So you’re out of your relationship and out on the dating scene. If your marriage experience was anything like mine, you left it feeling like you are “untouchable” and “unattractive”. So, naturally, the first chance you get at feeling anything more, you pounce on it. The last couple years of my marriage were quite brutal. Physical intimacy was gone, I didn’t remember when the last time I heard a compliment was … and I had gained weight. Not a good recipe for self-confidence. As you would expect, I was quite gun shy when it came to dating. I didn’t think I had anything to offer. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much your family and friends tell you that you are attractive and a gem, you need to feel attractive to those you want to be with. You are vulnerable and needy. Every single person has been there. No doubt about it.
So along comes someone who thinks you’re hot. Who me? You ask. They just want to devour you. They do everything in their power just to have you. Wow, you think … where have you been all my life? This happened to me. I was so low on myself that any type of attention, even if it was a little bit sketchy, was welcome. I didn’t realize how low I felt until someone was there to lift me up. I didn’t immediately think of it as a rebound, all I knew is that I needed this attention at that point. My rebound came in the form of my ex-boyfriend from my early twenties. We loved each other very much at the time, but our lives took different paths and we broke up. It just happened that when my marriage fell apart, here was my ex back in my life to lift me up. We didn’t immediately get back together. I wanted to wait until things were definitely over with my husband before I moved forward with anything else. But my ex was there to support me and lend a listening ear and a hug. He was also there to help me gain my confidence, reminding me of who I really was and that I was attractive. I had lost myself in my marriage, lost my light. Here was my ex to re-ignite my fire, so to speak. Things progressed quite quickly, but he realized, even before me what this was, it was nothing but a rebound relationship. Although we still loved each other, and always will, the things that drove us apart initially were still present. Nothing had changed.
I was lucky that my rebound was not as emotionally devastating as it could have been. But it got me thinking, are rebound relationships therapeutic or detrimental to a vulnerable person? A rebound relationship is one that happens immediately after a breakup of another relationship, most likely a serious one. The risk is that not enough healing time is taken after the painful breakup to make a sound decision about your next relationship. It’s a decision made for all the wrong reasons. What your previous relationship was lacking this new rebound relationship provides. But isn’t that a good thing you ask. Perhaps, but you are not looking at things clearly, not seeing the big picture. Sometimes these rebound relationships are also a way of revenge against your ex. So let’s go back to our original question, are they a positive thing? I guess if you take them for what they are and not get emotionally attached, then it’s fine. However, if you get emotionally attached it could set you back further than when you started.
It’s not healthy for you or the person you are rebounding with. Either one could get attached and get hurt. Essentially, it is important not to get into a relationship with anyone until you have healed emotionally and have a clear view of what you want in a mate. However, a few studies have shown that for some people these relationships do help a person detach from a previous relationship and are healthy. Research demonstrated that focusing on someone new may help anxiously attached individuals overcome attachment to an ex. However, it’s a slippery slope and you have to be careful and call it what it is – a rebound relationship. I personally have not been in a serious relationship since divorcing a year ago. I wanted to take this time to explore myself and explore my options. I wanted to see what was out there and what I wanted from a mate. I didn’t want to rush into things. I wanted to be true to myself. I made the mistake of rebounding too early, but I recovered quickly and have been dating ever since. It has been one of the most eye opening experiences in my life. It’s important to take every experience and grow from it as a person. That is what I’m doing and I look forward to sharing with you what I have learned along the way!
Stirring the Dating Sauce,
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
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