I ask myself this question all the time … but then again, I’m afraid too. But I have a good reason … I can understand if someone who’s been divorced is marriage shy. I certainly am! It will definitely take someone special for me to take that sort of commitment again. However, I don’t start off a relationship thinking “oh no, I’m not thinking marriage”. I don’t know that … why should I close a door that’s so far away? Many guys have used that line with me … it makes me think, are you not thinking of marriage? Or are you not thinking of marriage with me?
I take relationships one day at a time. One date at a time. I don’t go into a relationship thinking “oh this is the man I’m going to marry”. Why put that kind of pressure on yourself, and them? I have mentioned before that it was this attitude of “I need to get married” that had me marry the WRONG person. All I saw were wedding bells … they were ringing so loud that I didn’t hear the out of tune choir that came with marrying my ex husband. This time around, I am thinking “is this someone I enjoy?”, “is this someone I like to spend time with?”, “is this someone I am attracted to?” … this time around, I’m playing it smart.
So back to our topic, why are so many men afraid of marriage? I’m not saying all men are, but many are. I think it’s the fear of losing their independence and their fun. They look at other marriages and see broken down couples who forgot to have fun and whose focus is out of whack. But marriage is what you make it, it doesn’t have to be a loss of independence or boring. Not at all. Here’s what AskMen.com had to say about it:
“Men love their freedom. For many guys, the very thought of making a commitment to one woman for the rest of their lives is enough to send them sprinting for the hills. The dreaded “C-word” implies compromise, loss of independence, the sacrifice of sexual variety, and the looming specter of financial devastation.”
Yikes! Well I totally agree with them. Those are some pretty important things, but, why can’t you have the best of both worlds? If you find the right person, then these things still exist but just in a different context. The older men get, the more they are afraid of losing themselves in a relationship. However, what if you don’t lose yourself, but gain a partner in crime? That’s what I’m looking for. I’m not looking for a man who will hold me down, but a man who will walk with me in the same direction … with the same ambitions, the same goals in life – those include being independent (who needs a needy partner? not me!), sexual variety (you need to keep it interesting!! don’t be predictable and boring!!), financial stability (joining forces to make a better life for the both of you) … Compromise? Well life is full of compromises, but you need to stay true to yourself and if someone doesn’t love you for you and accepts who and what you are then you’re with the wrong person.
It’s not about sacrifice, it’s about finding the RIGHT person. Marriage should be a natural next step, not the ultimate goal of the relationship. By understanding what marriage really means and being clear about who you are and your expectations, you can look more positively on marriage and make an informed decision about it. Relationships are not what they used to be, so you can’t base your expectations on what you see around you or in the movies … each relationship is different and each person is different. Just take things one step at a time, don’t be afraid of the risk and enjoy the ride … it can be a great thing if you really want it to be!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
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[…] honest, then even better. So one day, out of the blue, he said to me “you know, I’m scared of marriage“, I said “me too” … I said I’m not in a hurry to get married again […]
The financial part is a BIG concern for many men. Even before people get married, there’s the concern of divorce and the financial consequences of divorce. Typically, a man as he gets older stores up some money, possibly real estate etc.. Once he gets married, he potentially stands to lose a lot. Even with a prenuptial agreement, places like Quebec, a judge can override the agreement, usually in favor of the woman. That fear is real in a lot of men, especially once they get into their late 30s.
All very valid points Fabio, I would argue that the same holds for women in their 30’s who are established already. The point is to take your time and find the right fit who is on the same page as you.
Absolutely, we can argue the financial point from the woman’s perspective, but the title states “Why Are So Many Men Afraid of Marriage?” so I was addressing the man’s concern.
Anyone, man or woman who feels has something to lose will be fearful. The key I believe, is that both have to feel that they will be gaining something (not talking finances) so that the fear of loss is minimized or non-existent.
Our society teaches people are a commodity. We’re all replaceable. Why commit to one person? We throw everything away.
Thanks for your comment Luna. You’re right, people do not view relationships the way they used to.
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