I often get asked about the importance of chemistry and what role it has to play in dating success. Short answer? Chemistry is very important. Long answer? Well, chemistry is an important piece of the big picture. Finding love is finding the various puzzle pieces that should fit easily into your picture of what happily ever after looks like for you. Chemistry helps all of it fit that much better. But what is chemistry exactly? Well, sometimes when you meet someone you have an instant connection. You can’t explain it but it just feels right. Communication doesn’t take effort and time passes without you even noticing.

Here’s another way to think about it. You meet someone and it’s like you were hit by a train. It’s so intense that you can hardly stand it. THAT is chemistry. Something about them draws you in and keeps you there, you can’t pull yourself away. We’ve all been there and felt like that’s it, this is THE ONE. No doubt about it! Sometimes it works while other times it doesn’t. Even with chemistry, there’s no guarantee. Some people just have that charisma and energy about them and this impacts the effect they have on other people. It gives instant chemistry, but it doesn’t give you a relationship because once the dust settles there really isn’t much to go on. Relationships take a lot more than that. So how important is chemistry on a date then? If there’s no chemistry should you move on?

How Important Is Chemistry on a Date?

Do you need chemistry to make a relationship work? As I mentioned earlier I think it’s important, yes. Do you need INSTANT chemistry? No, not necessarily. Chemistry does not a relationship make … it is the added bonus. One challenge with dating today is that people are looking for that initial spark, the WOW when they first meet someone – the thunderbolt. If they don’t feel it then they discount the person completely. Unfortunately, these people could be missing out on something great. I have met only a few people who I’ve had instant chemistry with and I thought for sure that they would be a long-term item in my life, but, as it happened, chemistry wasn’t enough. Even if we both felt it. The opposite is true, I’ve had some great relationships with people I didn’t feel instant fireworks chemistry with but there was something there I wanted to pursue.

Good relationships are the product of building a solid foundation of trust, love, honesty, respect, consideration, generosity, passion and attraction. Also, common interests and values. Good relationships are two people walking in the same direction, together, side by side. Everything else is the pretty packaging, including instant chemistry. If you’ve got it all then you’re lucky, but really, the pretty packaging will not always be there, you need the stability in order to have relationship success. You do need those butterflies, even if they’re small ones, but manage your expectations.

Can You Have “Do It Yourself” Chemistry

So you either have chemistry or you don’t, right? Wrong! Instant chemistry is all about the other person’s charisma and, of course, attraction. In my experience, relationship success is two people who want to make it work. Chemistry is important, but, it can be built upon. We often hear that arranged marriages end up more successful and fulfilling than other types of arrangements because they know they need to make it work so they do. That teaches us that if two people actually made an effort and let go of their unrealistic expectations perhaps there would be more successful relationship out there.

I think that if you have attraction and there’s something interesting about them you want to pursue then I think you should give it a shot. Build the chemistry, make big butterflies out of the small ones. Instant chemistry, while nice to have, is overrated. Manage your expectations because chemistry alone certainly isn’t a guarantee of relationship success. Don’t give up those potentially great people just because they didn’t blow you away on the first date. You enjoyed their company. You find them attractive. No chemistry? No problem. Try it anyway. There is such thing as doing it yourself chemistry that has resulted in relationship success. Instant chemistry? Not so much.

Have a dating dilemma? You can always Ask Single Dating Diva a confidential dating question on http://singledatingdiva.com.

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Originally appeared on eHarmony Canada.