Ask Single Dating Diva: Shit or Get Off The Pot

Sound familiar? What does it mean? It means hurry up and make a decision already! In the context of relationships and dating this could mean a lot of things, particularly when it comes to commitment.  In this weeks “Ask Single Dating Diva” I discuss this very thing – a couple who has been breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, getting back together, engaged, not engaged, engaged again.  So what’s the problem?

shit or get off the potDear Single Dating Diva,

My “fiance” and I have been seeing each other for many years.  We have a pretty solid relationship but things get stagnant sometimes or we fight over something one of us did and we break up only to get back together.  We got engaged along the way but never got around to actually planning a wedding or getting married.  Recently, we are trying again.  There’s a lot of history and love there, but not all of it good.  I’m finding myself wondering if it really is worth trying again.

Sincerely,

Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed and Confused,

That is quite the dilemma! I am not one for second chances and believe that if a relationship ends for a reason then that reason never really goes away, it’s still there, it might hide for a little while, but, it will always be there.  I also believe that people rarely change so you usually end up with the same problems you started out with time and again (and in your case again and again and again).  So, back to your question.  You say you have a “pretty solid relationship but things get stagnant sometimes or we fight over something one of did and we break up”.  Good relationships are built on a strong, solid foundation.  What does that mean, it means that regardless of what earthquakes you encounter, the relationship shouldn’t break.  What concerns me about your situation is all the “on-again, off-again”.  In a solid relationship you work things through and keep moving, you don’t break up.  You are correct to wonder if it’s worth trying again.  That, really, is for you to decide.  In my personal opinion it seems that it might be a better idea to explore other options rather than to keep beating a dead horse.  You haven’t mentioned, but I suspect, that it’s the same issues that keep creeping up each time you break up.  It usually is and I can assure you it will always be there, it might manifest itself in different ways, but it will always be there.  But you knew that already.

shit or get off the potIf you decide to stick it out one more time, then, it’s important to truly build a real solid relationship built on a solid foundation.  In order to do that you need to deal with the reasons you keep breaking up.  Here is a great article about how to create a strong, intimate relationship.  It lists the following 10 ways …

  1. Use relationships to teach you how to be whole within.  1+1 = 2, not 1.  It’s not about your partner completing you, it’s about both of you coming to the relationship as whole people who share their lives.
  2. See your partner for who he or she really is. Take off those rose colored glasses and be wary of the romantic notions you create for yourself.  Be realistic.
  3. Be willing to learn from each other. Your partner should provide you with growth and give you opportunities to learn and become a better person.
  4. Get comfortable being alone. If you can’t be happy alone you can’t be happy with a partner.  Don’t rely on someone else to give you the fulfillment you desire.  Be fulfilled on your own and you’ll make a better partner.
  5. Look closely at why a fight may begin. You know what the warning signs are so stop it before it starts.  Don’t get caught up in the euphoria of making up that you end up in the same place you started.
  6. Own who you are.  This is all about being true to yourself and being happy there.  Again, don’t look for what’s missing in yourself from someone else.
  7. Embrace ordinariness.  Relationships can’t always have the “honeymoon stage”.  What happens sometimes is that we enter into a routine and forget what made that relationship special to begin with.  Keep the spark going while living your day to day normality.
  8. Expand your heart. Know all the love and great things you have to offer and give them to your partner. Knowing your self worth will make you a more giving and loving partner.
  9. Focus on giving love.  This means being unselfish with your affections.  It’s not about only getting it’s about giving.  Sometimes your partner needs a little extra and sometimes you do.  Be there for each other.
  10. Ask-Single-Dating-DivaLet go of expectations.  A relationship shouldn’t fill a void inside you and you shouldn’t expect it to.  Coming to your partner whole will ensure that things run much more smoothly.  Don’t assume anything and don’t expect.

Essentially, what I’m saying is you both need to decide one way or another whether you want to be together once and for all or to end it forever.  If you want to stay together you will BOTH need to put in the hard work and effort required to truly build a solid relationship.  To put it bluntly shit or get off the pot.  Plain. Simple.

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Copyright Single Dating Diva

What do you think readers? Do you agree? What advice would you give? Have you been in this situation before? What did you do?  Would love your comments!

12 thoughts on “Ask Single Dating Diva: Shit or Get Off The Pot

  1. My mirror image!!! However, I ended up marrying him. After 11 years of on again off again, engaged, not engaged, we got pregnant, married and divorced in 2.
    RUN!
    It has been now almost 16 years in each others lives, even after separated for 3, issues are still there. Things are better, but more importantly. I am better.
    You know this man. You know him better than he knows himself . He will not change. You are not likely to change much, not together.
    Let each other go. Find yourselves, grow and be who you want to be. Quit focusing on who you want the two of you to be. You are not “that couple” that you have in your mind.
    I thought I could change this man. I thought he just needed to grow up, mature.
    We were both stuck, that is the problem.
    Maya Angelou says, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them!”
    Truer words have never been spoken!
    In our case, he shit and I got off the pot! Never looked back and never been happier 🙂
    S

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    • Thanks so much for sharing your story Sabrina!! You’re right, but sometimes we just need to go through the motions before we really see the reality. You tried but it takes two to make a relationship work.

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  2. You can’t put spoiled milk back in the fridge! Excellent advice, Diva…

    I love your points about building a solid relationship. You absolutely MUST come to it as a whole person… you are responsible for your own happiness, and no matter how Hollywood tends to romanticize it, you simply cannot save someone from themselves.

    Dazed and Confused needs to do some soul searching and do an honest self-appraisal. Shit or get off the pot, indeed!

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  3. Pingback: Ask Single Dating Diva: I Feel Guilty Breaking Up With Her | Single Dating Diva

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