Ask Single Dating Diva: Sex Toys and Bringing the Spark Back

It’s a bit of a, ahem, touchy subject isn’t it. Sex toys and bringing the spark back to relationships. Is there room for toys in the bedroom when it’s not a solo act? How would you even bring that up without offending your partner and making them feel less inadequate. One reader asked me how to incorporate sex toys into their lovemaking and I answered!

sex-toyDear Single Dating Diva,

I’ve been with my partner for a few years and I wanted to add some spice to our lovemaking. Don’t get me wrong, we do have enjoyable and satisfactory sex, but, it’s getting a little routine and bland. We’ve tried watching porno movies together but that really didn’t have an impact. I wanted to try suggesting incorporating sex toys into our lovemaking. I just don’t know how to bring it up without offending him. It’s not about his abilities, it’s about wanting something different. How do I approach the subject in a way that he’ll take it positively? 


Craving Variety

Dear Craving Variety,

Thank you for your email and great question! First of all let me say that it’s great that you want to keep the passion and spark alive in your relationship by trying new things. It’s important to be open to it. This way your lovemaking will never get boring. There are different ways to keep the spark alive, sex toys is just one of them. You’ve tried porn … now what?

Sex Toys and Bringing the Spark Back

Sex toys are a great way to explore new sexual adventures. There are so many stores out there both online and in person that you can go to that it certainly is convenient and they make your shopping experiences very discreet. Not to mention, there are countless types of toys you can buy that choosing will be the hard part! So where to start and how to approach the subject? Well, approach it as a team effort rather than you wanting it. For example, you could say something along the lines of “I was reading about so and so toy and it would be fun to try it together” or “it would be fun if you tried it on me” or something like that. You can also approach it like a fantasy. Tell him you wanted to share a fantasy you had with him and explain your fantasy of him using a toy on you, how he’d use it and how it would make you feel. Put it in the context of him being an active participant. Another good way of incorporating something new and non-threatening is to start with various different lubes, especially the ones that are warming or cooling or tingling or flavored.

Ask-Single-Dating-DivaGoing shopping together and choosing the sex toy or sexual aid together will make him feel less threatened as well because he’s helping you choose. Remember that whatever you choose is supplementing your lovemaking and not replacing it. It’s just adding a little variety to something that’s already there. You can explain it as adding a little extra hot sauce on your meal for extra spice. It doesn’t replace the meal, just makes it that much better. You can also explore some light bondage, maybe blindfolding too, some spanking, mutual masturbation, vibrators that work for both … the possibilities are endless! The only limit is how far your imagination can go. My advice is to start small and move your way up to bigger things. You know your partner and how open they are, just make sure to stay within their comfort zone and ensure that they are willing participants. The best way to do that is letting them choose with you.

Just remember, whatever you do make sure it’s fun. When you are having fun and enjoying your partner everything else comes second. Keeping the passion alive and bringing the spark back takes two, so work together to make it happen.

Hope this helps!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Copyright Single Dating Diva


  1. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Sex toys are a great way to spice up one’s sex life. And contrary to popular belief, they’re both for her AND him.


  2. That is definitely a good tip – have him be involved with the process. Maybe even as a role play adventure. On a side note that while it is still taboo toys for guys are amazing especially for single guys.


  3. These are some great suggestions! Especially on how to bring it up. One BF and I went to a sex toy store and we walked around together talking about what we liked/disliked. Then we took turns shopping while the other one waited in the car. When we got home we surprised each other with a purchase we thought the other would enjoy. It was a lot of fun! Definitely worth trying!


  4. Sex toys can add so much to the excitement in the bedroom, when used the right way. If he’s into watching, then start off by letting him watch you use you little friend on yourself. Occasionally, I’ll place her bullet behind my tongue while going down in her or use it on the other areas around my tongue (multiple points of contact). Her favorite position is to ride on top with her bullet placed between her clit and me. With the right positioning, we both feel the vibrations and it leads to an even greater climax!

    Experiment, communicate and have fun!


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