One nasty by-product of being single (whether you’re divorced or not) is having to see past loves as well as others move on with their lives while you are seemingly moving at a snail’s pace, or, not at all. I had to deal with that on the get go after my divorce when my ex-husband met another woman a few months after I sent him packing and they now live together. Don’t get me wrong, she is welcome to him, I don’t want him back … but still. Several of my ex’s have moved on to happier and more fulfilling relationships. It makes you think … why am I still single and why do they get to live their happy ever after?
Where I’m At
When I was reflecting on this the past few days, it dawned on me that this relationship business is like a race. Stay with me here … a race is a competition of who can get to the finish line first. You prepare yourself, you get hyped up, you have hope of finishing first, then once the race begins it’s “every person for themselves”. So, what does that have to do with me? Well, I saw a friend of mine on the bus last week and she was telling me about her wonderful life. She got married around the same time as me, but unlike me, she had kids and is living her happily ever after. So, here’s my analogy. I trained for the race and, like with everything else in my life, I did everything in my power to ensure I succeeded. I started this crazy race with several of my peers, when the pistol sounded off we went. I was in the lead for a long time, then, I tripped and fell. I got up, but I was severely injured, so I’ve been moving slowly. Unfortunately, instead of helping me move forward and lifting me higher, the men I’ve met and dated have tripped me and I keep falling over again and again. Other peers started the race much later than me and they are now bypassing me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel sorry for myself and I am very happy for them. I am an extremely strong person and I keep pushing forward regardless, slow or not. I have some great people in my life who are doing their best to keep me up, but they have their own lives and their own race. So friends, that’s where I’m at.
Where I Want To Be
I want to be with someone, but the right someone. I won’t settle for less than what I deserve. I won’t waste my time with someone who isn’t right for me. I’ve settled before, NEVER again. I’m not being unreasonable, I’m being realistic. I would like to have a child, but I’m being realistic that it just might not happen. I want a life companion first and foremost … not looking for the husband and a white picket fence. I want someone to share my crazy and adventurous life with. Too much to ask for? Nope, I don’t think so. I’m far from perfect, but I have a lot of great things to offer the right person who has a lot of great things to offer me. Plain. Simple.
Being Happy for “Them”
When it comes to being happy for others, I have absolutely no problem. I’m not a jealous person and I don’t wish bad things on people. I might be sad sometimes that someone has something I want, but not jealous of them. I really do wish everyone the best. Being jealous of what someone else has is a waste of energy. Instead of being jealous you need to work hard at getting it for yourself. Everyone is living their story, you need to live yours. By choosing to be happy for someone else you bring that positive energy to yourself. As Yehuda Berg recently said “when we make the effort to be happy for another’s blessing, something amazing happens. We remove the block that kept our own fulfillment from manifesting, and we can now attract the very thing that we desire.” We need to stop focusing on others and look inward.
What About Being Happy For An Ex?
That’s another story right? I think there’s no black or white answer here. It’s kind of grey area territory. Why? Because it really depends on your relationship with them and how things ended. If there wasn’t closure or things ended badly, I don’t care how saintly you are you rarely will be happy for them. For me, generally, if things ended peacefully then I don’t care what they are doing, I’m indifferent. If things ended in a not so positive way, then I find it very difficult to be happy for them. I’m a forgiver but not a forgetter, especially if I see them doing the thing they promised to me with this new person. They build you up and then knock you down. It hurts, I won’t lie. Broken promises, lies, all lead to bitterness, and I know it’s not right to be bitter, you need to let go blah blah blah, but I can’t always do that so easily. Perhaps it’s my ego, perhaps it’s my heart that hasn’t completely healed yet, perhaps it’s me wondering why them and not me? But I can’t be happy for them. Maybe one day, but not today. I never take anyone back, you know that, and don’t want any of my ex’s back, it’s not about that. The best they will get from me at this point is indifference. Take it or leave it.
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
Once again SDD, you are right in my head these days. I too have been getting down this winter because I find myself still single 7 years after my divorce. Yes, I’ve dated ALOT and had one or two relationships since then but nothing now. Is there something wrong with me or am I just too picky? I throw back the “good on paper” ones because they just don’t excite me and I’ve wasted time on the players. I’m turning 44 this week and everyone always says how they can’t believe I’m single…I just say to them…”Well I am! Know any single men?”
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and letting me know, I’m not the only one! I too am strong am I am still searching for the Perfect One!
Thanks for your comments Laura!! We’re definitely in the same boat!! It is nice to know we’re not alone!!
Enjoyed this post very much.
Thanks so much Judy! Glad you did!!
A lot of what you had to say in this post rang true to me. I have two best friends who are happily married and are going the way things are “supposed” to go. I’m happy for them but where is my happy ever after?
I’m 33 now and been single 3 years. Like you I am refusing to settle. Us women need to remain strong and hopefully a man comes our way that has the will and the strength to keep up. 🙂
Thanks Holly! I definitely agree!! You can’t settle … be strong and stick to your guns!!
Just remember that he may have found a new relationship but that doesn’t mean he’s necessarily ‘happier’ than you are! I think it’s ok to have feelings of reflection and jealousy as long as it doesn’t consume you. Jealousy creates drive, motivation, and action…all designed to encourage human’s to work towards their goals. And as you know; there is no such thing as happy ever after. There’s love, contentment, and mutual respect but no hearts, rainbows, and butterflies forever. Great post, Diva!
As always DIP you know what to say … thanks for your comment 🙂
I have to say your right on with your post, i was starting to think i was the only one as well. Im glad there are others that are in the same boat, im not looking for Mr Perfect, but someone that will be just right for me. I do feel that when your in the older bracket (im 55) it does take a little bit more time .. lol
Thanks for your comment Suzi! You’re right not to settle! Maybe the older we get the more sure of what we want we are?
I have been struggling with this a lot lately. I keep trying to figure out why no one wants me, why I’m not good enough. I hate knowing my ex is happy when he cheated on me! He did something wrong and gets to live the “fairytale”?! It’s not fair, and I hate myself for asking, but when will it be my turn? I love reading your posts, you seem to always know what I need to hear! Thanks for beng there for all us single ladies.
Thanks for your comment! I agree, it is a struggle but we do have to be strong and know our self worth. From the sounds of it you’re better off without him!! Thank you so much for reading and I am so glad you can relate!! XO
It’s the natural human condition to feel jealous or envious at times. The way I deal with it is to remember everything that I have to be grateful for. The roof over my head, my health, the fact that I have a hot meal every night…the kind of things that billions of people out there don’t have.
When I take a moment to put my issues in perspective I usually find myself being extremely grateful for what I have. There will always be people better off than you regardless of how far up the ladder you get — it is how much you cherish what you have (as opposed to what you wish you had) that defines you as a person (in my opinion).
Thanks Tom. You’re right and I’m extremely grateful for what I have, it’s all about perspective.
[…] know what’s behind it and why so it’s not worth being upset. I agree. In my post “Being Happy For “Them”“, I spoke about seeing others seemingly happy and moving on, especially friends and family […]
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