You’ve probably read our articles about unavoidable yet incredibly awkward dating moments. However, there are some awkward moments that can occur that aren’t anyone else’s fault but your own, especially when you try and take shortcuts.

Take a look at these 5 incidents where people learned the hard way that when it comes to sex, taking shortcuts by ways of substitutions isn’t always a good idea.

5 Sexual Substitution Fails

1. Rock Hard
Cracked reported that in 1987 a man entered the ER complaining of rectal pain. When an X-ray revealed an unknown stony mass in his rectum, the patient admitted that he and his boyfriend had been playing around with concrete mix and ping pong balls for anal simulation. The mass, which had hardened to a concrete cast of the man’s anus, and the ping pong balls were safely removed.

2. Sealed for Freshness
Adam and Eve reported that women over the age of 40 masturbate more often than any other female age group. And apparently, the elderly are adding to that statistic. An article from Daily Strength said that an elderly woman was admitted to the ER after complaining that she had green vines in her “virginny”. After doctors conducted a pelvic exam, they verified that she had “a six-inch vine growing out of her vagina, and X-rays revealed it was growing from a potato” that she had inserted into the vaginal cavity.

I’m pretty sure you can’t absorb nutrients from vegetables that way. Nevertheless, a potato shouldn’t be used as a vibrator/dildo substitute whether or not you’re mentally spry enough to remember to take it out.

3. Walla Walla Bing Bang
A woman told her story of substitution for a feature in Cosmopolitan.

After 50 Shades of Grey spurred an interest in her using Ben Wa Balls with her boyfriend, they decided to satisfy their curiosity by using the next best thing within reach—a pair of small magnetic balls similar to Chinese meditation balls. Of course, they were not intended for the purpose of a sexual aid, which the author soon realized when she was unable to dislodge them. Relief was achieved through a trip to the E.R. and the use of medical pliers.

4. Sex So Good You’ll See Stars
In an article from Graphic Online, a hospital worker reflected on a time that an ambulance brought in a young couple that had decided to get it on in the man’s grandmother’s basement.

After rummaging through her medicine cabinet, they found what they thought was lubricant. Unfortunately what they grabbed was not sexual lubricant, but nitroglycerin paste. Used to lower blood pressure and ease chest pains in patients with cardiac conditions, the paste can cause a severe (if not fatal) drop in blood pressure if used improperly.

The hospital worker said that “When Grandma came home, she found the couple lying on top of each other, unconscious and buck naked. They eventually came to after we gave them oxygen and fluids.”

5. Nothing’s Wetter Than Water, Right? 
The most recent story is one that is sure to put an end to many women’s fantasies of a beachside romp. According to The New York Daily News, an Italian couple decided to get a little frisky off the coast of Porto San Giorgio recently. However, they got a little more than they bargained for when they mistakenly thought that being surrounded by water would make for a slippery experience.

Instead of the water aiding in the two’s experience, it actually created a suction effect, sealing the two together. The article cited a source that said they had to waddle onto the shore, and accept help from a passerby. Still stuck, and still in a less than modest state, the passerby gave them her towel while she called for help. After the couple was rushed to the hospital, doctors gave the woman an injection to dilate her uterus so the man could get free. Yes, they had to use medication that’s usually only administered during childbirth.

Remember friends, just because it works in the moment, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea in the long run. Creativity should never be a high priority when it comes to the health of your lady bits.

READERS: Have you had any awkward sexual moments or sexual substitution fails? Have you heard of any not listed? We would love to hear more in the comments below!

This is a guest post by Sherri Goodman. She’s a freelance writer who typically tackles topics related to sex, health, and relationships. You can follow her on Twitter here.

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