How many of you have been stood up? How many have been left waiting and waiting, not knowing whether or not your date was even going to arrive? I think every single one of us has dealt with this. You make a date and take for granted that the other person will actually show up and on time. Usually, that’s the case. Sometimes, the opposite it true. When one person asked me how long THEY should wait, before I answered, I took the question to Twitter and I’m very grateful that many of my followers answered in unison … everyone pretty much said the same thing. What did they say and what did I answer? Well, I’ll tell you!
Dear Single Dating Diva,
I recently got stood up. I waited and waited and my date didn’t show up. We had confirmed the time and the place a couple of times, so I knew I wasn’t mistaken. I got there a few minutes early and waited, waited and waited some more. When they didn’t arrive, I tried messaging them and they didn’t answer, but I figured it was because they were driving or stuck in traffic or something. After 45 minutes I realized what was happening and that they weren’t going to show so then I left. I tried following up but never heard from them again. Were there any signs that I missed or were they just a lousy human being? How long is too long to wait for the late date?
Dear Getting Anxious,
Thank you for your question. First let me tell you that you’re not alone in your experience. I’ve been stood up a few times, I’ve also had to wait for dates too. One guy that stood me up kept messaging me to make sure I would be there which I found strange, but that was right after my divorce so I thought he was just anxious. Nope, he was making sure I fell for his game. Most people have had this experience as well. Regardless of who you ask, every person has a story about being stood up or having to wait an extended period of time. I have an answer for you but I wanted to ask my followers on Twitter what they thought too. To my surprise, many chimed in. Here’s what I asked …
Waiting for the Late Date
So what did people answer? It was pretty much unanimous! They said:
15 minutes without a call / message
30 minutes with a call / message
My answer is about 15-20 minutes if there’s no call/message and about 30 minutes with a call/message. Someone who is actually going to keep the date will have arrived or contacted you by then. Otherwise, there’s no excuse (unless there’s a blizzard or tornado outside in which case you should have rescheduled). People who are punctual are respecting you and your time. Being late and not keeping their appointments is no way to act with someone that you want to date. Even if they call to apologize with some sort of an excuse you have to think twice about what you want to do. Use your judgement about giving them a second chance. It’s really up to you. But remember the rule, “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”.
Now the other part of your question was about signs and how to know whether or not they will stand you up. I think generally you just need to give people the benefit of the doubt and trust that they will keep the date and show up. In the example I gave earlier, it was probably a sign that he kept messaging me over and over to make sure I was going but then again he could have just been excited. How do you know? Well, you don’t. You just have to make sure to confirm the time and place and make sure you have it right. You can’t be responsible for another person’s actions.
How Long Would You Wait for the Late Date?
Take this anonymous poll and then view the results!
Why People Stand You Up
This could happen for several reasons. Perhaps they met someone else, perhaps they lost their nerve, perhaps they aren’t really who they say they are, perhaps the picture on their profile isn’t really them, perhaps they’re just an asshole who does this for fun, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. You don’t know, so don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault. You just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep trying. One day you will find what you’re looking for! Just have hope … not everyone is a lousy human being 😉 only some of them (just be sure NOT to join their ranks!).
Hope this helps!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
Interesting question. I would say 15 minutes at the most, unless you get a cell call from them. But it seems the normal thing to do theses days is just ignore someone if you change your mind. Common courtesy is gone from our society…… I try to meet somewhere so that I can do something else if they do not show up – like a bookstore. Once, I was suppose to meet a lady at a bookstore, but she never showed up – I thought. I knew she was a body builder type, and spied someone looking like her (large shoulders) entering the store before me…….Well, later as I was sitting near the magazines – our rendezvous place – I saw her again lurking in the book stacks. When I got home, she had left a message on my answering machine about seeing me and not thinking we were a match. So much for the courtesy of just meeting someone, talking with them for a few minutes at least and making an excuse to leave. I remember one lady I actually met, and we talked about this same subject, gave me some insight into the meeting methods. She met a cop that revealed his method of meeting ladies from the dating sites. He would find out what you will be wearing and the car you would be driving….. then he would just sit in his car with binoculars, check the ladies out and decided from there if he would go inside to meet them – What a guy 🙂
You know what Dan … it’s the result of people being less than honest with their online dating profile pictures. If you don’t look like they expected it could be an immediate turn off, right?
