Yes, catching a liar … perhaps my new specialty? My story derives from one liaison (see broken heart post) with someone who I thought was a good friend turned something more. He called himself my “knight in shining armor” and said that if anyone ever tried to hurt me he would hurt them. He always fancied himself the hero type, standing up for women done wrong by men. That’s the ironic part in all this!! I will be teaching you, so you, my friends, don’t fall into the same painful trap I did. I wasn’t sure whether or not to write the story … but as many people pointed out to me “that’s what you do” … so here it is! As always, all names are kept confidential, this one is being kept to karma to do what it does best.
So what is “the string”? You’ve heard me mention it before, I’ve used it as have some of my friends. The string is what you give someone you suspect of lying. I usually bring it out when my gut instincts kick in that something isn’t right. If they are lying, with each lie, like Pinocchio’s nose, the string gets longer and eventually they hang themselves. If they are honest, then the string stays short and all is good. The string method takes patience, my friends, but it is oh so much more satisfying than turning all crazy lady/man on them because eventually they dig themselves into a hole they can’t get out of. This works especially well with those who think they are “players” but really have no clue. I have always had success with the string and believe me, you will too. But you have to play the game, let them think you totally are on their side and let them think you believe everything they are saying to you. That is the most important part or else the string won’t work. Remember, slow and steady wins the race!
So my “friend” and I have been friends for a while. We met as colleagues but he was in the land of far far away and I was here in Canada. We have been through various ups and downs together, as friends. We’ve been there for each other through some of our hardest challenges. This brought us closer together and created a very trusting and loving relationship. We decided to take it further one day and got to know each other on a more romantic level. We had already been speaking almost every day via Internet – Twitter, Email, Facebook and Skype – and then texting. It was great, since we had the solid friendship base it was an easy transition into romance. There was love there already. We decided that if we were going to do this we would have to be completely honest with each other at all times to ensure the friendship stays intact in the event that the romance side didn’t work out. We also decided not to mention it to any of our other colleagues so as to not create a weird situation in case it didn’t work out. Actually, I didn’t really mind telling people, but he was adamant we didn’t.
All was great and, he being the type to “shout it from the rooftops” that he was in love, he did. But he didn’t mention any names. He wrote publicly that he had met someone very special and only had eyes for her. No one really asked who it was. I was asked by one of our colleagues and was forced by him to lie (sorry!). I felt bad about it, but well, all in the name of love, right? He would call me his “missus”, he sent me love songs, talked about the future, even talked about buying furniture together for one of his homes. So he booked his flight here to visit and when the day came for him to come he was so excited, sent me several text messages and then he had problems getting on the flight. So he supposedly spent the entire weekend looking for a way to get here “because I was worth all the hardship and trouble” he said. He wasn’t successful. So he sent me a message that I would have to go there. I said no problem! I will book my flight as soon as I get confirmation from my manager that I can go. So, I got confirmation the next day and sent him several messages saying OK I was ready to book and didn’t hear from him. I ended up hearing from him later in the day saying he was busy in business meetings all day and that we would book later when we both were home. OK, no problem I said. He kept putting it off and putting it off. My gut instincts kicked in that something wasn’t right. That, my friends, is when my ball of string came out.
The next day he sent me a message that someone very close to him was very ill and in the hospital. So he couldn’t talk. OK I said, I knew how much this person meant to him so I was patient. Each day that went by, I was more and more patient. But he started speaking to me less and less. His messages to me were few and far between, not to mention we hadn’t Skyped in a long time. Even responses to my emails were becoming a rare treat. I had a habit of sending him a good morning email with something funny to try to cheer him up and make him smile. He used to reply or at least send me a good morning text when I woke up. Nothing. He said it was because he was spending all his time at the hospital with this person who was ill who the doctor’s gave a negative prognosis. I tried to be loving and supportive and told him I would fly there to be with him even if that meant I was sitting in a hospital all day. I didn’t care. That’s what you do for your friends and those you love without thinking twice. He would never respond. Once he just snapped at me and told me to stop asking. He NEVER snapped at me in all the time we were friends, even if I was being annoying (yes, it happens). He stopped talking to me for a couple of days after that. The string, my friends, kept getting longer and longer.
A few days after that, I was online and saw pictures of one of our other colleagues (who was even further away from him geographically than I was). So I looked through the pictures and saw him in one of the pictures with her. Hmm, I thought, that’s strange, he was spending day and night at the hospital with this ill person. So I sent him a message asking him if she was in the land of far far away and that I saw him with her. His prompt reply was that she was there for “business” and promised he would take her for lunch and that I should “not panic”. After my brief heart attack (because I always had a funny feeling about him and her, he always seemed to give her a little extra attention and put her on a pedestal) I calmed down and sent him a message that the reason I reacted that way was that I felt a disconnect between us lately and that I valued both our friendship and what we had and I would like to talk about it. He said of course we would talk about it the next day. We spoke briefly on Skype for business reasons (a conference call that didn’t work and it ended up being just him and me) and at the end of the business portion of the conversation I asked him if we were going to speak the next day and he snapped at me (again) “yes, didn’t you get my email?”, I said yes. He said we should try to reschedule the conference call, I said sure, I asked when, he said any day but Tuesday, I said why what’s Tuesday? He mumbled and stumbled his words and finally said very quickly “a family thing”. I said “Ok”. Suspicious gut instinct kicked in. I wasn’t born yesterday. Turned out (I found out later) that’s when she was flying back. Coincidence? I wasn’t the only person to notice those pictures and be suspicious of them … there was a buzz … other colleagues were wondering if SHE was the one he was talking about being in love with … Hmm, I wondered if I was going to run out of string?
