Casual sex is quite the hot topic these days. It seems that everyone is doing it and it’s “all good”. The impression out there is that it’s an ideal option for singles while they’re waiting for the one, or, if they don’t want to be in relationships. I mean what’s not to like? Right? You get all the pleasure without all the responsibility. You get to have SEX with someone you find attractive … I mean who doesn’t like to have sex? Seriously, hands up, who doesn’t like sex? Yup, that’s what I thought. Sex is fun, sex is pleasurable, sex is, well, sex. Now, what about those pesky feelings? What if one day your casual sex encounters don’t feel so casual after all? What then? Well, then in that case all the fun and games becomes not so much fun anymore. That’s why I say, casual sex is all fun and games until someone gets hurt.
Casual Sex: All Fun and Games Until Someone Gets a Broken Heart
I still hear more and more from people who are getting emotionally attached to their casual sex partners. I’m starting to feel like a broken record. What am I seeing most? Well, people who are confused about blurred relationship lines with ambiguous “relationships” and casual sex encounters. What’s a girl to do? Well, I’ve written a lot about how someone who can’t handle it shouldn’t have casual sex. What does it mean “not handling it”? It means that if you can’t have sex unemotionally, have it be about the physical act and the act alone, then you shouldn’t be having no strings attached casual sex.
Can your booty call turn into a relationship? Not usually, no. I’m not saying don’t do it, but if you do it then know what you’re getting into. Like with everything else you do in life, you have to weigh the pros and cons of what you’re doing to assess whether it’s the right course of action for you. Casual sex should be no exception to this. So what are the pros and cons of having casual sex? Well, I recently read an article about this very subject. So are there more pros or cons? Well, first you need to know what some of the main motivators for having casual sex are.
Some motivators for having casual sex:
- There are no strings attached – This can be a pro or con, depending how you look at it. Although you say it’s “no strings” there certainly are invisible strings for some people. You have to be careful and clear about intentions and expectations. Emotional attachments DO form and you need to be aware of where you’re at. Know your compass.
- Reduced stress and responsibility that comes with relationships – Not every relationship is a good one, nor are they fulfilling. In a casual sex situation one doesn’t have to think about all the relationship obligations. So I guess this could be pro.
- Exploring sexual fantasies – If you have always wanted to try something (or someone) new, casual sex situations provide you with an opportunity to experiment. This would be a pro.
- No depth necessary – This would be a con if you are someone who needs to develop a connection with someone to have good, fulfilling, sexual encounters. Sometimes once the lust is taken care of, you feel an emptiness inside which brings feelings of regret, sometimes even feelings of being used and loneliness.
- Ego boost – Pro? Con? Let’s face it, it feels good to be desired by others, but that’s not a good reason to have sex with someone. Think of it, some people will say or do anything to get in your pants. Find your ego boost somewhere else and if the casual sex encounter gives you the overflow, then great, but it shouldn’t be the only thing dictating your self confidence or worth.
Well, it really can be a great experience if done right and entered into safely. Whatever you decide to do, just remember that safe sex is being safe physically, mentally and emotionally. Don’t do something you’ll later regret. This should be a given, but when you are having sex with a lot of different people simultaneously you are putting yourself at risk of contracting a disease. Make sure to practice safe sex at all times. I know it’s hard in the heat of the moment, but if you’re sleeping with multiple partners, and, if they are sleeping with multiple partners, then you need to choose health and safety above all else.
So are there more pros or cons to casual sex? Well, that’s really up to you. Knowing what you’re getting into is important. If you do decide that your casual sex encounter is more pro than con, then be prepared to accept the full responsibility of it. Ask yourself, if you never hear from them again are you OK with that? I mean really, honestly OK with that? If you’re not, then don’t do it. Casual sex really is all fun and games until someone gets a broken heart – and, more often than not, sorry to say, someone does get a broken heart. Don’t be that someone.
Readers, what are your thoughts about casual sex? Are there more pros or cons? What should participants in casual sex have to consider before doing it? Are there other motivators for having casual sex? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
Well, I think there are more cons than pros in casual sex. When someone hides from something, such as responsibilities, sooner or later, when it hits, a way or another, it may find you totally unprepared. One cannot run from life to the mama-hotel, ever-highschool, endless-credits, etc. There’s no free lunch. Life isn’t fair and how do we prepare for it if not by accepting some calculated responsibilities. This includes sex.
My take is that the best sex ever comes as a side effect of love… Sure, there are great casual experiences out there. Just great, not perfect. Love is what makes sex perfect.
Thanks so much Doris! Yes, I definitely agree, the cons usually do outweigh the pros. The best sex does indeed come from a place of love, respect and trust. A casual sex environment rarely has those things present.
The reason casual sex is not for me personally is just all the admin involved. Finding casual sex partners that we are actually attracted to is not so easy in practice. That’s a lot of time and effort spent on someone that you might only hook up with one time!
