Ask Single Dating Diva: How Important is Sexual Compatibility?

When I asked my readers to send me their questions I got many different ones, as I’ve mentioned before, the number one question I always get is “can my booty call turn into a relationship?“.  Another common theme is all about sexual compatibility. That’s something people always wonder about.  As one reader asked, is sexual compatibility REALLY that important? Read on …

sexual compatibilityDear Single Dating Diva,

I met the woman of my dreams recently.  She has absolutely everything I could hope for.  She is gorgeous, sexy, intelligent, fun to be with and she really gets me.  We have a great connection, well, almost perfect.  The problem is that we are great in every aspect BUT sex.  Our sexual compatibility is terrible.  Even when we kiss it’s awkward.  How could we be perfect in every other way but not in that? It leaves me wondering if it really does matter.  Does it?


Sexually Frustrated

How Important is Sexual Compatibility?

Dear Sexually Frustrated,

Thank you for your question.  I can see why you’re frustrated and, frankly, confused about your relationship.  I understand how hard it is to find someone who meets our needs in every way and when you find it you want everything to fall into place naturally.  Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case.  There’s always something we need to work on in a relationship.  No relationship is perfect.  Every single relationship takes WORK in one way or another and that’s completely NORMAL and OK.  Does sexual compatibility matter? Of course it does.  Should it always come naturally? Not necessarily.

Sexual Compatibility Within the Incompatibility

Ask-Single-Dating-DivaSexuality is very personal.  Each person likes what they like and have different limits as well as expectations when it comes to sex.  One person might want it more than the other or at different times.  That doesn’t mean two people who like different things can’t be sexually compatible.  Perfect fits don’t exist.  Celebrate the differences, explore, use them to your advantage.  Talking about it and expressing your desires will only make you closer.  Two people who really want to be together and make it work will find this enhances their relationship in every way.

Take it slow and make deliberate moves, especially when kissing.  Go back to basics and dim the lights, light a candle, put on some sexy music and make out.  Just make out.  No sex.  Just make out like you did in high school.  This is a great way to create desire and sensuality.  Then the next time use making out as your starting point and explore each other’s bodies, no sex, just exploring.  Touch and kiss them all over, encourage them to do the same to you.  Then eventually have sex.  You’ll find that it will be much better.  Try different positions to see what works for you both.  At every level make sure to give your partner verbal queues if you like or dislike something … say “I like that”, “I don’t like that”, “do this” … encourage them to say the same.  You’ll find that in no time you will discover what works for the two of you.

So step 1 is MAKE OUT, step 2 is EXPLORE and step 3 SEX … take your time and you’ll see how great it could be.  Just have patience.

If all else fails remember that PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT!! So don’t be discouraged and don’t give up a good thing just because it needs a little work.  No two sexual partners will be the same, it’s all about finding what works for the both of you.

What do you think? Do you think sexual compatibility is important? I would love to hear about it in the comments!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Copyright Single Dating Diva


  1. I think it’s essential to be sexually compatible in a long term relationship and if you’re not compatible at the start when you want to please each other so much and are ready to sweep differences under the carpet, it doesn’t auger well for when you’ve been together 10 years and kids, boredom or life get in the way.

    On the other hand, I agree with you that you can’t judge compatibility by a few initial bad sessions in bed. It can take a while to find what works for the two of you and I like the process you outline for discovering that.

    It’s more of a compatibility problem if one of you wants sex three times a day and the other three times a year, or if one partner enjoys wild kinky sex and swinging from the chandelier and the other is strictly lights off, missionary position type of lover. That can be tricky to reconcile long term.


  2. I think it is very important to be compatible in bed – but that doesn’t mean it can happen just naturally. I think it is important to have open communication and what your desires, needs or even what you want to explore. The best way is to learn about each other and not just when you are having sex. Talk on the couch, while you are cuddling. Maybe let one person explore the other and see what they and then switch. But don’t be afraid to say if something is not working for you, you don’t like, what you like and what makes you purr. Just remember to always talk.


  3. There has to be a real connection for intimacy to be a success. That’s just the way it is in my opinion! If my mind is somewhere else or he’s not doing it right, it won’t be a deal breaker but it can cause an uneasy feeling on both sides. This is something that should be discussed with an open mind, If you don’t really like the person, then the sex is bad as well, this may cause problems as well. To me it’s important long term but the bigger picture… not a complete deal breaker because everyone can’t be perfect! (My Opinion)


  4. Couldn’t agree more Suzie! Sometimes we just need to take our time and get to know the other person in all ways. We all learn about sex in different ways and thinking that it is always going to be instant is completely unrealistic.


  5. I wasn’t sexually compatible with my ex husband and it was a huge part of why we divorced. Sexuality is a way to connect emotionally. Now, I know not to underestimate sexual compatibility — you can work on meeting partway and compromising, but ultimately, this time, I will be honest with myself if it’s just not right.


  6. I’m tempted to say that sexual compatibility is the MOST IMPORTANT thing. Though I guess it depends on how important sex is for both people in the couple. I’ve always felt that you can tweak the little things with open communication, but if there’s no initial core of compatibility, no amount of “softer” “faster” “kiss me there” is going to help.
    I hope I’m wrong! I would love to hear whether following the Dating Diva’s advice has helped in this case.


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