There are so many things to consider when you’re meeting someone new. You have to determine if you’re attracted to them, decipher if you have a connection with them, gauge your overall interest in them … but there’s one thing you can’t tell, not right away at least, you can’t tell if they’re emotionally available. This could be related to, but not exactly the same as, baggage. Being emotionally available is being open and ready to enter into a relationship with someone. Emotional availability can help or hinder a prospective relationship. It’s a component of the glue, if you will, that holds things together. How? Well, let me explain.
Emotional Availability – A Definition
I recently came across this article called How to Spot Emotional Unavailability and the author spoke about the ways you can determine whether or not someone is emotionally unavailable and I completely agree and wanted to share them with you. Do these sound familiar?
- The person is very flattering and is complimenting you all the time which could be a sign that they like the chase and the game rather than stability.
- The person likes to control things at all times, everything needs to revolve around their schedules and them and aren’t willing to compromise.
- The person will send you subtle signs that they aren’t “relationship material” and when someone shows you who they are pay attention and believe them!
- The person has never had a successful long-term relationship and they usually run when things get intense or when intimacy develops.
- The person makes excuses and tries to find something wrong with the person they’re dating in order to have a reason to leave. This is a pattern they have. No one is really exactly what they want or good enough (even if they actually are what they want).
- The person doesn’t tolerate when things don’t go their way.
- The person is arrogant and has a big ego which actually is a sign of insecurity and low self-esteem. As the author stated “it takes confidence to be intimate and committed.”
- The person is inconsistent and usually late, you have to fit into THEIR schedule, not the other way around.
- The person only shares selective information and avoids any attempt to get to know them on a deeper level.
- The person is a master seducer and initiate sexual advances very early and usually will sabotage the relationship if it gets anywhere near real.
Well, this sounds VERY familiar, but it’s not what you think. This sounds a lot like me, well a lot of those points are … oops. Actually, I realized this about me quite recently. But, it also sounds like a lot of the guys I dated (I think I might have chosen them on purpose ;)). It sounds exactly like my dear Mr. R who was the bane of my existence for several years, the blessing that was also a curse. However, since realizing that I was indeed emotionally unavailable and push people away I’ve made a conscious effort to change that. It’s not that I don’t want to meet anyone, but I think that I know what I want and won’t settle for less. I don’t have to be single but I choose to be. I meet and date lots of good quality men, I would be lying if I didn’t say there were a lot of great men out there but it’s not about meeting just anyone, it’s about meeting the right one.
Emotionally Unavailable? Should You Be Dating?
The real question is if you are emotionally unavailable, should you be dating? Well, yes and no. You first have to be honest with yourself. You need to recognize that you are emotionally unavailable. Perhaps it’s not them, it’s YOU. Ask yourself if you’ve made excuses when dating, always finding something wrong with someone. What about in your life as a whole, do you not commit easily? Are you always busy, too busy, for others? Do you self-sabotage your relationships? There’s so many signs, but you know deep inside what’s going on with you. Like I mentioned earlier, I’ve recently realized that I was emotionally unavailable and I know why that is. I rejected a lot of great guys because of this … but I know that I’m looking for a real connection with someone and have only found that once and it was with someone who’s also emotionally unavailable … match made in heaven right? Wrong! Now that I had that I want it again … so I date and seek that ultimate connection.
So should you be dating if you’re emotionally unavailable? Sure, why not, but be honest with yourself and and with the people you date. Don’t lead anyone on or make them think you’re in it for more than it is realistically. I am always honest with the people I date, they can take it or leave it. I’ve also realized that when I meet someone I really want to get to know better I do make myself available for them. I do make an effort. So does that mean that an emotionally available person can change … sure they can for the right person. That’s why you have to try because if you don’t you’ll never know. Emotionally unavailable people need to realize, however, the impact they have on others and their potential to hurt others. That is why being honest with yourself and others is imperative. Meeting the right person is hard enough, don’t make it harder by pretending to be someone you’re not.
Are you emotionally unavailable? Have you dated someone who is emotionally unavailable? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
Oh Mr R makes a reappearance! Excellent.
The best dating advice (you’ve said this for sure) is to take time and become emotionally available! It’s key to move on right?
Of course we’ve all met someone who isn’t!
That is definitely why I am not dating right now is that I know I am not emotionally available and not able to give what I should to that person. Yes I am missing out on things but I would rather not lead anyone on.
I think that the main problem is that most people who are like this don’t realize that they’re the problem. Some of them have no clue that they’re scared to be in a relationship. They sabotage it sometimes without realizing what they’ve done. Afterwards, they’re placing blame on someone else for not being “the one.” Craziness!
I really love this post! You make a great point in addressing whether you should still date if you are emotionally unavailable. I agree with you that it is okay to still date when you are emotionally unavailable as long as you are not leading people on. I also think it’s a good idea to continue dating so that you can pick up on whatever bad habits or attitudes you have developed as a result of your emotional unavailability.
By knowing and understanding your behavior and where it stems from you can work on changing or downplaying them in your future dating. I think it is easy to pick up negative dating habits and attitudes are a result of the bad experiences we have gone through and, unfortunately, some of these bad habits can stick with us long after the heartache is gone. So, we definitely have to be cognizant of ourselves in this respect. Great post, I love your blog! I’m going to reblog this on my blog!
Thanks Dee 🙂 I’m so glad you liked it and thanks for the reblog!
Just because someone is “dating” it doesn’t mean that they’re looking for the same thing as you. Where is it written that thou shall only dating when emotionally healthy? Frpm my dating experiences people are dating for a variety of reasons: boredom, to rebuild self-esteem, to broaden their social circle, to get meals paid for by somebody else, to have their ego flattered, to find out more about the opposite sex, to get over a lost love…and of course, to get laid. In my experience less than half of people who are dating are looking for love.
You make an interesting point. That’s why people should be honest and upfront about their intentions and expectations 🙂
Single Dating Diva, can I ask you a question. I too am emotionally unavailable and have only really connected with one other person who was also emotionally unavailable. We lasted for about 5 years but our relationship never went anywhere and it eventually broke down after a few breaks. It was this relationship that made me realize I was EU and now am working on my emotional issues. You say you are looking for that connection again, does that mean you are looking for someone as unavailable as you or do you now look for someone who is emotionally available and can bring out your availability? What problems did you find in that real connection relationship that you had?
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