When I first started looking for love, I often heard a lot of dating advice that made me feel uncomfortable. I always heard that “nice guys finish last” and that in order to be attractive you needed to act like a “douche” or an “asshole”. Supposedly, women secretly love men who mistreat them even if they tell you otherwise. To get her attention, you should “neg” her by giving her an insult disguised as a compliment. And then after the first date, you should wait…um, how long was it…three days before you call her? That way she won’t think you’re needy and she’ll start to miss you. Or something like that.
Do Women Really Prefer to Date Jerks?
Self-proclaimed “nice guys” tend not to actually be nice
You might hear men complain “I’m a nice guy but women don’t like me because they prefer to date jerks.” The reality is that self-proclaimed nice guys tend to not actually be very nice. Nobody thinks that they’re not a nice person. If you were to ask 10 random people on the street whether or not they considered themselves nice, they would all probably say yes. However, someone who is genuinely nice doesn’t need to go around telling people that. If someone calls themselves “nice” then you ought to take that with a grain of salt.
What’s does it really mean when someone proclaims that they are nice? They’re really saying that they believe themselves entitled to a woman. They see themselves as heroes and think that life is like a video game, where if you do a certain set of actions then you will always get a certain result. They think that if they pander to her every whim then eventually she should give herself to him and that he deserves to have her as a reward. And then if she doesn’t, then he complains that he’s in the “friend zone” and that women prefer to date jerks. Because he’s a nice guy. Or, at least he thinks he is.
She might not be looking for anything long-term
If you’re looking for a relationship, you probably have some qualities that you hope to find in your ideal match. Maybe you’re hoping that she would be intelligent, have a willingness to help and support, be respectful and validating, have deep emotional intimacy, etc. Those are all great qualities for someone that you’re hoping to be in a long-term relationship with. On the other hand, how much of that matters if you’re just looking for someone to have a one-night stand with or a casual fling? None of it! It wouldn’t matter whether or not she can connect with you emotionally or be willing to support you. It doesn’t matter how kind or sensual she is. Really, all that matters is whether or not both the two of you feel like doing it with each other.
Flip the gender roles and you’ll find the same applies to women. If she’s just looking for a hookup or short term fling then it doesn’t matter how kind he is or how well he connects with her emotionally. However, if she’s looking for someone who’s boyfriend-material or husband-material then those same characteristics are probably going to be important to her.
She might have issues
Finally, there actually are some women who prefer to date assholes. A female friend of mine whom we’ll call Rebecca is one of those people. Rebecca has been single for a long time but she would like to find a boyfriend. However, she mostly goes out with jerks or “bad boys” who end up treating her poorly. Why?
As the saying goes, “water seeks its own level.” Even though I respect Rebecca as a friend, I have to say that she’s one of the most self-centered people I know. The people she surrounds herself with reflect her own personality flaws and the men that Rebecca goes out with tend to be as self-centered as she is. Put two self-centered people together and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.
Some women do seem to prefer dating jerks. Maybe she enjoys having drama in her relationships. Maybe she believes that she can make him change. Or, maybe she’s watched too many romantic comedies and she believes that’s how relationships actually work. If she does enjoy dating jerks then she’s not coming from a place of feeling whole or grounded within. Women who truly love and respect themselves won’t put up with men who don’t treat them well.
Do women really prefer to date jerks? Of course not!
Steven Zawila is an introvert, bookworm, and self-proclaimed master of being silly. He runs the blog www.charmingintrovert.com which provides authentic dating advice to introverted men about where to meet women, what to say to her, and how to be confident around her. Steve is a gentle soul who believes that there can always be more love in the world and he hopes to help that happen through his own website.
Great article, Steven! I’m currently writing a book on this very subject.
The truth is, many women do tend to gravitate towards jerks and bad boys, for various reasons. However, we can pinpoint these reasons and understand the root issue. There’s a lot going on behind the scenes as to why nice guys seem to finish last.
Women like confidence and personality. Many gorgeous women are hit on only by men who don’t care if their advances are rebuffed (so-called jerks). And, most of these women often wind-up in marriages that fell into their lap and now they’re utterly disappointed in divorce court. Here is my suggestions to all men, “See what you can get away with, every day, with women.” You’ll be surprised by how many women you can get with this mind-set.
Thank you for pointing out most nice guys aren’t. I’ve dated a few guys who called themselves nice guys but they were jerks, not to mention usually very unattractive. They would complain they couldn’t find anyone decent but they weren’t decent. They would do things like buy me presents that I didn’t ask for, then complain I didn’t want to date them. Sure, some women want jerks but most want guys who are nice and don’t expect anything in return.
Nope I don’t prefer dating jerks. It’s a great turn off.
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