Spilling the Beans Too Soon – The Overshare

We’ve all been there … on a date with someone new and we open our mouths and it ALL comes out, and by all I mean EVERYTHING … it’s like you’re out of control. You spill the beans, all of them, the whole jar. What beans are in the jar? Usually your life story, more often than not your past relationships, especially the ones you apparently aren’t really over, your likes, your dislikes, even (gasp) your bodily functions that don’t function so good and anything else you can over-share. Essentially, your baggage is all out for all to see. Then what happens? Well, more often than not you never get that next date. You, my friend, have scared them away. I’ve been there, and, I am very sure you have done it too.

Why We Overshare

overshareIn this social media world, we are bombarded with information, some we want, some we don’t want. But, many of us are compelled to posting every single thing we’re doing and who we’re doing it with online. Privacy is a thing of the past. Reality TV lets you see people’s lives being played out in front of your eyes. This has led people to feel comfortable oversharing. It’s hard to realize that some things should be kept private, or only shared when the time is right. Usually, we overshare because we’re either nervous or we feel a little too comfortable with the person we’re with. I’ve read that “Experts say oversharing often happens when we are trying subconsciously to control our own anxiety. This effort is known as “self regulation” and here is how it works: When having a conversation, we can use up a lot of mental energy trying to manage the other person’s impression of us. We try to look smart, witty and interesting, but the effort required to do this leaves less brain power to filter what we say and to whom.” That makes a lot of sense, I mean I’ve definitely been there, done that, overshared. Even if the person you’re with is oversharing that isn’t a reason to overshare. Control your tongue … why? Well, it’s pretty obvious, just don’t disclose too much too soon. Simple isn’t it? Well, not always. Essentially, you need to decide if this person you’re speaking with needs to know this information or even if it’s going to benefit your interaction in any way. Ask yourself, is the information “need to know”, “nice to know” or “not necessary”? Use your judgment.

Topics To Avoid

Generally, you want to avoid topics that are private. Like what? Well … avoid talking about:

  • past relationships (especially messy ones)
  • family problems
  • personal problems
  • sexual experience and partners
  • health problems (unless it’s essential they know)

Once you get to know each other better, different topics come up naturally as you deal with day to day life, but they don’t need to know this information in the beginning, not only does it make you less desirable, it makes you someone who isn’t an ideal partner. Instead of putting your best foot forward, you’re painting yourself with bad colors. No one wants to take on a special project with problems, they want someone who is starting with a clean slate. Someone who will make their world a better place. Isn’t that what you want too?

The best advice I can give you is that you disclose personal information slowly and make sure it’s reciprocal. That means makes sure there’s a balance. Conversation should always be balanced and include active listening. That makes for a good date, even if things don’t work out, at least you didn’t make a fool of yourself and it was a positive experience. Plain. Simple.

Have you ever over shared and not gotten a call back? I would love to hear about it in the comments!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Copyright Single Dating Diva


  1. I used to work as a nurse, and I have some interesting stories from my time in the ER which in hindsight may not have totally appropriate for a first date!


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