Guilty as charged. What am I guilty of? Well, to be precise, I’m guilty of wanting what I can’t have. But, really, aren’t we all? This is true in matters of the heart just as much as with anything else in life. The allure of unrequited love is magnetic. There is nothing worse than wanting something so badly and knowing you can’t have it. Nothing worse than finding the one you know you should be with but, as fate would have it, it’s not meant to be. Love isn’t always fair, the question is though, do we let it consume us or do we accept what is and move on. Wanting what you can’t have … that was one reader’s dilemma and I certainly could relate.
Dear Single Dating Diva,
I met the man of my dreams. He was everything I ever wanted and more. Yes, I know it sounds cliche, but it’s true. He brought out feelings in me that I didn’t even know existed. Although we never actually had what you would call a real relationship, we still spent many hours speaking and hanging out. Yes, we also had sex. I have no problem saying that he was, in every way, my soul mate. No doubt about it. But, despite all this, even though we were both single, we couldn’t be together. I won’t get into details, but circumstances were such that it wasn’t ever going to happen. Problem is that I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t give myself completely to anyone else, nor can I just disconnect from him completely. I can’t bear to live a life without him in it. What is wrong with me? I want what I can’t have and it has taken over my life.
Juliet to my Romeo
Thank you for your great question. Just know that you’re not alone. I’ve also been in the same situation you’re describing and I know how frustrating and hurtful it is to meet who you think is “the one” and you just can’t have them. It’s like almost being able to reach something on the top shelf but you just can’t get to it, even when you think you’re making progress, you’re not. So I get it. That’s why I can definitely tell you with all certainty that what you’re feeling is completely normal and that you’re not alone. Now, what to do about it?
Wanting What You Can’t Have
I will let you in on a little secret, the whole Romeo and Juliet thing really isn’t so romantic if you think about it. I mean really, they loved each other so much that they ended up dead, really? How is that romantic? We have this strange notion that love should be this crazy insane “us against the world” kind of thing when in reality it’s all about having our needs met and of course, stability. Sometimes we get into love affairs that are fed by our imaginations that logic goes out the window. What fuels the fire is the whole “forbidden love” or wanting what you can’t have. Think about it, when someone tells you “don’t touch” then all you want to do is touch. Right? The unavailability is what makes it so appealing. Those secret affairs are super sexy BUT you have decide that you’re worth more than being their “dirty little secret“. What do you think drove Romeo and Juliet? It was the fact that everyone was against them.
When you don’t get what you want, well, then, you want it more, don’t you. I was reading this very interesting article that spoke about that very thing from a psychological point of view. What they said is that there are three reasons why this is so, the first is that when something is forbidden you instinctively pay more attention to it, secondly you want it more because you think it’s valuable and in high demand, and thirdly is that we don’t like to be told we can’t have or can’t do something. All this makes absolute sense to me. Upon reading this, it made me think, was he really worth all my grief, despite my strong feelings and I ask you the same question. I challenge you to reflect on this man’s role in your life and what he contributes to it. Is it worth it you giving up potential happiness for a promise of … NOTHING? Ya, that’s what I thought. Ask yourself, are they REALLY your soul mate? Perhaps it’s time to let go of the fantasy and trade it in for a reality of a life of happiness and fulfillment. Hard as it may be, it’s the only way.
What I did is really be honest with myself about my situation and snapped myself out of it. It wasn’t easy, I won’t lie, but it was the best decision I ever made. Perhaps you’ll always love each other, perhaps you can maintain a friendship with each other, but that’s all it is. Don’t be disillusioned into thinking it’s anything else. You may think that it isn’t fair and that there has to be some way of making it happen, but at some point you just have to be realistic and admit the truth to yourself. Once you’ve done that then you can move forward without looking back. Happiness awaits you, just let go and you’ll find it.
Hope this helps!
READERS: What do you think? What advice would you give? Have you ever been in this situation? I would love to hear about it in the comments below.
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
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