trois, is definitely a sticky situation.  But, it doesn’t necessarily help your relationship, actually it might just hinder the relationship in most situations.  Even if the other woman is a complete stranger, she will always “be there”.  It’s really hard to separate your emotions from the sexual act.  This is why I really advise against having threesomes when you’re in a committed relationship.  In most cases, the relationship suffers as a result.  The only exception is if the couple is open sexually and can leave their emotions at the door and enjoy the event for what it is.  This doesn’t seem the case for you and your boyfriend.  You shouldn’t have a threesome just to make him happy.  It has to be something you both want, your hesitation shows me that it’s not something you are comfortable with.

If you don’t decide to do it, then I suggest trying some other new risky sexual adventures that you haven’t tried before.  Perhaps a some funky positions, doing it somewhere naughty, go to your local or online sex store and buy some toys or raunchy lingerie to try or even watching lesbian or threesome porn while you have sex.  There are lots of fun things you can do as a couple that will spice up your sex life without bringing another person into the equation.

If you do decide to go ahead with it, remember to set the ground rules in advance (like what’s allowed and not), choose someone you’re both attracted to and comfortable with, do it somewhere other than your bedroom (like a hotel), wear protection, make sure all participants get equal attention and try to keep your jealousy in check.

I’m of the opinion that threesomes should only take place among friends, acquaintances or complete strangers, not within the context of a relationship.  But that’s just my personal opinion.  Remember, whatever you decide, make sure you are completely convinced it’s the right thing for you and be safe!!

Have you been asked to have a threesome? Have you had a threesome? Did it help or hurt your relationship?

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Copyright Single Dating Diva

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27 comments

  1. As Diva said, it depends on your relationship. Is one of you at all possessive or jealous? Don’t do it. Either of you paranoid about your partner straying? Don’t do it.

    Another thing to bear in mind is this: will he be satisfied with just the once? Or would he then want to make it a regular part of your sex life? I think people worry too much about guys becoming more attached to the “third wheel” – we don’t usually have a problem divorcing sex and attachment, especially if the woman concerned is a stranger – but we *can* get used to the idea of regular kinky sex, and there’s a danger that once your boyfriend has tasted the exotic, he’ll never again be satisfied with “vanilla”, mano a mano sex.

    On the other hand, if you’re confident your bond is strong enough to handle a threesome, it’s the perfect bargaining chip for any fantasies you might have. “I’ll do the threesome, on one condition …” Don’t forget about your needs. And if he ever does, ditch him.

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    • Men, unlike women, do not associate sex with love. I think that one thought is key. My biggest worry about a threesome was that my guy would focus more on the other woman to indulge in the “unknown”. Afraid that he would enjoy her presence more than my own. That is my own insecurity talking. But if you can check that at the door and enjoy it I might be pleasantly surprised. The “might” is what may keep you from doing a threesome. You do have to both want it.

      That being said, I do agree that a boundry needs to be set even as early as the first conversation about it. Share with your partner your insecurities. If he loves you, he will respect you and your thoughts and feelings.

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  2. Yes agreed that it has to be something that you both want and not just to make the other person happy.because then he/she can always use that excuse “but it will make me happy”. And why can’t it just be a fantasy. You two can always role-play and have an imaginary third person there and talk about what that person is doing. If he says it would be something different and something to spice things up bring up about not another woman but another man and see what his reaction is?

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  3. Going the distance on a fantasy has to be a mutually pleasurable and agreed upon experience; no matter the sexual fantasy. If you are not relaxed and open you will most likely leave the experience with a negative taste in your mouth. As I do agree that threesomes can get complicated, I do not feel it is an automatic relationship killer. Her first thought {“I thought he was sexually satisfied with me”} may indicate that some more discussion may be necessary before any serious plans go into motion. Both partners must be secure in their relationship. I also agree with your advice, Diva, when you mentioned that specific ground rules must be in place! Threesomes can add spice to a relationship but it should be just that…spice, condiment or side-dish. When sexual experimentation becomes the foundation of your relationship, problems are inevitable.

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    • Thanks for your comment! You’re right! Threesomes should add spice and not define a relationship … it’s the little something extra they decide is right for them and go for it. It just doesn’t feel like it’s the right thing for everyone.

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  4. This is an interesting topic that always warrants a very long, detailed discussion to be sure every motive is out in the open, every wish, desire, etc… is expressed. It could simply be that her boyfriend is into a more extremest form of sex life, and that is something he should explain, and she should consider before moving in any direction. If it is not the case, and his needs are not being met, there may be other things she can do to spice things up that won’t entail bringing another person in. Great post!

