Ask Single Dating Diva: Masturbating While You’re in a Relationship

Recently, I answered a question about sexual compatibility.  It generated a lot of talk and controversy.  No one argued the fact that sexual compatibility was important in a relationship, but how you get there differs.  Some people think that the sparks and chemistry have to be there right away while others think that as long as you have the foundation of a good relationship you can work on making sex the spectacular thing it should be.  So what happens when you have a great relationship but the sex is “meh” … is masturbation the answer? Here’s what one reader wrote.

Dear Single Dating Diva,

Masturbating While You're in a RelationshipI’m wondering if masturbating while dating is OK.  I haven’t told my boyfriend that I do. When we have sex, I don’t feel satisfied as he is not “well-endowed”. He is a really nice person and we’re good in other ways, just not that.  Do you have any ideas on how I could tell him that he isn’t satisfying me in the bedroom without sounding harsh or shallow? What should I do? 

Sincerely,

Can’t Get No Satisfaction

Masturbating While You’re in a Relationship

Dear Can’t Get No Satisfaction,

There is nothing wrong with masturbating while you’re in a relationship. However, it is wrong if it is not something you can share with your partner.  Remember being open and honest in a relationship is extremely important.  If your partner is unable to satisfy you sexually then you need to work together to find a solution while being sensitive to his “manhood”. There are many ways to do this without sounding harsh or shallow. You don’t have to tell him you’re not being satisfied, you Ask-Single-Dating-Divajust have to give him positive verbal cues.  For example, if he is doing something that feels good tell him and then next time remind him.  Say something like, “ooh I like when you do this” or “oh I really liked it when you did that do it again”.  You can also incorporate masturbation and toys into your lovemaking in order to make it more pleasurable for you and it will definitely be pleasurable for him as well.

The same rules apply for incorporating masturbation and sex toys … maybe surprise him one day and start without him and then invite him to join in.  You can even have phone sex one day and masturbate on the phone with him and then he will get used to the idea of you doing that.  Incorporating new things during sex is all about experimentation.  If you tell him that something makes you feel good and he’s part of what’s making you feel good then it’s a win-win situation.  Never ever refer to his inadequacy.  Always make incorporating these new things as just that “trying something new”.  Don’t make it about what was wrong, make it about feeling good together.

I hope this helps!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Copyright Single Dating Diva

24 comments

  1. Excellent answer Suzie. I marvel at times when people just do not know how to communicate their needs – both in a relationship and sexually. Interesting how the writer had to make the comment about her partner not being “well endowed”….. like that is the only part of the body that makes for a great sexual experience.

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    • Thanks Dan. Well that part is a significant part for some, depends on how they get pleasure. Everyone’s body is different. Communication is key, you’re right and sometimes you just need to get the courage to say what you like and don’t like.

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      • Yes Suzie….. As in everyday life, sometimes (maybe even more) people do not want to hear your comments on how things can be better, so, many people just keep quiet. So…many people have very vanilla sex. I met one lady that pretty much just laid on the bed, waiting for me to get the “act” over with. Guess she thought all guys just wanted to “do it”, and have her just lay there as a sexual vessel – Sad. I had to think, wow, what kind of relationship was she in before….. and what was the guys idea of sex…… Both I’m sure performing a very mechanical act. Sex should a pleasure for both parties…. and not centered totally around the plumbing part of the act…… Also…the Time spent before and after sex should be pleasurable and FUN.

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  2. Interesting question and great response Suzie!

    I have got to say that if you don’t have sexual chemistry, then you don’t have what it takes to have a long-lasting relationship. Sex is not everything…but if it’s bad, then that will inevitably be the straw that broke the camel’s back.

    Let’s get real for a moment. I consider myself pretty good in the sack, but I am aware that when it comes to sex, women rarely have orgasms from penetration on a physical level….it has to come from a psychological level. You have to do certain things, like whispering dirty things in her ear, groan loud, lightly bite her, keep eye contact. This at least for me anyway has been the only way I can make a woman orgasm through sex alone and trust me, it has nothing to do with how well-endowed you are.

    Also, if you’re in a healthy relationship, you should encourage masturbation because that’s a good thing. When I’m in a relationship, I encourage my lady to not go for her battery-operated toy and to try to pleasure herself hands on. I think hands on is the only way, a woman knows what she likes and how she likes it.

    However, if you’re masturbating because a man is not satisfying you in the sack….move on. Don’t waste your money on sex toys. It will make him feel more uncomfortable and inadequate. Life is too short to have bad sex.

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    • Thanks Jimmy! Thanks for the tips!! I totally believe sex can be worked on, not everyone’s a pro in the sack and with a willingness to make it better it can become something GREAT. If after trying it doesn’t get better then perhaps moving on is the solution if there is nothing else worth salvaging. This person was happy and satisfied in her relationship even without the good sex, so this will only take it to the next level.

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      • Making it better, Suzie, also involves doing your homework. Many times I have told people to just go to a Barnes and Noble bookstore to do that research 🙂 Just pick up a sex or relationship book and sit down and read. But I guess lots of people think all that “sex and relationship” stuff should come naturally. Of course now with the Internet…….

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  3. I think that your response was a good one. She definitely doesn’t need to hide anything from him. That would only devastate him more to find out she’s been seeking pleasure behind his back. It could also lead to suspicion of infidelity. I hope things work out for her since she likes him in every other way.

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      • Of course Daniel, the advice goes both ways. Either for men or women, as long as the masturbation didn’t get in the way of a healthy sexual relationship together, then there shouldn’t be a problem, at least in my opinion.

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    • Ha ha … Guys jerking off…. So I guess ladies cannot jerk off. Us guys are so lucky…. we can choke the chicken or spank the monkey, or do it by many names 🙂

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  4. I think it all depends on the reason a person feels they have to please themselves. If it’s because “she can’t get no satisfaction” then this should be discussed with her mate so he can work to improve. Communication is key. I always say….. we never know what a person has gone through in life and what’s on their mind many times unless we ask. What if something traumatic happened to him sexually as a youngster? This needs to be known. If you’re just doing it for added pleasure then go for it, it’s your body!! LOL Nice post. Thanks

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