Single Dating Dilemma: Is He Into You or Not?

We’ve ALL been there … wondering if they like you or not. Sitting anxiously awaiting some sort of contact from them. Something, Anything. Anything at all! Then, days go by and nothing. Maybe they do contact you after causing you days or weeks of agony and then give you some attention … then … back to nothing … hot and cold, pushing and pulling. It almost seems unfair. Especially if you really really like them. You try to forget them but you can’t. You just HAVE to know … you can’t keep waiting … so what do you do with this single dating dilemma? Is he into you or not? Well, let’s look at this a little closer.

Is-He-Into-You-or-NotSingle Dating Dilemma:
Is He Into You or Not?

I had to go through this very thing more than once. I meet someone I really like, and, they seemingly like me too. But, after much reflection I realized when they were into me and when they weren’t. There were definitely “tell tale” signs. So what were these signs that helped me, and will help you realize if “is he into you or not”? I am going to let you in on my little secrets!

He hasn’t asked you out on an actual date – into you or not?

Well, that seems pretty obvious, right? Not always. If you hang out with him as friends or with groups of people and he hasn’t actually asked you on an “official” date for just the two of you then you might have to think twice about how he feels. He might be nervous, or he might not feel the same.

What to do: If you find yourself asking “Does He Like Me or Is He Just Being Friendly?” then you need to make the move and ask him out. I know it’s unconventional but bring up a movie or event you think you both would enjoy and ask him to join you. It’s really simpler than you might think. You can do it! If he says no, then you have your answer. Simple as that.

He doesn’t contact you frequently – into you or not?

This is a big one! When someone likes you they will think of you often and when they think of you often they will contact you. Plain. Simple. You will NOT have to sit by the phone and wait. You will not have to wonder. Now, you do have to be realistic about your expectations as well, people are busy and we’re all adults with real lives, but if when you do have contact they need to make it a real worthwhile and meaningful conversation. When I am seeing someone I expect daily contact, even if it’s just a “check in”, but if I meet someone new my expectation is at least a couple times a week.

What to do: Make the move, send them a message or call them. If they don’t engage in an actual conversation or send you one word texts then let it go. If you’re texting make sure they have the last word and don’t text them back. That will make them wonder why you didn’t reply and they will contact you eventually. Hopefully, by that time you won’t care and you’ll have found someone better.

He is secretive – into you or not?

If you are dating someone new and don’t know anything about their life outside of the time you are not together, then you should wonder. I don’t mean be suspicious and paranoid, not at all, but you should have some idea about what’s they’re up to. They need to share their life with you, their ups and downs. That’s what a relationship is all about, supporting each other and when you’re building a new relationship this is just as important because it builds a connection and trust.

What to do: Talk to him and express your feelings. Don’t accuse him of anything, just mention that he is important to you and you would like to play a bigger part of his life. Show interest in him and his activities. When he does tell you something, listen and be engaging, ask questions.

You feel something is “off” – into you or not?

Your good old gut will never steer you wrong. If you feel something is “off” then something is “off”. Plain. Simple.

What to do: Listen to your gut. Make decisions based on logic and your gut instincts.

He only contacts you when he “needs” you for sex or emotional support – into you or not?

If you only hear from him when he needs something from you then he isn’t into you sorry to say. He is into that temporary fix that you give him. He knows you will answer when he calls and relies on that. He knows he doesn’t need to commit because he has you anyway. If doesn’t ask you to do anything meaningful, or call you to have a normal conversation and see how you are, or even be there for you when YOU need HIM then you have your answer. He is using you, even if you don’t feel like you’re being used, you are.

What to do: Put your foot down and say “NO”. You need to have self respect and not be a doormat. Trust me I’ve been there and I’ve been the “go to” person for someone’s physical, emotional and mental needs … when THEY needed me and because of our connection and what they meant to me I couldn’t say no, let’s just say it wasn’t healthy. Until I realized that I needed to ask “what’s in it for me?” in every liaison I have, I couldn’t be true to myself. The same goes for you. No one will respect you if you don’t respect yourself first.

He’s not committing – into you or not?

If you’ve been dating someone for some time, and it’s stayed casual, you need to ask yourself why? If you enjoy each other’s company and your feelings are growing, the next logical step would be to commit. Now I’m not saying marriage but some long term arrangement that means you are exclusive. Otherwise, you’re just wasting your time.

