Ask Single Dating Diva: Having Dating Problems … Am I The Problem?

Something I realized not too long ago was that I was my worst dating enemy.  How so? Well, I was self sabotaging my dating life through my actions and, most importantly, through my choices in men.  I realized through speaking with others and trying to help them realize their full potential that countless others do the same thing.  Why do we self sabotage, and, more importantly, how can we stop?  One of my readers sent in this question asking the same thing …

dating-problemsDear Single Dating Diva,

Something you wrote recently got me thinking.  You wrote that  “forever has everything to do with your choice of partner” and it made me realize that perhaps that’s why I don’t have my own “forever”.  I always choose men who excite and challenge me.  It’s great at first but then I end up broken hearted and alone.  How can I stop this and find the one that will make me happy?  


Looking For Forever

Dear Looking For Forever,

Thank you for your question. I’m really glad that what I wrote made you realize that often times we are our own worst enemy when dating.  I know it took me a while to get there but when I did I was much happier for it and I now make smarter dating choices.

You need to sit down and do an inventory of the guys you date.  Are there common traits?  Those men than give you excitement and challenge are also the ones that you can’t hold down, but, isn’t that what you like about them?  They make it easier for you not to commit.  Yes, you heard me right.  Every girl wants to be the hero and save her bad boy from a life of debauchery, but really, in the end you know that the whole process is only going to leave you broken hearted and alone.  But you knew that already.

Ask-Single-Dating-DivaI’m not trying to be mean, I totally get where you’re coming from.  I’m a self confessed alpha-male-aholic.  I love those A type men, you know the ones, the successful, dapper, over-achievers who make waves in the world instead of just laying on the beach.  The problem with them is that they don’t have time for you and you will never be important to them, just a passing ship in the night.  What I learned is that what works best for me is what I like to call an “A minus”.  He’s got all those alpha traits but a soft sensitive side too … and he wants to be in a relationship, he doesn’t get threatened by my strong personality and gives me stability, imagine that.  That’s what you need too.

You, my friend, are the common denominator in all this.  It really IS the choices you make.  You need to decide what’s really important and what you really want in a partner.  Match up your values and decide what you WANT to have and what you NEED to have in a partner.  You might just realize you were wrong all along.  Over and over you make the same mistake and it’s this vicious cycle that has to end in order for you to be happy and find your forever.  Stop being miserable and choose happiness and not drama, excitement and challenge.  Plain.  Simple.

Readers, what do you think? Do we make our dating lives hard or easier for ourselves or is it just “our luck” that we’re unsuccessful?

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Copyright Single Dating Diva


  1. Your post got me thinking – in a way you are right. We do go for the same type of men all the time, but how do you know if the guy is not yet another one that will leave after a while. If he’s the alpha male and you like him from the start, then there is 99% of chances that this is all you will see. The soft side might be there or might be not and there might be an awful amount of time you will waste, just to find out that the guy doesn’t have a soft side at all. Should be put them to a test of some kind?
    I usually go for those type of boys, too. They are usually honest and caring, but they find it really hard to show their emotions. I am quite an emotional and affectionate person and someone, who is a bit colder makes me mad, but then this is also why I fall for them. There is nothing better than the guy who seems not to be that interested and he gives you that thrill of a chase.


    • Thanks for the comment! I know, we always want what we can’t have … it makes catching it all the more sweet. Unfortunately it does nothing for our personal well-being. I think it’s about choosing what we really want.


  2. Very good response! She is the common denominator and has to be honest with herself. That’s the hardest thing for any person to do. We all “want what we want” and we’ll take one on the chin to get it. The problem is: some of use take too many shots on the chin until we get knocked out. Another Love TKO. We think that it will somehow work out and it rarely does. Like you said, an alpha will be just that. You’re just a task. A plaything. Someone never to be taken too seriously in his eyes. I love you calling the perfect person an “A-.” Nothing wrong with that at all!


  3. Sometimes what we really want…isn’t good for us. Like, a stress relieving cigarette! You said it beautifully when discussing your own attraction {want} vs what is best for you {need}. If only the 2 were in sync! Great post and wonderful advice!


  4. You’re absolutely right! We definately make our lives harder by going after the ‘bad boys’. We all see it as a project and we want to be the ones to change them and turn them into ‘our forever’. Maybe we really are the problem… we make all the wrong choices!


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