Ask Single Dating Diva: Are Dating Butterflies Necessary?

You know that feeling when you meet someone you like? That excited feeling? You’re nervous but it’s good nervous. It’s a buzz. You may feel like you’re going to vomit. You know the feeling. This feeling is commonly referred to as “butterflies”. It’s the best feeling, especially since it doesn’t always happen. The more you date the more you see that some people just don’t do it for you, you just don’t feel it. No butterflies. Then, you meet someone who totally makes you want to do somersaults. So what’s the deal? A more important question is if dating butterflies are necessary … what if they’re not there? Should you walk away? That’s what one reader asked.

Dating-ButterfliesDear Single Dating Diva,

I’ve been dating a lot lately and I’m not just feeling it. I go on date after date with sometimes great people and just don’t feel it. You know, that feeling you get when you meet someone you like and really want to see them again. I just don’t get that, ever. I’ve felt it before but that never worked out either. So I’m left wondering, is that feeling really that necessary or can I do without it?


Seeking Butterflies

Dear Seeking Butterflies,

Great question! We do meet a lot of different types of people when we’re dating. Some we like and some we don’t. It’s completely normal to not want to give a chance to someone when you just don’t feel it. I don’t blame you. I mean don’t we all deserve to have that special someone in our life that makes us excited to see them? That person that really, truly floats our boat. I totally get it and I want the same thing too. I want the wow factor when dating … BUT are dating butterflies necessary?

Are Dating Butterflies Necessary?

Dating-ButterfliesI say dating butterflies ARE necessary. I think you need to feel it in order to date it. There has to be something that makes you want to see them … that desire … that passion … that WOW!! I say why settle for less? I have tried it both ways and given a chance to people who I didn’t feel it for because they were good on paper, they were “good catches” but in reality I couldn’t keep it up. It just wasn’t there. You can’t make it happen, it’s either there or it isn’t.

You can’t help who you’re attracted to. It’s science. No, really it is science. All your senses play an important role. Your senses are what attracts you or doesn’t. Some people just turn you off while others make you melt like butter on a hot day. Problem is, when you’ve felt it you won’t settle for less. Not really a problem, but it feels like it sometimes. But why should you settle for less than meeting someone you could be excited about. You deserve that. We all deserve that. Butterflies ARE necessary.

Here’s a very informative and interesting TED-Ed video by Dawn Maslar to explain how the science of attraction works:

Butterflies, on the other hand, can’t sustain a relationship. It’s not all there is. You need substance as well, but, initially, you need those butterflies to get to know each other. So the answer to your question is to hold out for the butterflies, even itty bitty butterflies, something, anything. If you just don’t feel it then move on. You can’t fake it until you make it on this one.

Hope this helps!!

READERS: What do you think? Are dating butterflies necessary? Can you fake it until you make it? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Copyright Single Dating Diva



  1. HA! Love that video with the animation! I agree. You can’t make chemistry happen on it’s own. If he / she doesn’t do it for you, well… move along ladies and gents. And DON’T let the person hang on when you know they don’t do it for you!


  2. I absolutely agree, butterflies ARE necessary. If he doesn’t make you warm and fuzzy and excited to see him when you meet, then he likely won’t make you warm and wet down the road 😉 You can’t fake chemistry, it’s either there or it isn’t. I have dated many awesome guys who were great on paper, as you said, and who I got along great with, but that wow factor was just missing. Move on!


  3. Agree 100%. I’ve tried to pursue people both ways as well, but it always fails if there isn’t that undefinable spark. A guy can be really amazing on paper, but in real life feel like a brother! The whole package is worth waiting for, because when it happens… WOW!


  4. Coming from someone who wanted to give someone a shot; I knew I just wasn’t attracted to the person in the same way, and I wasn’t about to try and force myself into feeling similarly. I’m also terrible at faking emotions; my face is an open book. Like SDD said: Don’t settle.


  5. Dating butterflies are what keep you saying “yes” to the date when all you really want to do is come home, slip on yoga pants, and eat ice cream from the pint!!! I have to agree with you…if butterflies aren’t there, the chemistry most likely isn’t also!


  6. I guess I’m the lone person out. I think that sometimes butterflies don’t happen right away. In fact, a recent study showed that 89% of happy long-term couples didn’t feel that initial “spark” on the first date. It came after like date 3, when they got to know each other. I say if you question, give it another date or two before you say bye. Butterflies could be delayed.


  7. It’s all about the chemistry. I don’t think anyone would have butterflies for something or someone they don’t care for. When you really want something to turn out right, you tend to get those butterflies because you’re hoping for a positive outcome.


  8. I disagree. Sometimes we can have preconceived notions or an “off day” … I met someone who didn’t give me sparks immediately but the more I found we had in common, the more the romance grew! What does it hurt to give it a few dates>? You might be surprised!

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  9. I’ve met someone recently and am feeling really confused. I love being with him and we have a great time together but I don’t get butterflies. I am starting to get anxious as I am questioning my feelings for him. He adores me so much and I feel so secure with him but why do I not get butterflies? I have normally gone out with guys that don’t make me feel so secure and I am normally the one that wants to make it work. In this case I feel the opposite. Please help!


    • Perhaps you’re used to the drama and not the stability, but you need to ask yourself if he makes you happy, if you’re excited to see him, spend time with him and if you can see yourself with him. If he is not meeting your needs and making you at least a bit excited then perhaps it’s time to rethink why you’re with him.


      • Thanks for the reply! You are spot on with the stability versus drama notion and thats exactly what it was. He makes me very happy and I love spending time with him, so I really was trying to create some drama myself by questioning why I dont have butterflies! I even told him and he came up with the exact same point that you have. Once again, thank you.


  10. I think it’s very rare for butterflies to emerge on the first date. I think some people put too much emphasis on the first date and an impromptu meet up won’t spark butterflies. Some people are superficial while others are more profound. I think the real butterflies comes from genuine depth and I think that comes in time. I think people have watched too many romantic comedies to presume that butterflies are immediate after the first date. Shallow attraction rarely lasts that long if not ever.

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    • Thanks for the comment Mulder, while yes some butterflies do take time, there still has to be something that makes you want to see them again, an excitement to spend time with them or else what’s the point?


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