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  5. I don’t believe threesomes on their own hinder or help a relationship. If there are problems in paradise, this is the last place you want to go. The only third person you may need is a therapist. That said, Nuggie (my man) and I love Paul Newman’s saying… why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home… but then we added this little tidbit: But it never hurts to add a little shrimp on the side. Surf and Turf baby! BUT – people must be both interested in this – that’s my firm belief, and it sounds like this girl wants the traditional situation. She’d best pack it up unless she is able to have a major paradigm shift and actually live it out…

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  6. I am not trying to be negative but I respectfully disagree with your advice. To begin with not all men fantasize about two women threesome and some straight men fantasize about two men threesome. Why? Some reasons may include two male threesomes are easier to arrange thereby making the threesome more accessible. Another reason a two male threesome is about sharing and seeing their partner happy.

    Another issue is you equate threesome with menage a trios. They are not exactly the same thing. A threesome, full swap or soft-swinging, tends to be short-term and the focus is about please instead of forming emotional bonds. Whereas a menage a trios, is akin to a long-term polyamorous relationship involving three people who are equals in the relationship. This means a menage a trios is, in essence, an open relationship that involves a third person as an equal.

    Third issue I have is your misleading statement that having a threesome can hinder your relationship. I have been married over 20 years and we have had our threesomes with no ill-effect. Furthermore I know other couples that have had threesomes that have not had problems and statistically about 25% of couples married more than 10 years have had at least one threesome. 25% is nearly double of the general population that has had a threesome and suggest for some couples in long-term relationships having a threesome might be beneficial.

    Fourth, you state having a two woman threesome she will always “be there.” I struggle to understand what you mean and it seems to suggest that having a threesome means a couple will never be able to get beyond it? From my experience most couples if they have a loving and trusting relationship built on communication are able to get through having a threesome.

    Fifth, you suggest not doing it in the bedroom and going to a hotel. This could, in some jurisdiction, be considered prostitution especially if the couple pays for the hotel room for the invited third person. Also the cost of a hotel can be a stretch for some couples and if the couple is comfortable hosting at their home then there is no reason why they should not.

    Sixth, your advice about threesome happening only among friends, acquaintances, or strangers is potentially dangerous, especially the latter two. From experience there is nothing wrong with a couple having a threesome. If done right, it can be an intensely erotic experience that both will remember.

    With that said, I do not believe every couple should have a threesome due to the potential risks involved. However couples that have been together for a few years, are very good communicators and have a relationship built on trust, I feel have the foundation for discussing if a threesome is appropriate for them. Should they decide it is, then they will have the foundation for a threesome that can be enjoyable for them. Therefore I would not discourage a couple from having a threesome but would caution them about the potential risk including risk to their relationship.

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    • Thank you for your comment. I think it’s great you and your partner have a great, open sexual relationship. However, it’s not something everyone is comfortable with. As you said (and I said), it’s not for everyone. I was answering a specific question from someone who I think isn’t ready, or willing, to take that jump. Thanks for reading!

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  7. I scrolled through the previous comments and I do think they all bring some valid points to the discussion. I think there are people who don’t have the best or most positive experience when it comes to engaging in a threesome.

    Talk about it. In my experience it was something we talked about for a year and I still had my reservations. That being said it is reassuring to see that it can work. Not necessarily for everyone but that’s just how it goes.

    XO

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  8. Hello Div! I think you handled this perfectly; I agree, the lady in question doesn’t seem at all keen and I don’t think this is a fantasy that she can easily participate in just to make her man happy. Dress up, role play, new positions and locations – sure! But a threesome, I dunno, it’s different huh? I think you and many of your commentors are right – she needs to talk this through with her man more, ask him (because it is relevant) how he’d feel if it were her, him and another guy. And he must be honest about his want, is it just a fantasy that can happily remain so or an overwhelming urge he feels he must have. If the latter is true, problem! But if he can respect her concerns, then I say open the discussion on other fantasys and focus on the ones you’re both keen to try. I can only speak from mine and Hubbys experience, but I do think ours is fairly common. We both have this fantasy, but for me it’s him, another guy and me, while he fantasises of me, him and (you guessed it) another girl. Both of us fantasise that the other male or female would be hot …. it’s not long before we can also imagine the jealously involved in trying it to fulfil the others ideal. So it remains limited to our fantasies and porn 🙂 But, it is only one of many fantasies we have and others we CAN act out or participate in and both enjoy! Great post, I think you handled the question sympathetic to the girl who was asking. Awesome stuff!

