There aren’t many things more difficult than starting over after a divorce. Just when you think you have your life in order it gets turned upside down. Something my experience has taught me is to just go with the flow … in other words, live in the right now. What does that mean exactly? Well it means that you need to leave the past behind you and not worry about the future. Not as easy as it sounds, I know. Personally, I tend to like to be in control of my life, what happens to me and how it happens to me. My divorce definitely challenged me, challenged my life views and taught me that I couldn’t be in control of everything, particularly things that happen. What I can, however be in control of is my reaction to them. How we react to situations will always dictate how positive or negative the outcome will be.
Living in the Right Now – Dating After Divorce
How does this relate to dating? Well, dating after divorce is a totally different experience. I learned that the hard way. Getting back into the dating world in your thirties is quite the challenge. The types of people that are available are significantly different than when you are in your twenties. My biggest fear was whether or not I would ever find someone again. I had thought I didn’t have to worry about this part of my life anymore when I got married. Isn’t marriage supposed to be forever? I guess you never know, right. I kept thinking “who would want me?” and “what would I have to offer?”. My divorce left me feeling unattractive and worthless. I quickly realized I needed to regain my confidence in myself and work on me before even thinking of being in another relationship. To be completely honest, the thought of being in another serious relationship scared me to death, it still does, even a year later.
Living in the right now … such an important concept. I was so caught up with what had happened to me and what I was going to do with my life going forward that I almost forgot that I needed to live. It was really causing me much grief. I was rushing into interactions with men that perhaps were not the best for me, you know the type, mr. right now … definitely NOT mr. right. They served their purpose, particularly in the “my self confidence” category. But they also helped me realize that I didn’t need to think of the future at that instance, I needed to enjoy the moment. I was free of my bad marriage. I had my own house. I had a car. I had a decent job. I had a great group of family and friends who were loving and supportive. As I started to let go of my fears and anxiety, I started healing and feeling better about me and my life. The freer I was the more opportunities came my way. The more my dating life came into fruition.
I gave up the notion of finding my future husband. I wanted to experience dating, to spend time with someone. Perhaps it wasn’t forever, but it was good at the time. I remembered all too quickly that I got into my bad marriage because I was looking for a husband and grabbed the first one who proposed. It was a different time and a different place. I didn’t get to know the real him, or the real me for that matter. So I decided that I would not think of marriage when meeting someone, I would think of enjoying the moment, living in the right now. If it moved forward then it did, if it didn’t then it was a good experience while it lasted. Learn from it and move on. I wanted to be true to me.
I still haven’t found mr. right, but I am definitely having fun along the way! Do I stumble back to my old habits of worrying, sometimes, but I have learned to pick myself up and keep moving. It is a process, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, but I plan on enjoying every step! I am also enjoying telling everyone about my dating experiences. I look forward to sharing these with you and discussing what it really is like to date after divorce!
Stirring the Dating Sauce,
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
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