Tinder, the dumpster fire of online dating, has lots of potential for love, sex, and flirtatious pleasure. As a touring comedian & sex-educator, Tinder is my go-to app for scoping out a town and getting dates with my partner & when I’m alone. We and I do alright. Heed these few words gentlemen, because, regardless of your motivation, good times, friends, and love are available for those who know good Tinder etiquette.

Tinder Etiquette for Men

1: Be Interesting

Know stuff. Do things. Try your hardest to enjoy life on your own terms. If you like activities everyone else likes, such as the gym or video games, that’s great! Also, imagine adding onto that list some metaphysical ambitions. Pursue ideas, read, or map out your life’s symbolic sea changes up to this point. Think, be thoughtful.

2: The Photos

Humor goes a long way and so does beauty—even in men. Go out of your way to show handsome photos. Try over-the-top comedic expressions or candid spontaneous photos; those will complement your suit-and-tie or boat-and-fish portraits. All babies and children are assumed to be paternally attached. Use all your photo slots. Show some diversity. If trucks are your jam, great, but also give em’ a cover-alls shot and the one-time dress-up social you had last year. If suits are your jam, great, give em’ the truth too; give them your Hasselhoff & Hamburgers shot. Be dynamic. (see #1). Haphazard, uncaring profiles are what make Tinder such a dumpster fire.

3: The Writing

Empty profiles in Tinder are a non-starter. If your profile is blank, ‘yer done. No one can write it for you. Be a big boy, use your words and articulate yourself. Funny is good but not necessary. Straightforward and honest is essential. If you are looking for just sex, say that in your profile. You will be surprised by how many women too, just want sex. If you want dates, relationships, make friends, get local insight, or join couples—write that.

4: The Reading

Read the profiles (once you’ve matched at least). Ironically, I’ve read hundreds of “no one reads this anyways” lines on Tinder profiles. Wrong. Everyone eventually reads good matches profiles. Don’t make a person have to ask you stupid shit that can be summed up in a boat emoji.

5: The Credentials

Lower the bar. You aren’t all fuck’n put together, hypocrite. Jeez. Relationships are a work in progress on all sides. A long list of deal-breakers (written or imagined) doesn’t get you any closer to having a date.

6: The Approach

Unless it is written specifically in their profile (see #4) that they’re open to NSA sex, starting at “lets fuck” isn’t gonna fly (99/100). Polyamorous or open relationship status is not the same as DTF. Ask a question, inquire about an interest, or ask if they’ve had any good news lately. Guys more often then ladies initiate conversation. “What brings you on tinder” isn’t a great first text, but is pretty legit at message #3 or further on.

7: The Flirting

Flirting without expectations is the name of the game boys. There’s no guarantee of a date, or a fuck, or a relationship. Tinder quickly becomes mile-long dumpster fire of unsearchable faces. Therefore, urgency is recommended. Match today? Chat today. If someone replies quickly, stay on your phone a while longer to chat. Set up a date, keep em’ texting you until it goes cold. Stop at three unresponsive messages if you had a conversation go cold. Check back in in a month or year if it’s still on your mind—which it probably won’t be.

8: The Sexting

Done well Tinder can be extremely erotic. A comfortable and consensual text-chat about sex can lead to higher odds of an actual date. Sexual communication is imperative to hook-ups. Ask your partners “How would you like to be touched” and then patiently wait for the answer.

9: The Fuck-Ups

Fuck-Ups are ruining it for everyone. Do this less. Rejection is a normal part of dating. Insulting women clamps up their vulvas and their trust of men. Stop doing this. Men lashing out with their hurt feelings and bruised entitlement are the main reason Tinder is a dumpster fire.

Ryan Levis is the author of a book series called Dick Loss Prevention and a no-nonsense sex-educator/comedian. You can find out more about his book & his cross-country Canadian tour on his website RyanLevis.ca and you can follow him on Twitter, Facebook & Instagram. He is from Victoria, BC. 

Ryan is bringing his stand-up comedy special to Ottawa on November 13, 2017, at Live on Elgin (CLICK HERE FOR DETAILS).  Ottawa-Gatineau residents can enter for your chance to win 2 passes right here! The draw will be held November 10, 2017: