All this talk of tornadoes and hurricanes got me thinking about whirlwind romances … you know the ones, they end as quickly as they start. They are the most amazing things, but they are also very destructive, as whirlwinds, tornadoes and hurricanes typically are. I had one of these “whirlwind romances” recently. It just ended. Hence my broken heart. I am quite sad about it. I didn’t think it would be like this … I really didn’t … but I think I could categorize both me and him as “once bitten twice shy”. It seems the trend with previously divorced and hurt people. Me included. We’re quick to not trust in the other person’s sincerity in an effort to protect ourselves from another devastating end to a relationship. We think we are protecting ourselves. In reality we’re not. We’re not creating, we’re destroying the chances of anything good. What did I like about him? He was funny, ambitious, alpha, supportive, nurturing and intelligent. He was someone you could just lie there with and relax knowing everything was ok, that you didn’t have to worry about anything. I actually told him about the blog and that I have my online account still open because I like to do research for my blogs about online dating, I don’t actually meet people anymore, I like to look at the profiles for commentary. I also chat casually with some people. After this, I cancelled my account. I’ve had enough.
Mr. S. Well it’s an interesting story. Last winter, my friend and I were sitting over a glass of wine and I asked her if she knew anyone I would like. She told me about this guy. He seemed totally my type. So I told her to set it up. She tried, he didn’t want to be set up. So time went on. I answered an online ad of a guy who seemed totally my type. We ended up talking for a while, but meeting never worked out. He always wanted to do spontaneous things and I always have my weeks planned out. I wasn’t going to cancel friends and family time for a first date. So time went on and we stopped speaking. When talking to my friend again I put two and two together and figured it was the same guy. Coincidence? Who knows! Maybe it was destiny. A match made in … heaven? Then one day, we reconnected and it was pretty casual. Finally, he called me on my birthday and invited me to go for a ride on his boat. So I went. Why not. I really enjoyed myself. We both did. This is where the whirlwind started. He called me the next day telling me how much he missed me and wanted to see me again … so I said why not. We went out on the boat again and went swimming in the river. Those who know me know I am a little jittery in deep water, but he was so supportive and helpful. Rest of the night was great, again we truly enjoyed each other’s company. I was thinking quite positively about this.
Next night we decided to go for dinner. But it didn’t work out because something came up with his family, and kids, oh yes, I didn’t mention he has kids. You might be thinking, but Single Dating Diva, kids? You have a no kids rule. Well I made an exception because he’s a great guy and has a good balance and lots of help with the kids. So we ended up meeting on the boat later that night. We had a bit of a discussion about being exclusive but didn’t come to a conclusion. He talked about keeping his eyes open for warning signs … like he was going to test me. It raised some warning bells for me, but I figured I would see where it would lead me. So we had another nice evening. The next couple days we spoke but didn’t see each other. We had planned to fly to Miami for the next weekend. He flies his own plane. So I thought it would be fun. He came over to my place and we planned what we were going to do in Miami, where we were going to stay, what to pack. Then he got a phone call from someone and it seemed urgent and he seemed a little frazzled about it. I didn’t think much of it. We said our goodbyes, little did I know it would be the last time I would see him.
That night I received a text message after midnight saying he needed to go out of the country for an emergency. Next day we spoke and he left. I was very sad about this … not because Miami wasn’t going to happen … but I knew I would miss him. I seriously didn’t know what sort of impact he had on my life until he left. He called me a couple of days later, but I missed the call because I was in a meeting. He left me a sweet message. I had no way of reaching him. I sent him an email telling him how much I missed him. I heard nothing back. I waited and waited, weeks went by and nothing. I sent him text messages. I sent him a Facebook message. All in hopes he was checking something. No response. After two weeks of this, I figured, because of my history and experience with others who disappeared, that he wasn’t interested anymore. Wouldn’t you feel the same way? Was I wrong?
So I decided to re-activate my online account again, just to test the waters and see what’s out there. Since he didn’t want to be with me, I figured, why not. I waited for him for two weeks. If he wanted me and missed me he would call. I mean before he left I heard from him ALL day and night. So to go from that to NOTHING was hard. Wouldn’t you think that he’s not interested? Really, honestly? So I get a message from someone today from a guy that seemed just what I like. We had some innocent conversation. Then the conversation got weird. Finally he asked me if I was seeing a guy named “Mr. S”. I knew right away. It was him. It was a set up. I immediately sent him a text message asking if he was back. He said he came back Wednesday and wanted to test my sincerity but he now knows I am a big player and to never talk to him again and to forget he exists. WTF???!!! I flipped. Who is playing games here? Who tricked someone? Not me … I was always sincere. He even mentioned he read my email … and he didn’t answer. Why not? Was he testing me? What are we? Children? So we had a very intense interchange and it was bad and mean and dirty. He said some horrible things, I said more horrible things … I was so upset that I was crying … those who know me know I don’t cry. So you could imagine how upset I was. I pleaded for him to at least talk to me and he refused. I even apologized for the horrible things I said. Nothing. It was over.
So who’s in the wrong here? Perhaps both. I think being burned so many times made me automatically assume he wasn’t interested anymore. I was insecure about the relationship. Should I have waited longer before going back into the dating world? I don’t know. No contact for two weeks? We hadn’t confirmed our relationship status. I think he was burned too and insecure about me. He wanted to make sure not to get burned again either. He had a series of tests for me, if I passed them then we could proceed. No one can live like that. No one is perfect and no one will fit exactly what you want. There has to be open communication. Perhaps he didn’t want a girl who guys looked at. He wanted someone he could control. Imagine that kind of life. Not knowing if you’re being watched and scared to say or do the wrong thing in case it will make him leave. Forget it. I don’t want that life. Who wants a guy who doesn’t call you and tell you he’s back in town after being MIA for two weeks? Not me. What am I? Stupid? Nope. Who’s the one playing games? Not me. He can take his money and shove it up his ass. I never saw a penny of it and didn’t care to see it either, he never took me out to dinner or even bought me a coffee. He always had a good reason and excuse. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. So let’s re-cap he was Cheap. Insecure. Not thoughtful. Controlling. Unforgiving. Judgemental. Match made in heaven? Ya right. Match made in hell. Well all I can say, what goes around comes around. He will see the error of his ways one day. Hopefully it will be before he meets someone else.
So that’s why I was so sad this evening. That’s why my heart was broken. I don’t like when things end like that. I am a positive person and react badly to negative energy. Today was definitely full of negative energy. I also had some bad news about one of my close relatives who is like my sister having a serious illness that is worse than we thought. So instead of being supportive, he did this to me. I don’t need, or deserve that. Guess who has been very supportive? Mr. Consistently Inconsistent. I will be ok. I know that. I always am. I am a tough cookie. What do I always say ladies and gents? NEXT!!!!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
Wow. What a freak. I’m very glad you’re not with him any more. Pretending to be someone else to trap you is way, way beyond the line of acceptable behaviour. And yes, it was entirely reasonable of you to assume, after not having heard from him for two weeks, that he was no longer interested. What a tosser.
I can totally understand why you’re upset – hope time heals it quickly, because I am sure there are some much much nicer men out there waiting for you. X
Thanks sooo much! I am feeling better. I am happy I saw this side of him early on. Imagine if we were exclusive? Who knows what he is capable of!
Look, thank goodness your eyes were wide open because bottom line is “when you see crazy… Cross the street…. And use the crosswalk”! He needs therapy! Stay Blessed!
Thanks! There’s a lot of crazy people out there!
sorry to hear that babe…but its so typical of men with paranoia…wanting ur sincereity? wan you not to date anyoe else or see whats available? really – i dont think promises were made to be exclusive or even discussed boundarie or relationships. you were dating…not more or less…if he wanted more..he should’ve said that and saw about ur sincereity then…
he is so not worth i!!! i detest games….but worse cowards…and my friend..that’s what he is…
sorry that you got hurt in the process…
you are so right! he definitely had no right to do this … this was definitely a blessing in diguise! Not a normal person for sure.
Let’s see if I have this right – initially he wasn’t able to make a meeting with you because he likes to be spontaneous (also expecting the other person to drop everthing for him!). Then a spontaneous connection works for both of you and a boat ride ensues. Then the plan for a dinner the next night is made, but was conveniently reduced to another boat ride. This is followed by making plans for a trip — ooops that was interupted too! – do I see a theme developing her? hmmmm. This is followed by a two week hiatus even though you made several attempts to contact him in various formats, but no response. Any normal person would also think that the interest was fleeting and had faded to black.
I think he showed his true colours when he deceitfully contacted you as someone else. Who weaves such a demented web??? Perhaps it is a blessing that the colours emerged so early in the relationship rather than later when the fall would have been harder. Interesting how he was testing your lyalty and honesty via his dishonesty! Makes perfect sense – NOT!
Better to run — don’t walk — away. The behaviour he has portrayed will only get worse. As for your emotions, anger and elation would be more appropriate. Anger at a trusted person for violating your gift of blind trust. Elation at finding out early. Don’t let this experience taint your future, I see a bright and happy one for you with someone who will value trust and honesty, not to mention act like a mature adult. Take care.
