I’ve always maintained that you need to close one door before opening another. What does that mean? It means make sure that you tie up all loose ends before moving on to your next project. That’s true in life and that’s especially true when you’re dating. We don’t always end up in the best situations or the best relationships. Some end positively, but many don’t. That is why closure is so important. When there isn’t closure you end up with major baggage, you end up with bitterness, you end up with regret and you end up with an inability to move forward in a positive direction. Why is that? It’s because closure is essential in order to move on, especially when something significant happened to end the relationship.
The worst feeling in the world is having a relationship end and you’re blindsided by the whole thing. You didn’t see it coming, or, you sort of knew things were rocky, but the whole thing came as a surprise and you were never given an answer. You will always wonder why, what happened. As a result, you are filled with resentment, bitterness, baggage and sadness. More often than not, you did nothing wrong. It really was about them. If it was about you then you would know. They are just cowards who don’t want to face an uncomfortable conversation or situation. Do you really want to be with someone like that? I don’t.
So how do you move forward without getting the closure you want and deserve. You have to find a way. You need to realize it’s not about you. Letting go of the hurt and pain is the first step to making peace with what happened. In most cases if you haven’t gotten an answer then you’re not going to get one. It’s too much to expect integrity and honesty from everyone. You can only be responsible for your own self and your own actions. You need to shed that baggage and you need to trust again. It’s hard, trust me I know how hard it is. I am still struggling with letting go of a few situations myself. I find it hard, but, through forgiveness and knowing my self worth, I am moving forward. You need to do the same. Is closure important, I think if you can get it then a big yes! But, no closure? No problem. You can do it yourself.
I found this great article about how to find closure on your own. What they said is that “finding closure allows you to move into your future, unencumbered and optimistic.” How to do it? Well, they say to try these things:
- Take full responsibility for yourself.
- Grieve the loss.
- Gather your strengths.
- Make a plan for the immediate future.
- Create a ritual.
I’m going to give these a shot with the things I’m holding on to. They seem pretty reasonable, no? I want to move forward and trust again and maybe, just maybe, regain that hope in happily ever after that I’ve lost along the way.
How do you find closure when you haven’t gotten it from your ex? Do you feel closure is important? I would love your insights in the comments!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
Closure is important to moving forward. I was able to find my girl after I had closure.
Thanks Lawrence … your bride to be!!
Hi Suzie! Great post and I agree 100 percent. I actually think when someone seeks closure they are actually seeking the opposite. I wrote something a while back that dealt with the same subject. http://personalsfacts.com/2012/04/16/7th-day-to-a-better-you-why-women-should-resist-seeking-closure-from-breakups/
I agree with your five steps. I just wish everyone was strong enough to follow them.
Thanks Jimmy … it’s hard to get but when you’ve got it it’s great!!
My favorite is definitely “Take full responsibility for yourself.” It reminds me of a breakup I went through a few years ago now. In retrospect we weren’t good for each other — she had her issues and I had mine and we weren’t a good fit in terms of personality anyway. When she broke up with me I took on a “why me” mentality and didn’t really take a long hard look at myself and my behaviour.
Fortunately I came to my senses after a while, understood my part in the breakup and resolved to fix what I recognised as faulty parts of my character. We’re all a work in progress after all! Now I can look back at that relationship with closer and reflect on how valuable it was for me in terms of my personal development.
So I guess the moral of the story is: even the toughest breakups teach you something about yourself. That in itself can give you closure.
Thanks for your comment and great insights Tom!! You’re right … we always play the victim and don’t take responsibility for our actions or ourselves.
Knowing the steps and having the strength to follow them are two different things; you have to want closure!
Yes I completely agree … thanks DIP!! Sometimes we hang on longer than we should.
I agree with DIP. One has to want to do the work. Here is a great link on the topic (I know it’s Dr Phil but I found it very helpful..
I’ve struggled with a lack of closure for years. Imagine three years in a relationship with someone and *POOF* one day they just disappear. You just never hear from them again. They feel going silent and thinking “She’ll get the point I’m breaking up with her by disappearing” is the way to go about things. I used to attempt to force break-ups, then, when I noticed this pattern in the men I tend to get involved with,I finally had to come to a point I understood that, yes, they are cowardly individuals who feel comfortable hurting my feelings by saving themselves from uncomfortable conversations.
So, as soon as someone goes silent now I get closure for myself. One must always take care of oneself and look out for one’s best interests. I #1, 3 and 5.
1. Take full responsibility for myself (accepting and acknowledging what I did wrong in the relationship that could have attributed it to ending)
3. Gather my strengths (recognize anyone attempting to leave a relationship unresolved is no one that deserves my love)
5. Create a ritual (write and send a note letting them know their way of leaving the relationship is disrespectful and immature and end the relationship for them, maturely, succintly and simply).
Hopefully, seeing how simple, and necessary, it is to give and get closure will be a lesson for them down the line.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and great insights!! You’re right, closure begins with you. It’s a choice.
[…] it isn’t and the other person is left feeling confused and upset, especially if there is no closure. Sometimes there’s no real reason for breaking up, just the end of feelings or not wanting […]
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