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  9. I would recommend you don’t do this unless you are ready. My boyfriend asked me to have a threesome and I was not ready and I only did it to pleasure him. This was a few months ago and I regret it. I hated it so much but I went along with it to please him. My jealousy got way out of control and I went to bed crying that night. Just please don’t do it if your not 100000% sure it’s what YOU want… My boyfriend has moved past it but it still haunts me every single day. And I can’t tell him how I feel because I am too afraid of what he might say. It has emotionally scarred me and I will never forget it and I would do anything to go back and redo that decision. Just please make sure it’s what you want.

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  10. My boyfriend wants to have a threesome and I feel awful about it. I love him with all my heart, but I’m beginning to think he should be in a polyamorous relationship. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re not enough for the man you love. His desire to explore sexually outside our relationship has taken a toll on my self esteem. I never thought I’d morph into this ridiculously insecure woman. Kinda makes me mad at myself for allowing this to have such a negative impact on my heart and soul. I want to make him happy, but I’m scarred just thinking about it, and it hasn’t even happened yet. I don’t want to break up with him, but I don’t want to disappoint him and feel simultaneously inadequate. I wish I didn’t love him so much. I fear we’re just not compatible.

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    • I’m feeling the exact same way sweetheart. You want to be with him because of your love for him but the concept of a threesome is too much for your heart to bear. I have tried fantasizing about different types of threesomes and shared sex acts and every time imagining my bf having sex with a girl and enjoying it more than me, makes me want to rip some hair out. I won’t of course but it hurts. Why is it I can feel so bad when my bf would just let a guy do stuff with me? I need some help on the subject too.

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  11. What I want to know is if guys REALLY think about the ramifications of requesting a threesome and following through with it especially if they are in a relationship? I am a woman and entertain the thought every now and then. I am in a commited relationship and I have been hinted to by my boyfriend about having a threesome. It sounds fun, but I know my jealousy would get the best of me and it most likely would end in me feeling insecure and over analyzing EVERY move my guy made around the other girl. I know for a fact that my guy wouldn’t do it with another guy. I am not sure for what reasons.. But I do think It is a little unfair and selfish to request a threesome with another woman but not allow another man..

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  12. I have only been seeing my boyfriend for 2 months and although he has always talked about 3somes from day 1, last night he tried to act upon it. I have to say I was intrigued but the girl was so very young and so very drunk that I almost felt I had to protect her by not going ahead. I am also not 100% sure how I feel about this. He has been open about his sexual needs(incl. group sex, which I am not up for), and I appreciate his openness, but at the same time I am left wondering whether to just run and not look back! We have a great connection and amazing sex but I feel like I need monogamy. Is it too much to expect a deep, loving, committed yet sexually satisfying relationship these days??

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  13. After many many conversations my boyfriend (47) and I (48) decided to take the leap and have a FMF threesome. I am completely heterosexual, but was not opposed to trying something new. We have been to gentlemen’s clubs together and when the women pay attention to me he is just bursting at the seams, and to turn him on I have had many a lap dance with him watching..we go home and have amazing sex. We also have amazing sex without that tease. I think that’s really a major point, our relationship and sex are both awesome without the added treats. Together almost three years.

    So we found a female escort (no one we would ever encounter again). I got to pick who and that helps with not feeling insecure. I did all the contact with her and set the ground rules, no kissing between them was my biggest rule and protection, of course.

    It was amazing, I didn’t realize how my watching him with her would turn me on and it really did. Of course, my being with her turned him on (no surprise) and well suffice to say the evening was amazing. I was not turned on by being with her, I do not feel the need to be with another woman, but what it did to him to watch us was amazing and no harm no foul for me.

    The next day I made sure we made love to each other, to differentiate between the sex we had the night before and the making love only we share.

    We still refer to the episode during our love making to remind each other what we each enjoyed…the only thing we would do different next time is maybe some home video to replay and watch together.

    We have talked about doing it again, not necessarily with the same woman, and not often. Just as a special treat.

    Hope this helps other readers realize this can work and is not taboo if you have a very strong relationship and agree to the rules.

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  14. Firstly threesomes can be great in a very solid open relationship. MMF FFM whatever your flavor, with two open minded individuals there is no harm in this kind of activity.

    That said however, alarm bells ladies, if your relationship is on the rocks usually this kind of request could be a sign that someone is thinking the end is near. They are either looking to see what fantasy they can act out before the end or are really clutching at straws to spice things up.

    In any case, if your partner asks you for a threesome, the guy asking for two ladies or the lady asking for two guys. A good response is “Hmm well maybe, do I get it the other way around too?”.

    Great experiences are there to be had, just evaluate your situation first.

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