If I Hear This One More Time…

if-I-hear-this

I get a lot of emails and messages in a day … A LOT! Many times I see trends, some of them disturbing, but most often it’s people who are at their whit’s end and have no where else to turn. I love getting questions and helping people when I can, but sometimes I just want to shake people because they’re only hurting themselves.

So many single people are suffering out there, many of which suffering by their own hands. They are the authors of their own misery on the most part. They invest way too much time in the wrong situations and with the wrong people. They make bad dating choices and then blame their bad luck in love. They enable the bad behavior of people who are using them, making excuses for them. Should I go on?

These aren’t stupid people either, these are very intelligent people who, for whatever reason, make the wrong choices when it comes to dating and love. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll point the finger at myself first and foremost. Considering my dating history I can definitely see myself in these people. Live and learn, right? I achieved something great because I learned from my mistakes. But what does it take for someone to really turn their dating life around, moving it to somewhere more positive? I’m all about the tough love, so here it is … if I hear this one more time…

If I Hear This One More Time…

Before I begin I will say “been there, done that”. Everything I say here is from experience, I lived and learned all these things and no your situation or particular circumstances aren’t different, that’s what I would say to justify my bad decisions as well. I wanted so bad for some people to want me that I turned a blind eye to so many things.

Looking back now I can see the error of my ways, and I see these exact scenarios over and over again with my readers, so I wanted to help spare you the heartache and headache. It’s time for a reality check. Here are some of the situations I have been hearing from readers AND my non-nonsense response to them. Funny how most fall under the same categories, see below…

  • Falling in love with booty call who only wants them for sex… (if they wanted to be with you they would be)
  • Non committal dating partner… (if they wanted to be with you they would be)
  • Partner who consistently “borrows” money… (their financial instability shouldn’t rest on your shoulders)
  • Has a lot of baggage yet wants to find someone who will help them unpack / carry it… (take care of your baggage because it’s no one else’s responsibility)
  • Doesn’t want to put any effort into dating… (everything good in life takes at least some work)
  • Financially unstable, doesn’t have their life in order expecting someone to want them despite their financial problems… (you need to manage your expectations of others)
  • Wanting to get their ex back desperately… (if they wanted to be with you they would be)
  • Being constantly deceived online by people… (you are making bad dating choices for a reason, ask yourself why)
  • Getting sucked in by narcissists… (you are making bad dating choices for a reason, ask yourself why)
  • Dating someone who isn’t truly unattached… (you are making bad dating choices for a reason, ask yourself why)
  • Having unrealistic expectations when dating… (you need to manage your expectations of others)
  • Projecting long-term expectations on other people on the first date… (you need to manage your expectations of others)
  • Over-analyzing people and dating situations… (you need to manage your expectations of others)
  • How to get a guy to admit he likes you or to convince him he likes you… (if they wanted to be with you they would be)
  • Someone is inconsistent with them / hot & cold… (if they wanted to be with you they would be)
  • Someone says they don’t want a relationship, but they think they can convince them otherwise… (if they wanted to be with you they would be)
  • How to get someone to unblock your number from their phone… (if they wanted to be with you they would be)
  • How to get him to leave his wife/girlfriend for you… (if they wanted to be with you they would be)
  • Someone smiled at me and liked my Facebook post, does that mean they want to be with me?… (if they wanted to be with you they would be)
  • Their soulmate doesn’t want to be with them, why?… (if they wanted to be with you they would be)
  • Has a sense of entitlement so no one lives up to their expectations… (you need to manage your expectations of others)

And my personal favorite …

  • The guy I’m dating is a diva … what do I do? (you are making bad dating choices for a reason, ask yourself why)

So what’s the answer to all these questions? Self-respect and self-worth. You deserve all the happiness in the world, we all do, so remember that people treat you the way you allow them to. It’s plain. It’s simple. I want the best for you AND the best experiences dating.

I know that people sometimes have to make mistakes for themselves, but promise me you’ll make smarter decisions and be true to yourself above all things. It’s OK to make mistakes, just learn from them and move on, not making them again. I made a conscious choice to redirect my path and ended up exactly where I wanted to be all along. I want that for you too. Date smart. Date safe. Have fun.

READERS: Do you always end up with a broken heart or disappointment? Do you feel that you’re not finding quality people? Do you always fall for the same types of people? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

Want some help attracting the RIGHT people? I’ve released my new workbook to help you attract the love you desire AND IT’S FREE… if you’re interested in receiving a free copy then click HERE and register your name, tell your friends too because this is a VERY VALUABLE resource! You CAN increase your datability and chances at your very own happily ever after (just like my clients AND me!), you just have to choose to get out of your comfort zone and start thinking strategically. I’ll show you how!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

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6 comments

  1. This is a great list and I see and hear it all too. I’ve certainly done some of these things and have moved past them, but a few others are a challenge. Not sure how much of my stuff you’ve read but I’m in love with someone who can’t decide if he’s going back to his ex wife (I’ve broken up with him twice but still see him on occasion), I can’t stop thinking about a guy who says he’s interested but makes almost no effort whatsoever…. You know the drill 🙂

    It’s difficult when there are people we come across who seem to fit our bill perfectly, but they just don’t feel the same way or can’t follow through. For me, it feels like loss of potential when you don’t even get the opportunity, and that’s far worse for me than my dating someone and have it not work out.