What to do: I read something recently from David Wygant that I think is very relevant here, he said that if you’re in this situation, this is what you must do: “Be upfront… Especially if you’re having doubts about how serious he is. Be honest and open, but just don’t’ sound needy or desperate. I’d sit him down and say something like…“I’m having an amazing time dating you. I care about you a lot, and I’m excited about spending the future with you. But I need to know how you feel about it, because I don’t want to waste my time with a man who has no intention of settling down.” Essentially, he said that this is an “all or nothing” type of conversation but it will get you what you want or send him running for the hills, either way it’s a win-win situation. You won’t waste anymore time than necessary.

There are lots of signs but really, you will know if he is into you. It’s not very hard to tell. If you have to think about it or ask then chances are he’s not. It took me a while to get there too, to realize this. When you meet someone who is really into you you will see the difference. It’s pretty obvious actually. That’s what you deserve … if someone is making you feel anxious and nervous and unsure then you know what? They aren’t the right person for you. You deserve better. Plain. Simple.

Readers, what do you think? How would you deal with this single dating dilemma? Is he into you or not? How do you REALLY know? I would love to read your thoughts in the comments!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Copyright Single Dating Diva

13 thoughts on “Single Dating Dilemma: Is He Into You or Not?

  1. Oh how I wish I’d found this blog six months ago! It could have saved miss six months of heartache and now disappointment.

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  2. A few more tell-tale signs that he’s just not that into you 1) He doesn’t make long-term plans involving you 2) He seems reluctant to meet your friends 3) It’s obvious he doesn’t want to meet your parents 4) It feels like you’re making all the effort 5) He always cuts phonecalls short with some excuse about why he has to hang up 6) He hardly ever initiates a kiss just for the sake of it, i.e. that doesn’t lead to foreplay or whoopee.

    I subscribe to the concept of “relationship equity”. You’re both investing almost equal amounts in the relationship for it to work. An investment to be sound, it will pay you dividends too. If you’re the one investing and he’s almost always walking away with the dividends, then prepare for disappointment.

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    • Yes, definitely all signs to add to the list! Someone who’s investing into a relationship will make the effort to be with you. If you have wonder then you’ve got to re-assess their intentions.

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  3. Reply to MeAndDating: Just because a guy isn’t interested in meeting your family or friends just yet doesn’t mean that he isn’t into you. It could just be that, unless you’re taking the relationship to the next level – such as moving in together or getting engaged – he really doesn’t see the need to jump through all those hoops at this point in time. Sometimes meeting family and friends prematurely just leads to awkward situations that he’d much rather avoid (ie: nosy questions, presumptions of long-term commitment, etc.). Want him to stick around? Don’t put him between a rock and a hard place until he’s ready to deal with it.

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    • Thanks Dino, there are different steps in a relationship … you just need to assess for yourself what’s appropriate at that time. Meeting the family is a big deal, when the time is right (if everything else is in place) then he’ll do it. I know for me meeting the family is always last on my to do list.

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  4. Some great straightforward advice. What I’ve learned over the years is this subject is more straightforward then we make it. We rationalize and wonder, We analyze and try to mind read. Think of excuses why they may not be calling us. The most important thing, I believe, is pay attention to what they do, not what they say. Behavior will tell you everything you need to know.

    Second most important thing is when people are into you, they will make the time to contact you. Especially in this day and age. I think the author is correct, when it comes to daily contact. We never lose time or gain time. There are 24 hours in everyday. No more, no less. We spend time on what are priorities are. And if they’re not contacting you, they’re not interested.

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  5. I have no idea how a woman should react to not knowing, but I’m glad that you’re here to fill people in. I always expect women to be aggressive and let us know that they’re interested. However, that’s not always the case for some. They’re just too reserved, traditional, etc. I hope your post helps!

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  6. Love the blog, but with no disrespect intended, I think advice like this: “If you’re texting make sure they have the last word and don’t text them back. That will make them wonder why you didn’t reply and they will contact you eventually.” is what leads to dating confusion. It sounds like games to me and if both parties are playing these kinds of games or “testing” the the other, it’s no wonder we’re clueless about if s/he’s into you.

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