Sometimes dating seems like an endless arduous journey. It goes on and on, the roads are usually bumpy and so many obstacles along the way trip you up and hurt you. It almost seems like your “happily ever after” is actually your “happily never after”. So how do you keep yourself from being discouraged? How do you keep your sanity when you’re going on bad date after bad date, failed relationship after failed relationship and the great love that wasn’t. Well, you can, it’s all about making the choice. How so? Well, here is how I helped one reader see things a little more positively.
Dear Single Dating Diva,
I used to be so hopeful when it came to love. I dreamed of the white picket fence, the husband, the kids, the dog and my happily ever after. Year after year passed and date after date and relationship after relationship and I’m sitting here in my 30’s all alone. I can’t help but feel extremely discouraged by all of this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me because all the people around me found their happiness but not me. I think I’m a normal, attractive girl, so what’s wrong? Why can’t I find him? I’m getting to the point of just giving up. It’s not worth it anymore. Where do I meet him? How do I end this vicious cycle? How do I get MY happily ever after?
Happily Never After
Dear Happily Never After,
Thanks for your question, you aren’t alone in your frustration. It’s so very hard to really really want something and see other people with it and even though you’re happy for them you are sad for you. I totally get it. I’ve been there, I know. It’s disheartening. It makes you sad. I’ll even hazard a guess that you just sit there and cry sometimes from the sheer frustration of it all! But, before you throw in the towel let’s chat a bit about how you got here and your dating approach. It’s easy to get all caught up in what you don’t have that you forget to discern how you got there and why. You need to know yourself and be able to think about all the dates and relationships you’ve had and what went well and what went wrong. Remember, you’ve rejected people too. It’s all about choices, it’s about self awareness and it’s about patience. Good relationships take time. I know some people find their “happily ever after” almost instantaneously but most don’t. Just like the Supremes sang “you can’t hurry love, you’ll just have to wait, love don’t come easy, it’s a game of give and take.” So, how do you reach your goal and acquire a +1? Here are some tips to keep in mind …
How to go from Happily Never After to Happily Ever After
1. Attitude Adjustment: You need to stop thinking about it. Yes, you heard me. Stop it. Enough with the dating pity party! Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Be proud that you are single because it’s better to be single than in the wrong relationship. I will let you in on a little secret, but shh don’t tell ANYONE … some of those people in relationship wish they were you! They rushed into the wrong relationship because they didn’t want to be alone and now ended up unhappy. It’s better to wait for the right person, take your time and not regret anything. Trust me, I know from experience. Just enjoy your life whatever your relationship status is! Have fun!!
2. Be Your Best You: You always have to put your best foot forward. Looking and thinking your best makes you feel good and that is reflected in your interactions. People naturally gravitate to others who are positive and confident. They want to be around you. They want your secret! So do men when they meet women. They don’t want a woman who feels sorry for herself. Actually, no one wants to hang out with someone who brings them down. Don’t let your single status define you. Single is what you are NOT who you are, there is a difference. You also want to deal with whatever baggage you have. Don’t judge current relationships or people you date by your experience with others. Each person is a new person and treat the experience as entirely new.
3. Look For Love in ALL The RIGHT Places: Love is all around you. Surrounding yourself with good people will attract other good people. Just do your thing and the right people will gravitate towards you. Whenever anyone asks me where they can meet a mate I tell them the best place is by doing things they’re already doing. There are a lot of other singles who are in the same boat as you doing the things you do, you just need to tap into the right communities. Join clubs, meetups or take classes in something you are interested in. This will allow you to meet others with similar interests. You are also more comfortable when you are “in your element”. Online dating is not always the best way, but will give you some options that you might not have considered otherwise.
4: Have Good Social Skills: Adequate social skills are paramount to successful dating! I can’t stress that enough!! So many of the clients I’ve had and dates I’ve met have had one thing in common, they couldn’t carry on an interesting conversation and had terrible social skills. You need to know how to interact with others. One important part of that is listening. Listening and dating should go hand in hand. This means knowing how to actively listen which includes paraphrasing and being interested in what the other person is saying. We sometimes think we are good at interaction but really we’re sending the opposite body language. Are you slouching? Are you easily distracted? Are you playing with your phone? Don’t miss the opportunity to show someone you like them and you’re interested with eye contact, by sitting up and leaning towards them and SMILING. Be someone people want to be around. Just something to keep in mind when you go on your next date! Even when you interact with anyone, trust me be self-aware and it might just do the trick.
5. Manage Dating Expectations: I recently wrote an article called Managing Dating Expectations. In it I wrote about how we are our worst enemies when we are dating because we put too much pressure on ourselves and those we date. Instead of just going with the flow and enjoying someone’s company and move in the same direction naturally, we are pushy and want to define things too quickly. Although it’s important to be walking in the same direction and to state your expectations and intentions clearly, you need to stop stressing about it. Start by making sure you’re on the same page to begin with and then just chill. When you focus too much on the outcome and “where’s this going” you miss out on all the fun parts of getting to know each other and also miss red flags because of your one track mind. You also start sounding like a broken record which isn’t good for anyone. Dating should be a fun, enjoyable, process where you not only get to know someone else but you get to know yourself too. Remember, things always fall into place where they are supposed to so stop thinking about it. Just be.
Just because you haven’t found your happily ever after doesn’t mean you won’t. Just be patient and enjoy the process. It will come when it’s the right time for you. The only thing you can do is be true to you and live your life. Be happy. Don’t sweat it. Enjoy your life. Living your BEST single life will make you happier which in turn will project a better image of yourself and putting out positive energy will attract positive things. Plain. Simple.
READERS: What advice would you give this reader? Did you go from happily never after to happily ever after? We would love to hear about it in the comments section below!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
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