Being single and dating is a common reality for most people. Some people are certainly more successful at it than others, as we all know. But why is that? Well some singles, of course, stay single by choice. However, most people really do want to find love but can’t.
A very interesting academic study was recently published looking at all the reasons men cited that they were single. The researchers from the University of Nicosia in Cyprus asked almost 7000 male Reddit users from all over the world why they were single to determine if there were consistent reasons men chose (or didn’t choose) to be single. They found that there were 43 various reasons men gave for staying single. What were they? Read on to find out!
Why Men Stay Single
The reasons men stay single are quite varied but here are some of the top responses given (you can read all of them here):
- Undesirable physical appearance led the pack. Whether they were overweight, unattractive, short, bald, perceived themselves as ugly, penis size, health/disability challenges, etc, they felt that it was holding them back from attracting love.
- Low confidence or self-esteem was a close second. These men felt they were socially inept or not worthy of love. They don’t have the charisma or social skills necessary to secure a mate.
- Next on the list was a lack of effort. They really didn’t bother trying. They prefer a passive approach to dating and finding love. Essentially, they feel it will come on its own when it’s the right time.
- Also, some people were not interested in having a relationship or they enjoy being single. They didn’t really want to be with anyone.
- Poor flirting skills or shyness was next in line. Not being able to flirt or talk to the person they like in a desirable way holds them back.
- Being introverted was also a popular response. They really don’t get out there to meet people. These men stick to their work-home routine and don’t step out of their comfort zone.
- Another reason was that they recently broke up with someone and just not ready to jump in to the dating pool yet.
- Some men also had bad experiences from a previous relationship. Those experiences have held them back from wanting to try again.
- Other men said that there are no available women in their communities or areas of work or who meet their standards. They can’t find what they want where they are.
- They have a fear of commitment or making the wrong choice in partner. They don’t want to be tied down, they have a fear of missing out or they see the grass is greener on the other side.
Because of all these reasons, many single men just gave up trying to find love. Many would rather allocate their time, energy and resources on other things. While it furthers the argument that well-rounded charismatic men who have good social skills are most successful with women, that’s not always the case in practice.
I would argue that most of these “undesirable” attributes are within the respondents’ control. It’s easy to say “nobody wants me because I’m short, obese and bald”. It’s easy to say that there are “no available women”. What’s NOT easy is to get out of your comfort zone and do something about it.
Even though the study focused on Reddit users, from speaking to and working with many many single men over the years I know that the reasons noted are pretty much uniform for most men who are having a difficult and challenging time finding love. Women also, in my experience, cite pretty much the same reasons for being single, so men aren’t alone. It’s almost like singles feel that you have to be a 10/10 in every way in order to find love. While that may be true for some people, it’s not true for most.
Just look around you. Short obese bald men, for example, are living their happily ever after. So then, what makes these men different? Perspective. They are realistic. They know how to market their best attributes and how to make dating choices that are better for them. Their success is a direct result of their actions and attitude. As Dita Von Teese said, “you can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” So if you meet someone who isn’t a fan of peaches, accept it, don’t let it get you down, and find the one who loves peaches. Plain. Simple.
What To Do
What men (or women) who are single need to do is simple, they need to take a hard look at themselves, their values, their judgments and then re-assess who they perceive themselves to be, what they are really looking for in a partner and how they are going about finding them. Additionally, in my experience, most singles also underestimate the importance of personal marketing when dating. They don’t know how to demonstrate their value (usually because they don’t know or see what it is themselves).
Singles also want quick solutions and big fireworks but it takes a lot of dates to find the right one and the best relationships take time to develop. Knowing that will put you one step ahead. Online dating, contrary to what you might think, has also made finding love somewhat harder and not easier. There are many more time wasters than ever online. Most people used to find love in their social circles and communities in person with success, and they are now looking online with countless meaningless options, frustrating the hell out of everyone. Some people do find success online, but many don’t.
I always challenge all my clients to get offline and meet people the old fashioned way. Scary for most, I know, but practice makes perfect so the more you do it the easier it will be. I’ve witnessed even the shyest most socially awkward people meet others with success after getting out of their comfort zones. I’m not saying it’s easy but it is possible.
So what do I think about this study? Well, I think that it brings to light what singles are actually thinking and feeling. More than ever singles need to try harder and push harder to find love. They have to get out of their comfort zones and give love a chance. They need to go on dates with people they normally wouldn’t go out with. They need to stop serial dating. They need to re-assess what it means to be a good partner.
Finding love isn’t what it used to be, so singles need to ask themselves what lessons have they have learned and what could they be doing differently and do it. No one said it would be easy, but it will be worth it.
READERS: Do you agree with the findings? Share your thoughts & perspective in the comments below!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
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