As I always do, I was perusing different articles online and came across one called “5 Tips for Daters Who Want a Relationship” and because I don’t think there’s a “one size fits all” guideline for dating, I clicked on it. What I found was actually quite interesting, so interesting in fact that I had to share these tips with you. I found that these were quite congruent with the stuff I’ve been saying in my articles.
1. Work on Yourself First
I always say “be true to you”. This is always the priority. You can’t date anyone if you’re not ready and that includes getting rid of all your baggage BEFORE starting anything new with anyone else. Don’t do anything if you still have things you’re dealing with. The author recommends testing your attachment style. You can do that by clicking here. They also go on to say that “working on ourselves will also give us inner-peace and confidence; we’ll no longer tolerate the “bad girl” or “bad boy” in our life because their poor treatment won’t resonate with our new and positive self-concept. High self-esteem reduces the attraction to people who treat us poorly. Remember: the way we treat ourselves demonstrates to the world how we expect to be treated, so be kind to yourself. You are worthy of respect.” I definitely agree with that! We teach others how to treat us and we generally enable bad behavior. I know I have done that many times in the past.
2. Find a Similar Partner
I always maintain that the best way to meet a partner is by doing things you love to do. I’ve suggested partaking in activities or lessons in your interests – like sports, cooking or anything else. The author states that “by partaking in activities you enjoy, you will meet like-minded people.” Yup … exactly and isn’t a relationship oh so much easier when you have the same hobbies and interests? What’s interesting is what the author says about dating someone with different interests: “the “opposites attract” expression does not hold for long-term relationships. Partners with dissimilar traits might experience initial intrigue because they compliment one another, but too much dissimilarity is a recipe for disaster. In such cases, the traits that are admired early on become increasingly annoying and lead to the demise of a relationship. ” I have to say they have a point. I married someone who was opposite (I’m an extreme extrovert and he’s an extreme introvert) and that was definitely a recipe for disaster. I liked that he helped me settle down a bit, and he liked that I took him out of his shell, but in the end it was one of the biggest reasons for our demise. So there you go … opposites might attract but they don’t always end up in success.
3. Avoid Early Relationship Pitfalls
Sometimes we self-sabotage without even realizing it. We do too much too soon and fall hard too fast. There’s nothing wrong with slowing it down a little and letting things happen when they are supposed to. This includes having sex too fast. The author had a point when they said that “the amount of time to wait before having sex with a new partner is not based on a set number of dates, but on making sure both partners feel comfortable and secure with each other.” That is definitely true. There’s no steadfast rule about how many dates to wait or whether or not sex is even in the picture, but it’s about being emotionally and mentally ready to deal with what it means to have sex with your new partner. It’s not only about the physical. You might WANT to have sex with them, but it’s not always a great idea. Why does this help turn dating into relationship? Well, they go on to say that “it is best to balance the relationship by building on the friendship and getting to know each other gradually. This process will lead to sounder decision-making and provide the foundation for a long-lasting partnership.” I couldn’t agree more. I’ve said before that friendship, respect, trust and communication are the core of a relationship and all the rest like love and sex and infatuation are the pretty packaging wrapping the core. Everything is important, but you need a strong core in order to sustain a good relationship. Another early pitfall the author mentions is disclosing too much too soon. Leave something to the imagination, they don’t need to know your life story (especially about past relationships), even if they’ve told you theirs. It generally turns people off and scares them away. I know I am guilty of that, I learned my lesson the hard way NOT to do that.
4. Balance Independence with Interdependence
So when you are independent you rely on yourself and when you are interdependent you rely on someone else. In a relationship you need a bit of both. Depending on your personality and your needs these things may vary. It is important that you find someone with compatible needs in these areas. The author maintains that “every person differs in the degree to which they value dependency, so learn what works for you and then talk to your partner to achieve a healthy balance. Remember: interdependence is what leads to commitment so don’t be shy to rely on your partner for some things, and be sure you are meeting his or her needs as well.” This is one that I definitely have problems with. I like my life the way it is and find it hard to fit someone else in and to even ask for help from anyone. I’m learning, but it is quite difficult. You learn to rely on yourself and take care of all your needs so it’s hard to let someone else take over some aspects. It’s a process, but I know with the right person and the right fit that it will be OK.
5. When the time is right, put the relationship’s needs first
Selfishness and pride are the doom of many a relationship. When partners put their own needs above the needs of their partner or the overall good of the relationship then things will go downhill fast. That being said, there’s a time and place for everything. Again here we need a balance. The author says that “if both partners are putting the relationship’s needs first and making decisions based on what will benefit the relationship the most, they should find themselves in a rewarding partnership.” I agree. Work together for the common good. Key word is TOGETHER.
In general, it’s all about finding the right balance between you and your partner. Finding the right person for you is essential. If you are with the right person then things just feel right and fall into place. No relationship is perfect and there will always be conflict, but, it’s how you deal with the conflict and how you emerge that is the defining factor. It takes two to make a relationship work … a commitment from BOTH parties. It takes two to make it work. If you have that, then you’re way ahead of the game!
What do you think? Do you agree with these 5 points?
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
Great points in #3. I have found so many people zoom way too fast in a relationship, possible rush past others that could be a better fit. It seem lots of people latch on to someone and go exclusive with them even after exchanging a few e-mails and meeting once. Guess people cannot just date a few “candidates” to find that special fit.
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