Thanks Genderenvoy! Yes it does seem like a lot of invested time and effort for something that isn’t even a long term investment …
I totes agree. That’s why I usually don’t bother with this type of relationship. Plus I’m old-fashioned enough to believe in love and having a relationship. I recently had “casual sex,” if you want to call it that, with a guy I want to have a relationship with. Now he says he’s not looking for a relationship but that’s not what I was led to believe when we had sex. He first said he was seeking a girlfriend. He’s trying to back off, saying we’re just “business partners,” but he spends a lot of time with me. I believe that actions speak louder than words. Anybody have some advice for me? Please don’t assume that he’s being cruel or at least unkind. He respects me. We get along really well, can almost read each others’ minds and laugh together often. I’m hoping that he’s confused and that eventually he might come around. In the meantime, I don’t want to lose him as a friend because I don’t have many close friends. OK, I suppose y’all are going to tell me I’m incredibly naive and a fool, especially because I’m 51 years old and should’ve never had sex with him in the first place. But he said it was to relieve the sexual tension between us.
Maybe he’s afraid of marriage or scared of falling in a ‘new’ control-trap – for his good reasons. How about you follow your instincts, for a while at least. Give him some credit. If there’s a chemistry between you two: sexual tension, reading each other’s minds, laughing together, then you may find a way together. You can be friends, lovers, life-mates, soul-mates even without papers. But first, you’ll have to learn him by the inside… Time will tell. Play the tango between “girlfriend” and “business partner” for a little while, be humorous about it. Show him that you don’t mind or even try to make him jealous – just a bit. Study his reactions in silence.
PS – A moderate teasing from your part, just playful teasing, won’t do any harm to the chemistry. On the contrary… 🙂
Doris, how insightful of you. He’s been married twice like me and even said to me that he didn’t want to kiss me because that often leads to falling in love. So he’s been burned, I do know that. He could even be saying: “I’m trying to get my financial life back together” as an excuse for not wanting a relationship when what he really fears is a commitment. I let him know that I’m not even asking for that. I just asked him to be honest with me because I value that and I want to remain friends. I truly am not looking for a full-blown relationship, just want to have fun and help him out because he seems to need me. He is very touchy if I act the slightest bit jealous so I’m staying away from that danger as much as possible. I don’t ask him what he does with other people or when he’s away for a weekend. I just listen and take my cues from what he wants. He’s very attracted to me, I do know that, because of the comments he’s made and the looks he’s given me. And as my roommate points out, he is over at my house a lot, having dinner, and originally looked at me with “stars in his eyes.” So I believe our sex wasn’t so “casual” after all.
Thanks for sharing your experience Lisa. I think if you are OK with the arrangement you have then there’s nothing wrong with it. You’re both adults and are fully aware of what you’re doing. But, if you feel any regret for what you did or you’re getting emotionally attached, then, you need to reassess your arrangement. You know what’s best for you and that’s what your path forward should be. Remember, protect yourself physically, emotionally and mentally. Hope this helps!
“Now he says he’s not looking for a relationship but that’s not what I was led to believe when we had sex.”
How did he lead you to believe that he wanted a relationship? Did he say that explicitly?
Yes, on our first date, when he insisted on paying for lunch so I realized it wasn’t merely a business lunch, he said he wanted a girlfriend and hinted that I could be that girl.
I don’t like casual sex. Sex without caring and a sense of emotional involvement leaves me empty.
Thanks Carol. Yes, that’s very true, often times these encounters are empty. Once the act is done you’re left with nothing of substance.
How an individual approaches sex and relationships is dependent on their expectations, intentions, and personal desires. Casual sex is a lifestyle choice that’s the best path for someone say, newly divorced, wants to have fun or not ready for commitment. If someone is seeking a long-term relationship than their expectation of a casual sex encounter evolving into more is unrealistic. The problem many, especially young adults, face is most relationships stem from a casual sex encounter but most casual sex encounters do not evolve into relationships! Sucks! But for me casual sex is a personal choice and if a man judges me for just having sex with HIM; he’s a hypocritical asshole and automatically disqualifies himself from having any other contact with me anyways!
As a newly divorced person, no-strings hookups were AWESOME. I needed physical contact and no emotional pressure whatsoever.
Really, there’s no such thing as a no strings attached relationship. Once shoes, socks and shirts come off, strings become attached.
I totally agree that you have to be honest with yourself about what you can handle. If you want the other person to be your sig other, casual sex will never get you there.
Casual sex once or twice with the same person can make it pretty easy to not get attached. I think prolonged casual sex with the same person can often mean that one gets attached. I was annoyed when my casual sex partner developed feelings for me because I had to break it off. The sex was AMAZING but I never, ever wanted him as my boyfriend (and he knew that).
This seems to be a fruitful topic and your discussions are mind opening. I have a question to ask. How would I know if a woman wants casual sex? I often make the wrong guess and unintentionally hurt our friendship and relationship overall. I love women, but I don’t like to hurt their feelings. Any suggestions?
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