The next day came and went with nothing. No word from him. I didn’t send him any more messages. I didn’t even want to go check online for more pictures. But a couple of days later, I woke up in the middle of the night and I felt the urge to go check the other woman’s account. So I did. Lo and behold pictures of them together doing various activities looking quite happy together. Most were of her but there was “couple” pictures that pretty much revealed a lot. The pictures also showed that he took her to pretty much all the places that he told me he was going to take me. They did things we were going to do together. You could imagine how it made me feel.
I sent him an email (not a crazy lady email), just one asking him for the truth because the pictures literally spoke a thousand words. I said that if it was innocent then to tell me and we can talk about it. I said that I deserved more and to ask himself if he was really being a fair and honorable person. I said, as a friend, if not the person who you said you loved and cherished, to please tell me the truth. I have since gotten no real response, only that I should believe him that nothing was going on between them. I have given him ample opportunity to redeem himself and opened myself up to hearing him out several times, but he didn’t take the opportunity. He says he wants to talk “absolutely” and then just disappears.
What do they say … those who have nothing to hide don’t hide. If she was just there on business and he was playing the good host he would just tell me wouldn’t he? I would have been fine with it, well not 100% fine because I would rather he be spending time with me, but at least understanding of the situation. The not giving me the whole truth and the silence speaks volumes. I wasn’t born yesterday. I did question myself if I was just imagining the whole romance part of things, but then went back to the emails, the Skype messages and other communication and I wasn’t imagining things. I guess I was being played wasn’t I … good thing I don’t believe everything I hear!! I usually “play” along and see where it goes.
Funny thing is that if he had been honest from the start with me we could have at the very least salvaged the friendship … now I fear that might be impossible. I do enjoy the work I do with our colleagues and will continue, for their sake, not his. Question is, did she know about me? or was he stringing both of us along? I read in an article once in Elle Magazine that we shouldn’t blame the “other woman” because most often times she’s a victim too … it’s a good article, you can read it here.
Well, I used that string to let him hang himself. Do I look like I was born yesterday? Silly rabbit … tricks are for kids!! Seems like we’ve got another “all talk, no action” man!! So, my friends, here we are, do we have on our hands a knight in shining armor or a douchebag in aluminum foil?
You know me, I bounce back like a rubber ball and that I have done!! I have pretty thick skin, I’m true to me and always take everything men say with a grain of salt. Just disappointed about losing what I thought was a good friend.
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
Hmmmm, not sure I get this String Method… It really seems to me that you were the one being strung along, when it was obvious from the moment of the plane debacle that he wasn’t interested… Did I miss something here! Where is this string that you laid out?
Thanks for your comment Don! I totally knew I was getting played and “strung along”…I just wanted confirmation of my suspicions. Letting him think I still believed what he was saying to me made him trip up eventually. I don’t do it often, but I do use the string for those who don’t have the balls to break something off or think they want to play me.
I’m sorry to say, but you were delusional; there never was any intention on his part to be with you, or have any kind of relationship. if you couldn’t see that from the immediate get-go, you need to ask why.
Thank you for your comment. It is easy to criticize when you are looking from the outside, but everyone has times where they fall in a situation where they hope they are wrong about someone but know deep down they’re right. You included, so before you point fingers and call someone delusional look in the mirror.
I’ve been there, too; the criticism was meant in a healthy way. I’m harsh with myself that way, too.
It’s all a learning experience, yes?
Tough love eh? 😉 … I agree, we live and we learn and we don’t make the same mistake twice 🙂
I agree that the issue with the plane was suspicious, but love sometimes blinds us from reality. I was there ONCE
There is not one person on this earth who isn’t stupid when it comes to matters of the heart!
My rule: never trust a guy who tells you how awesome he is (a “knight in shining armor” — ugh — really???). trust the guy who SHOWS you he’s a good guy.
Thanks for your comment! I let my guard down because he was a friend. I learned my lesson … Friend or no friend a red flag is a red flag!!
I have to say this just seems like a giant waste of time for you. Why keep giving more and more “string”? Why do you need the confirmation that someone is trying to play you?
Does it suck that some people don’t have the balls to be up-front? Sure. But why waste all your time and energy trying to ferret someone out like this? I assure you he is not going to learn any lessons and will continue doing what he does. In fact, going to all this trouble probably was a tasty treat for his ego.
Agreed. I asked SDD if I could write a post about this and she graciously gave me the okay. See it here:
Thanks for the comment! I agree but easy to say from the outside looking in but sometimes you just gotta know! It’s not something I do often, but it was something I needed to do.
I think you really need look within yourself and figure out why you needed to know he was a jackass so badly. Why did you just have to have that closure? I get it, I really do. It’s so much easier to move on from something when you have that confirmation, but it seems like you went through an awful lot to get that.
Thanks for your comment 🙂 Sometimes we just do things for our own reasons … not something I make a habit of doing, but I did. I’m glad I did, I don’t regret it at all. The only thing I regret is not taking my own advice and getting romantically involved with a friend.
[…] my faith in love and relationships. He was the last person I thought would hurt me, and yet, my Knight in Shining Armour ended up a dud. I think that experience took the worst toll on me last year. It truly made me […]
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