For many of you, you’re ultimate goal is “happily ever after” with who you hope is “The One”. You date person after person, go through one disappointment after another only to find that you’re back at square one, back in “happily NEVER after“. Each person you meet, you wonder, have you found “The One”? But how do you really know? Is it a feeling? It it experience? Is it true what they say that you just KNOW? Well, perhaps all of the above. I was reading this article today by psychologist Mark Banschick speaking about this very thing, it was called “Is He The One?” and really could get behind what the author was saying. We all want to get it right so that we don’t end up divorced or in bad relationships, so how can we be sure? Well … here’s howto know if you have found “The One” when dating …
How To Know If You Have Found “The One” When Dating
The author listed several factors for knowing that the person you’re dating is “The One”. These factors will help you weed through your dating experiences and properly identify red flags. We’ve all been duped and perhaps not listened to our gut when it came to making adequate dating choices. Perhaps we thought we found The One only to find that really they’re not. So how DO you know? Read on…
I mean this is a no-brainer right? We need to be attracted to someone. The author calls it “the glue of attraction“. But, ask yourself, are you still attracted to them after the “honeymoon” phase is over, also, are you attracted to them as a whole? Physically, mentally and emotionally? This should also be reciprocated. If you’re chasing them and they don’t want to get caught you’re wasting your time, no “Romeo and Juliet” forbidden love situations allowed. Same goes for sexual desire and compatibility. It’s extremely important to have attraction for each other in order to have a more fulsome relationship together.
So you know you’re attracted to each other, but, are you a good fit into each other’s lives? You have to have a balance of personalities in order to work well together. If you’re always competing or one is too dominant and the other passive you will have problems. The author says that “over the long haul this kind of balance will play out well. If you are too far apart in the extrovert/introvert dynamic, then problems will arise as you both will fail to get your needs met.” A recipe for disaster, right? So when you’re dating observe your interpersonal communication, how you deal with decisions and conflict.
This is a hard one to determine in the early stages of dating, but as you move forward you will notice how you are when you’re alone, especially when you start having overnights. The whole experience should be peaceful, calm and generally run smoothly. Is that your experience, or, do you feel like something is missing or that you would rather not have them in your space. Then, my friends, that is a red flag. It’s not only about the great sex, it’s about the entire package the person brings, remember it’s about balance. The author says that you should be aiming for a “happy and easy home life.”
They say that you always go back to your roots, especially when you are in a serious relationship. So what better way to know how someone might potentially be than to see where they came from. The author says that if your partner comes “from an unhappy background, get a sense whether he or she has truly dealt with the lack of trust or potential abuse experienced growing up. These wounds go deep and you don’t want to be the displaced object of hurt, anger or control.” But there is hope, if they’ve dealt with their baggage then they want to move forward in a positive direction and have a fresh start.
When you are in someone’s life in a real way, you are in their “field of intimacy” which includes their whole being, good, bad AND ugly. We’ve all got something we might we be dealing with. The author maintains that “good relationships require two imperfect people helping each other go forward. If your partner understands his or her problem, and can help you see what’s what, then welcome to the complexities of a good relationship.” But remember, this is a two-way street … two people working together to make it work and help build up their partner.
Money is one of the main reasons marriages and relationships end. It’s one of the primary stressors between two people. Make sure when you’re dating that you are on the same page regarding money matters. If you’re not financially stable, perhaps work towards getting your act together before seeking out someone who is more stable. There is the expectation, especially the older you get, that you have fiscal responsibility. This way there won’t be problems later on.
There lots of things to consider here, particularly the person’s relationship history and baggage. The author stresses that you should “ask yourself whether he or she had longstanding relationships or not? You want to be with a person who understands in his or her gut, what it means to enjoy a long-term relationship year after year. On the other hand, you don’t want to be caught in a rebound situation, which happens more than we might like to think. You want him to love you for you. Not just because he needs someone now.” If the person has not let go of their past relationship, that is a big red flag. You can’t win them over while they’re still pining for someone else.
How you handle conflict together is a very important indicator of compatibility. Ask yourself if you disagree in a healthy way, discuss and communicate during conflict. The author says that “how you fight and make up is part and parcel of compatibility and making an easy going home. If it’s hard to deal with conflict or one of you needs to win at the other’s expense, consider getting help – or leaving. It only gets harder when kids, money, illness and outside pressures challenge your marriage.” For example, if one of you hides things under the rug while the other likes to work through things this will cause a major problem in your relationship because both your needs aren’t being met.
So are they “The One”? Well, after you’ve read this and you feel confident that you have a great, peaceful, balanced relationship with someone you’re crazy about and they feel the exact same way, then, maybe, just maybe, you’ve found “The One”! Congratulations, now why are you sitting here reading? Go enjoy every moment!! If you haven’t quite found what you’re looking for then don’t lose hope, Single is NOT a Bad Word!! Enjoy your single life and take this opportunity to deal with your baggage so that you will be in the right position to be “The One” for someone else. Plain. Simple.
READERS: What are your thoughts? Is the person you’re dating “the One”? Have you thought someone was and then found out you were mistaken? Share your experiences in the comments below!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
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