I often get emails from women who are in seemingly “secret” relationships with men. I’ve also been there and I would think many can say the same. These so-called relationships are typically great, ideal in every way, except, well, it’s not public. It’s secret. For one reason or another no one knows about the relationship except maybe a very select few. When I saw a tongue in cheek article about this very thing this week, I decided perhaps it warranted a little more discussion. Especially since I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
Love is a strange thing isn’t it? What we’re willing to put up with for one person we hardly can tolerate with another. But can you help who you fall in love with? No, I don’t believe you can. Can you help what you do with it? Yes, definitely. We have a choice. We have free will. No one is coercing you to stay with someone who doesn’t treat you like you deserve, so why do we do it? We all have our different reasons, it could be ego, it could be love, it could be low self esteem, or maybe they’re everything you ever wanted, your soulmate. But first, how do you know you’re a “secret”? What is it and what is it not? Seems pretty obvious, no? Well, not always.
Are You Their “Dirty Little Secret”?
Well, it should be pretty obvious right? I mean if you’re not in a “public” relationship then you can safely assume you’re his “dirty little secret”, right? Well, it’s a bit more complicated than that. Some people don’t like to share their personal relationships with others until it becomes serious, I’m one of those people. Until there’s something to share, I don’t share. It’s no one’s concern but my own and a select few. But that’s more about discretion than keeping a “dirty little secret”. It also isn’t something mutually secret like an “arrangement” or “friends with benefits”. What’s the difference? Well, a “dirty little secret” is when you basically are there for their pleasure but after an extended period of time you still aren’t in their life in a real way and you want to be. It’s not a “dirty little secret” if you’re both on the same page. So how do you know? Well, ask yourself:
- does he only come see you for sex and emotional support … when HE needs you?
- is he a big talker? do his actions match his words? does he break his promises?
- do you ever go out to public places together where people you know might be or are you always at home or not so public places?
- how does he treat you in public situations? does he avoid you or does he treat you like everyone else?
- are you an important part of his life? do you play a significant role?
- do you only see each other late at night?
- is he always “too busy” to provide you with any real type of attention?
- do his friends and/or family know about you and him?
- does he introduce you as his “friend”?
- do they “sneak away” to come see you?
These are a few questions to ask yourself. If he doesn’t treat you like someone special in his life PUBLICLY then you might just be his “dirty little secret”, sorry to say. But you already knew that didn’t you. I certainly did, but I enabled their bad behavior because there was love there and love conquers all doesn’t it? Ya sure, only in the movies.
A “Secret” Relationship ISN’T Romantic
This isn’t “Romeo and Juliet” people. A secret relationship isn’t romantic. You deserve better than to be someone’s “dirty little secret”. Someone should be proud to be with you. I’m not talking about when you’re first dating and getting to know each other, I’m talking about when you’ve established an ongoing presence in each other’s lives. If months go by and they haven’t made it official and official is what you want, then it’s time to ask some questions. Are they enjoying the best of both worlds? Having their cake and eating it too? THEIR emotional unavailability isn’t YOUR problem.
Although it’s nice to hear that they love you and cherish you, does that really mean anything if they don’t want to share it, and you, with others? Aren’t they proud to be with you or are they ashamed of your relationship? What are they hiding and why? You don’t deserve that. No one deserves that. But I know first hand how hard it is to be in that position with someone you love and have such an incredible connection with. Trust me, I know. It isn’t easy. But at some point you have to let go and be true to yourself. Have some self respect. It’s oh so difficult but oh so necessary. If you’ve stated the desire to be in a public relationship and they don’t give you one then you need to move on to someone who will treat you like you deserve. Rip off that bandage and do it quick. You’ll be happy you did! Plain. Simple.
READERS: Have you been a “dirty little secret” or have you had a “dirty little secret”? Tell us all about it in the comments!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
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