False hope in dating. We’ve all been there. We want something so bad that we hold on to every little inch of whatever we’re given, hoping to give it more meaning than is there. False hope is almost always built around fantasies and wishful thinking. Why do we hold on to false hope in dating when we could be out there finding something better? I’ve asked myself the same question over and over again because goodness knows I’ve certainly “been there, done that” until I boarded the reality train and then I never looked back (well maybe just a peek).
I know I’m not alone in this, I get countless emails from readers who are looking to analyze a dating relationship to death. They are desperate to mine whatever small piece of gold they can in their bucket of waste. Harmless, right? Unrequited love is romantic, right? WRONG!! It’s dangerous!! That is why I wanted to discuss the hidden dangers of false hope in dating with you.
The Hidden Dangers of False Hope in Dating
If I can give any dating advice to my dear readers it would be that managing dating expectations is extremely important, to be realistic at all times and that logic should always prevail. Time and again we encounter time wasters when dating and end up in Neverland waiting for them to finally give us what we KNOW they want and we want too.
You KNOW you’re the best thing to ever happen to them … they NEED you … you enhance their life … you are their IDEAL match … what you two have is epic … you just KNOW that you are meant to be. Hands up, who’s guilty of saying and feeling these things? Listen, you’re not alone, like I said I’ve been there on more than one occasion.
Even when you try to let go you still can’t. It’s so difficult. But there are definitely hidden dangers of false hope in dating. What are they? Well, here are a few that I’ve encountered personally and through my readers’ experiences:
- You become obsessed with the person, their actions, their whereabouts and their life in general
- You over analyze every word they say and action you experience from them looking for hidden meanings to demonstrate what you want to hear
- You manipulate situations to turn them in your favor where they are involved
- Even though they haven’t really committed to you, you keep holding out for the day that they will
- You don’t give a chance to potentially great matches because you want to be available for when your love finally decides to make it official
- You compromise your own needs for theirs and would be willing to give up your values for them
- You develop a hero complex and want to save them
- Your pride goes out the window
- You would do anything for them … they say jump and you say how high
- You think that you can’t get better or don’t deserve better than them
But wait a minute, you say, isn’t an ideal relationship one where everything you have inside is invested into that other person? Well, sure it’s part of it, but, only if it’s reciprocated. False hope in dating occurs when it really is one sided.
They aren’t really interested in an actual official relationship with you or in being with you in any real way. They’ve told you this but you don’t believe them. You just want to believe so hard that they’ll come around. Let me save you the grief, waiting around is only hurting you and not them. If they wanted to be with you they would be.
Fall in love with someone who deserves your heart and will cherish it and take care of it, not someone who will use and abuse it and play with it like a toy. You deserve that. You deserve better. Let go of your false hope in dating and move on to better and brighter things. Move on to your very own happily ever after.
Trust me, it will be the best decision you ever made. Besides, as the great Lebanese writer Khalil Gibran said on several occasions, “if you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.” Let go. Move on. Plain. Simple.
READERS: Have you ever experienced false hope in dating? What was the outcome? Did you hold on longer than you should have with a time waster or did you get your happy ending? We would love to hear your story or insights in the comments below!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
The timing of this post is very good for me… I’m dealing with some of this stuff right now, no question.
So glad it was helpful Ann! Hope you’ve sorted through things OK!
Not sorted yet, but hopefully soon 🙂
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“If they wanted to be with you they would be. ”
That pretty much sums it up. It’s the yardstick we should always use when considering a person’s interest. I think you almost have to dispassionate and cold when determining if someone is into you. Look at the empirical evidence. Not how you feel, or worse, how you believe they feel. We never truly know how someone feels about us until their behavior tells us.
Great article SDD
Thanks Michael! It really is about their behavior … I always say if you have you ask, then they’re not into you. It’s as easy as that!
While I think in some cases timing is off or something like that, in the majority that’s not it. I’ve been guilty of this many times. I thought a guy was interested or would be, waited, then nothing. The worst is when not only aren’t they into you, but are into someone else and you can see how they treat that is person is how you want them to treat you. In these cases I probably would have been open to someone else if I truly found a decent man but in reality all I found were losers. Where has it gotten me? Being single at 44 and dealing with the rejects in the dating world. I have found a guy I truly like, who seems to like me but this time I’m not waiting around in the event he doesn’t like me, though he’s finally making a move. I refuse to repeat my stupid mistakes and unless he commits to me I am a free agent. I don’t do online dating anymore (not because of him)but if someone came around, him or someone else then I would be careful.
Thanks Dawn! It’s so frustrating when the person we want most in the world doesn’t want us in the same way. We do waste our time pining but it’s a lesson learned and we need to move forward with the knowledge that we are worth more!
I just wish I had learned it earlier but what’s done is done. I saw this repeated even with online where the men I wanted didn’t want me and I didn’t want guys that wanted me but at least I didn’t wait around hoping they’d change their mind.
Ooooo Girl, I think we have ALL been there, done that and more than once! When you realize your own self-worth, then you are less likely to find yourself in these situations. Great post, thanks for the reminders.
Thanks BSG! It really is about realizing what you truly deserve and how you deserve to be treated and not settling for less.
You absolutely DO deserves someone who is authentic. And you should be authentically you. Like Maya Angelou said, believe who they are the first time!
Thanks Aaron! I like that you used the word “authentic” because that’s really what missing from dating I think … authenticity. We need to get back to just being true to ourselves and finding those who are honest about themselves as well.
Who me??? Did I do THAT?? Ha! I did this for a long time – I was building fantasies in my head instead of looking at the true picture, that dating is a process of getting to know each other. Letting my mind run amok never helped. If someone isn’t reciprocating affection, that is a huge red flag! Great post.
Haha Kelly … we’ve all “been there, done that” haven’t we!? It’s about knowing your worth and not wasting your time on people who don’t want you!
Great post again Diva! It’s funny. We women start this as little girls… we pick any cute boy in the class and start writing My Name + His Name = LOVE and our name with his last name… We shared this with our girlfriends and giggled over it, not realizing in the least what kind of precedent we were setting for ourselves. I can’t speak for men, but I have always suspected that men, in general, do not think like this. Not if they’re healthy. It’s good to surround yourself with healthy people who are content as they are. It’s a great way to re-train your actions, when you see others you hang out with NOT doing ANY of that.
Thanks Lisa Jey! I love what you said about surrounding yourself with healthy people who are content as they are which allows you to make better choices. They do say that you are who you surround yourself with!!
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This is great Suzie you know Im all about that NEXT strategy. My time is valuable and if Im not seeing he’s interested……NEXT!
Thanks Tinzley! Yup! Next!! Don’t waste anyone’s time!!
i can relate to all the things you wrote about. i stuck with someone not because i loved them but because i had hope that things would change, they would love me more. i went out of my way to help them and in the end i didn’t even look after myself. but once i realised my self worth..i left..its all about knowing what you worth
Thanks for sharing your story Lucy! It really is all about knowing your self worth! Glad you are in a better place now 🙂
I think this all sounds like great advice, but there might be a flip-side that expecting a perfect happily ever after may also be over optimistic. I think sometimes compromises will be needed and people wont always measure up to expectations, but it’s recognising the threshold where imperfect relationship becomes an impossible relationship that’s tricky for a lot of people.
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