I totally agree! Not a good basis for a relationship! I am starting to think he purposefully sabotaged things.
I do have some thoughts that I will share regarding this situation. You don’t have to feel badly – this is more about him than you. Since you hadn’t come to any conclusions (together) about being exclusive and you hadn’t heard from him in a few weeks your conclusion was not completely off base. On the other hand, you might want to give yourself about more confidence and not assume that not hearing from him means its over too. His actions were childish and like he was testing you – in the end you don’t need the drama. Dating I believe does not have to be filled with drama – especially if you know what you want. Just to be loved for the wonderfully smart, intelligent, attractive and fun young woman you are! The right one for you is out there just have fun while you are looking!
Thank you very much for saying that. It is a process of learning and growing. I have a long way to go, but I plan on enjoying it along the way!
[…] I have recently been dating someone who I thought was great. We got along quite well actually. So what went wrong? Trust. We both came out of bad situations in marriages and relationships. We had our defences up at all times. He felt he had to administer a series of “tests” to be sure of my loyalty and sincerity. I felt that if I wasn’t getting constant devotion and attention, then he didn’t really want to be with me. We both unintentionally sabotaged our relationship. We took our baggage from our past hurts and applied them to an otherwise good connection. I am quite sad about this because it is senseless. Had we acted like a normal couple, we wouldn’t be apart now. If you want to read the story of what happened, you can click here to read my personal blog post “The Whirlwind Romance” […]
he’s clearly needy, insecure, dishonest, and totally unwilling to behave like an adult. he’s also totally unwilling to trust. you dodged a bullet on this one. i’m so sorry you got hurt. the ones that are too unpredictable (hot then cold) i steer clear from – they spell trouble. he would have been horrible to you in the long run. i am SO glad you got rid of him – don’t for a single second think you did anything wrong. you were honest. he was not.
i had an intense and sad experience in january, 3 dates and left me spinning (crazy. how can only 3 dates do that?!), and he was too intense too. at first i was like, what the heck is your problem, you just met me, you can’t miss me that much! (warning bells), and then by the 3rd date i’d fallen from all the attention, only to get swiftly chopped as soon as i cared back. the ‘too intese’ guys are looking for you to fill some kind of emotional void. when they discover you’re human, they drop you. make no mistake – they’ll do that to every girl they meet. count your blessings and move on. it’s not easy, i know my experience left me aching for a long while after, but you do mend. i promise. give yourself some breathing time and your heart will come around, its ok to mourn of a brief and intense attachment. sometimes those ones hurt more.
thanks! yes, you are very right … too much too fast should always sound the warning bells! you live and you learn, right? thanks for sharing your story, I’m glad I’m not the only one!
[…] The Whirlwind Romance […]
From my experience you are good to be rid of him. My ex is a narcissist and it sounded like something he would have done. Believe me it always gets worse not better and he was trying to “catch” you. Beware he will probably let you sweat it out for a while and then call and be all sweet and want to try again. If you are like me(you have already apologized for things you said and begged him to talk to you) you”ll want to prove you are trust worthy etc and be so happy to have a 2nd chance. That is what they do.
It’s a smoke screen to keep you off their trail, I would be very interested to know what he was doing while he was away.
Good luck! Be strong! You did nothing wrong.
Thanks for the words of encouragement … some guys are just jerks and he’s definitely one of them!
[…] 5. The Whirlwind Romance […]
You were attracted to him because he was a man that was persistent, confident (didn’t care about your rigidity and having to plan your wknds, and you probably like to maintain such control because of internal insecurities), he was mysterious (you didn’t know where you stood with him) and you couldn’t control him (he’s a bad boy). He was a project that you had to fix but you couldnt and now You’re just rationalizing after the fact (that he’s a horrible human being) but fact is when you were with him you loved every minute of it. And this is the theme with women time and time again. If he was instead a man that came out promising you stability (which you say you want) without you first having to invest your time and energy in him and sitting there thinking about him, you wishing he could see how great a person you are and choose you, etc, you probably would be uninterested because of the lack of challenge, uncertainty, the lack of stimulation. He played the game to a T because unfortunately what women say they want and what they actually end up doing are worlds apart. It sucks to be hurt and I empathize with you and i hope you find happiness but what I suggest is to not just rely on initial gut feeling, maybe the right guy for you is a little more timid than mr whirlwind.
Thank you for your comment and personal insights. Thanks for stopping by!
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