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    • Yeah that bothers me too because it has happened so much. You meet someone, you connect, then nothing. They don’t like you, or don’t want a relationship with anyone (or you)or they have issues. I had this happen a few years ago. My parents introduced me to a great guy who fits EVERYTHING I wanted: not much older, same interests, same views, etc. it was like I went to a store, gave them my order and voila, him. The problem? he has a drinking problem and I refuse to get involved unless he quits. We connect so strongly and one night playing darts with him I had a strong sense of electricity when he touched my arm. He hugs me, tells me his problems he’s trying to deal with, he likes me a lot, but I assume as just a friend. However, he’s done things that guys who are interested in me have done, like he would stare at me for hours (including walking into a wall while staring), he sought me out first when he came to a Halloween party, etc. He tells people he likes me but wants to make a good impression when he sees me (and he puts me on a pedestal to some extent).

      It’s weird, I connect stronger with him than any guy I ever dated and he’s usually the first person I go to to tell news, yet we aren’t together. Would we be together if he didn’t drink? no idea but I refuse to get involved as more than a friend unless this happens. Ironically, partly due to him I am going back to school to become an addictions counselor (and later a licensed counselor or psychologist), Every time I think of losing him to alcoholism I cry. I had a dream the other night where he died and I woke up crying. He means so much to me yet we are just friends. I’ve thought of seeking out other men but am afraid that I won’t like them, then they’ll get hurt. Of course I might like them better but this has never happened to me when I dated a guy because the one I wanted didn’t want me. So as of now I decided to concentrate on school. Maybe he’ll quit drinking, or I’ll meet another guy I am crazy about. Or maybe the timing is off and school is a priority. When I met him I didn’t know he had a drinking problem.

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  2. Yeah, I’ve made mistakes too. Funny thing is, I knew they were mistakes, but still I continued making them. Only when… hm… I got enlightened both mentally AND emotionally I was ready to make a conscious choice and stop that nonsense.

    I see that in a lot of people. It doesn’t matter what everybody around them are saying, they have to fully realize they are making mistakes themselves. Till then they will fight you for their mistakes.

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  3. I have fallen into several of those categories and have gotten hurt. This is why I consider it a learning experience. I got screwed over financially by a guy, got used by a few men, etc. All of these happened in my 20’s. In my 30’s I was more interested in getting ahead in my career and tried online but failed. When I was 39 I reconnected with a guy I always thought was the one and he wasn’t. I was devastated and it took me awhile to get back into it. I met someone a few years ago I am attracted to but is just a friend. Part of the reason is because he doesn’t have his act together and needs to unpack his baggage (his baggage is he drinks too much). Some of those I could have gotten screwed over by, like online, but know better now.

    If anything, the one I get accused of now is having unrealistic expectations. As I’ve written many times I don’t date single dads. They were another group I dated years ago and while none took advantage of me they all tried. I knew then it was something I didn’t want, so I automatically delete them (exceptions: adopting as a single dad and possibly widowers but neither group is abundant on dating sites). It goes without saying that if I pursued more men that I wanted back then instead of the wrong guys I might be married today. Back when I was dating the losers there was an abundance of the guys I wanted, only I didn’t find them as much (or didn’t seek them out). Many I did see but likely ignored them because they weren’t hot. Because of this I am at a crossroads, and my choices are to lower my standards and date a dad (and be miserable), wait to see if my friend stops drinking and wants to date me or anyone else (possible but not in the near future), try online again (and possibly fail), or don’t even try and see what happens.

    I am back in school to pursue another field that will require 2-3 years (and possibly more if I go for a doctorate) so at this point am taking a wait and see approach. I don’t have an urge to have a baby (at one time I was open to it but realized not a good choice for me) so this helps. However, my fear is that the longer I wait, the more likely I am run into a crossroad when it comes to finding men I desire. I also of course have more and more of a possibility I won’t find anyone. That is a very good possibility and it scares me, Had I known then this would happen I think I would have chosen boyfriends much better.

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  4. Wow that is a long list. and I was totally surprise at the ‘How to get him to leave his wife/girlfriend for you…’ I am like wow, some people ask advice for that?

    Well people make a lot of mistake but is better to not repeat those mistakes again especially in love and relationships. It gets unhealthy. 😦

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    • I know a few who would ask me if they should keep sleeping with a man because “he will leave his wife”. Sorry but I wouldn’t date a guy like that because even if he leaves her for the next person there’s not way to know if he will cheat on the next woman (and he probably will). The only exception would be he was planning to leave her anyway or he can’t divorce for a variety of reasons (this was was common in years ago but really only realistic in cases like she is disabled and he can’t get a divorce). To me a guy who is married to a woman in a coma for years or is so disabled that she’s not functioning (severe mental or physical disability) is a bit different. Has anyone come across this situation? I knew a few like this but as far as I know weren’t dating anyone.

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