Well Suzie, I can see someone being turned off or not attracted to me, but I cannot understand the lack of courtesy of at least meeting for a few minutes. I have had meetups that lasted a few minutes, before the lady mentioned we were not a match. Funny….. you could have a whole discussion about those “online dating profile photos: 🙂 I have seen lots of profile photos that give you no clue as to how they look – too dark, head turned down, person is a small dot on the photo or them posing with another woman or two, without any note as to who she is in the shot.
I guess I’ve been lucky – haven’t been stood up yet. I was surprised to hear some of my friends say it was actually fairly common. I was even more surprised by the actions of a couple of my female friends who would intentionally arrive early to their arranged meeting places, watch the door for the guy to arrive, have a little discussion about whether he was cute enough when he did, and if they didn’t think he made the grade, get up and leave without ever introducing themselves. I thought that was pretty messed up, but I’m guessing it actually happens more than I think.
As for second chances – if the person has a reasonable excuse I think it would be quick and overly judgemental to not consider it. Let’s be honest here, we all lead busy lives and sometimes important things come up, and sometimes we just get stuck in traffic because everyone else leads busy lives too and all seem to need to drive to get to them at exactly the same time. If the excuse is plausible, and they seem legitimately apologetic, do it.
Lucky you Todd! So why do you think people do this sort of thing? I mean why make the date in the first place if you’re not going to meet them? Know what I mean?
I haven’t been stood up, but i did stand someone up. I just completely forgot and left this poor guy waiting at a cafe. He texted me and I was at home reading a book. I felt bad and embarrassed, there really is no excuse for it!
I mean it’s true sometimes we have legitimate reasons for not showing up … but the important thing is to have the courtesy to apologize and make it up to them, right?
I agree…15 minutes with no call. As for waiting 30 minutes with a cal,l I might be tempted to thank them for the call and politely suggest we reschedule the date if they expected to be more than 15 minutes late. I would suspect a game or that I was low priority. Pushing to reschedule the date would better clarify his position. Perfect topic, Diva!
Thanks DIP! I think people attach less importance to first dates than they used to. But I totally agree, the push to reschedule after 15 mins late is a good interest indicator.
I think some of this is a direct result of how online dating works. Let’s be honest here, your first meeting out in the real world isn’t a date – it’s an interview to see if there will be a date.
This is a great topic. I think that the popularity of texting and cell phones has dramatically influenced the practice of just ignoring someone when you are no longer interested. Ignoring is such a slimy practice. Good grief.
If you stand someone up I hope something happened that was out of your control.
No more common courtesy and manners huh Mingle Master? It’s true, people just don’t really care anymore, but I think too that it’s the result of online dating and losing that human aspect of interaction.
First of all, SDD, there’s no way anyone stood you up. I know better than that. 🙂 I would wait no more than 30 mins without a message/call. At that point, I would assume that an emergency came up and they couldn’t make it. I don’t jump to conclusions on people and assume that they stood me up. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and allow a chance to explain. At that point, I make up my mind on if there’s another chance or not.
You’re awesome Q! LOL … yes I’ve been stood up more than once I have to say. I’ve never stood anyone up, even if I changed my mind about the date. You’re too nice, if I haven’t heard from them I just assume that they’re not interested, which, really, is usually the case.
This caught my attention because I actually waited 2.5 hours for my first meet up/informal first date with my current boyfriend. He was caught up at work and figured he would be done on time. He didn’t text and call and explained everything and showed up looking nice. I’m so very glad I waited 🙂
With that being said, in the future, I definitely wouldn’t wait any longer than 45 minutes at the absolute most.And he better have a damn good explanation as to why he’s that late.
Even 45 minutes is long Audrey! Thanks for sharing your experience.
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