I had the privilege (and pleasure) some weeks back to hang out with the one and only Spencer Burnett when I was in Chicago. He is acclaimed as one of THE top sex, dating and pickup gurus out there so I just had to see what it was all about!
I would describe him as fun, interesting with a side of swag … no wonder his girlfriend is crazy about him!
Here are some highlights … enjoy!!
We spoke about whether or not intimacy was being lost in the current dating climate. With everything out in the open, there seems to be a loss of intimacy between couples. That “specialness” seems to be diminishing, or, it’s harder to attain. However, intimacy means different things to different people. Just spending time together alone can be intimate, just as a sexual encounter is intimate. Spencer mentioned that there seems to be a disconnect between intimacy and dating early on. Sex is being used as a currency, people get into relationships, casual or long term, because they want the intimacy that comes with having sex. However, this approach could be why intimacy is being lost altogether. It’s up to the couple to ensure that they are in it for the right reasons and build on what they have to make a more sustainable relationship.
I often write about how gender roles are being reversed and how I think there needs to be a coming back to the traditional roles of men and women. That doesn’t mean that women can’t be independent or equal, but, men and women are different and there’s nothing wrong with that. I asked Spencer what he thought. According to him, times have definitely changed and gender roles seemed to have gotten muddled over the years. As a result, men have been emasculated which has affected the way they pick up (or not pick up) and date women. Men need to start building up their confidence and have the courage to do what comes naturally. Overall, men need to take control of picking up and dating.
Sex on the First Date
According to Spencer, sex on the first date isn’t always a good idea. Although it’s entirely possible that you can have a relationship after, it usually alters perceptions and expectations leaving nothing to look forward to. You need to do what feels right and safe and not feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to. It’s all part of not revealing everything about yourself right away, revealing small things out at a time to create interest and a desire to know more. Keep them wondering.
Regardless of what we say, we all have certain things that we are looking for in a mate. It is important to know what you’re looking for and what qualities you value. According to Spencer, we all should have dating standards that we adhere to. These standards will help us find the right person for us. However, it’s important to weigh it against what our actual expectations are. Essentially, our expectations are what we think we deserve and our standards are what we value and look for. These standards are not deal breakers. Deal breakers don’t always work because you can’t predict how you’ll react to a certain situation with a certain person. You never know, someone might surprise you!
Perceptions and Picking Up
I had asked whether guys typically know what they want from a woman when they see her. Spencer confirmed that yes, normally they do. Men typically will categorize women they meet as 1) someone to fool around with/one night stand, 2) someone to have sex with/casual relationship and 3) relationship material. The important thing is to project the image you want others to see. The way you look and act will usually determine how someone perceives you.
The Dating Push-Pull
There are always discussions about the value of playing hard to get versus just putting it all out there. Spencer speaks about the importance of playing hard to get, especially when starting to date, but also throughout your relationship. This creates tension and interest. Things that run too smoothly aren’t interesting after a while. There is a value in, what Spencer calls, the Push-Pull. You need be able to see both sides of the spectrum. This challenge is an essential part of any relationship.
The Importance of Knowing Thyself
My go to advice is always to “be true to you”. You need to be true to yourself in order to know who you are and what you want, it is only then that you will find the right person for you. By the same token, Spencer speaks about knowing who you are and being yourself. When you know yourself well you are better able to make decisions that aren’t based on emotions, rather, they are based on logic and your intuition. Also, when you know yourself you are better able to demonstrate your best self and put your best foot forward because you are confident in who you are and what you have to offer. Doing this will help you project the right image. Spencer also speaks about a person’s inner voice versus their outer voice. Both have to be on the same page and both projecting a positive image of you.
The Art of Breaking Up
Breaking up is a realistic part of most relationships. Not every relationship works out. When it comes to it, it’s really not always easy to do. Sometimes, it’s easier to stay in a bad relationship than going through the discomfort of breaking up and starting over. This, according to Spencer, is something he regularly sees. Relationships deteriorate when the couple stops trying. When a relationship goes into decline it is important to try and make it work and if that’s not possible then letting go is the best option. Breaking up looks differently to different people, but when it is all said and done, most people will see that it was a good thing. This is especially true when they go on to find someone better for them.
There’s no set of rules of what to do or not do. You need to do what feels right for you and just put your best foot forward when looking for a significant other. Keep your intentions clear and have fun!
Thank you to Spencer for hanging out with me! I thoroughly enjoyed our discussion and glad I had the opportunity to share it with my readers!!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
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