Let’s Get Physical (or Not)

Physical attraction is what draws us to a person from the get go.  Whether it’s on the street or online, our first impressions are the deciding factor to move forward or not.  That’s why it’s always important to look good when you leave the house (ALWAYS) … and for goodness sake make sure your online profile picture is decent!  Sometimes I feel like going through the profiles and messaging some guys to remove their pictures – you know the ones, the fat shirtless guy, the guy with lots of women surrounding him, the guy with four dogs, the guy with many empty bottles of beer around him.  But it’s true, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  How many of you look at some of the people your friends date and go “huh” or even “gross”.  I can speak for myself, sometimes I dated guys that were quite attractive to me but my friends thought I was on crack (actually it was pot … wait, did I say that out loud? well everyone looks good through the smokey haze!).  So physical attractiveness is important … we’ve established that.  But what about getting physical in a relationship?  That’s what I will be talking about today.

let's get physicalI think it’s been clearly established that there should be no physical stuff the first date, kissing and otherwise (unless that’s the purpose of the liaison).  But when is it too early, or too late, to engage in carnal pleasures?  I think there is no clear answer to this question.  It depends on the person and what your intentions are.  Let me explain.  If you are looking to casually date people and not really looking for a relationship, then “getting physical” early on isn’t as big of a deal.  But there has to be an understanding that it’s casual and typically not exclusive – and no feelings, purely physical.  What two consenting adults do together is their business … we all have needs, right?  Oh stop turning away from the screen … you know I’m right!  Friends With Benefits (FWB), hell ya … if you are both consenting, have an agreement and both actively date other people and can talk about it together, and your friendship is there with or without the sex, then you’re OK.  Not to be confused with the Booty Call (BC) which is purely for sex, plain and simple, and usually takes place late at night and is short and sweet.  Purely physical.  Lots of options to ladies and gents who want to get it on, right? Only if you can separate sex from feelings, if you can’t then FWB and BC are NOT for you.  Be forewarned! No judgement, I am a firm believer of “do what you want and what makes you happy” as long as no one gets hurt, and there is mutual consent. Just be smart about it.

Now what if you are looking for a long-term relationship? That’s another story.  You need to hold out.  As sexy as he is and how much he makes you hot and bothered … you need to wait.  Sorry ladies.  It’s essential.  He needs to get to know you for you … and he needs to want you bad too … it keeps him interested … and will make it that much better and special once it happens 🙂  The less you give the more he wants you, and if he leaves you because you don’t put out then he obviously wasn’t “the one”.  But you know that.  So if we know this, why don’t we always do it?  I think it’s a matter of self-control and security!  Just know who you are and don’t define yourself by any relationship.  Men come and go, but you have to be true to you.  I know, I know it sounds like some self-help guru … but it’s true.  Think about it logically.

Always remember that you need to embrace your sexuality and needs, but not at the expense of your self-respect.  It’s normal and natural.  Enjoy it, but do it for the right reasons with the right people.  Just be safe and happy 🙂  Although some men are mesmerizing and make you melt like butter on a hot day, be smart.  This makes me think of one of my dangerous liaisons … well, I’ve said enough for today … I’ll tell you about it later 😉

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Copyright Single Dating Diva


  1. “How many of you look at some of the people your friends date and go “huh” or even “gross”. ALL THE TIME!! Even with strangers lol


      • I can see your points about waiting, though I admit that when I really like someone it’s very hard for me to wait. :/
        My rational problem with the above is I’ve been with guys who weren’t really sexually compatible with me. And I’ve decided that sexual compatibility is a deal breaker for me. So… do you think waiting for exclusivity is still a good idea in my case?


  2. I’ve found from personal experience that FWB have an expiration date, after a certain amount of time feelings start to creep into the relatinoship (arrangement?), could just be me of course 🙂

    “Always remember that you need to embrace your sexuality and needs, but not at the expense of your self-respect” – I like that 🙂


    • Thanks for the comment! Yes, definitely … there’s such a fine line when you go into FWB territory, you have to be able to separate emotions from the physical stuff. Same for booty calls!


  3. I have to say I disagree with the statement: “The less you give the more he wants you” The guy doesn’t want more because you withhold from him… he wants more because he thinks somehow there are twenty other guys much cooler, hotter, wealthier – whatever, than him clamoring to be with you… It’s a competition thing…. The MAIN point should be not about women giving less…. that’s too negative and controlling… women need to create the perception (real or imagined) that they are very high in demand… that they don’t have time to bend over backwards and take any small morsel they can get from a guy… It should be about women being so freaking confident and in love with themselves and emitting that, that guys basically stumble over themselves to be with her and drool all over whatever she says… It’s an electric feeling to be around someone who is not jumping at someone’s every whim…. Don’t answer the phone every time he calls, and don’t call back for a few hours either (maybe not until the next day) – and only if he left a message. I don’t care if you have to chain yourself fifty feet away from your phone… DON’T DO IT… Don’t be available for anything planned within less than three days… set the standard that he must actually plan ahead and put some effort in to be with you. FROM.THE.BEGINNING. THEN if he isn’t able to do that – well, he’s not worthy. PERIOD. Trust me. You do this from day one, in a sweet, kind and flirtatious way, he WILL always come through if he is at all worth his salt. If he doesn’t, well, if you’ve done this from the very beginning, telling yourself that those other 50 hotter guys are REALLY OUT THERE CLAMORING FOR YOU, and imagining it to be so… and visualizing how AWESOME you are… while following these steps… well, if he isn’t worth his salt you won’t get your heart hurt, because he will drop off right away…


  4. Great post SDD!!! I really don’t understand the physical only angle – but that point is irrelevant – if that works for the person/couple then great! – regarding the long term angle – the more trust, safety, respect, appreciation for the other as the person that they are including their complete femininity or masculinity (as they compliment each other) and if there is a natural compatibility, then the deeper the rapport and the absolutely hotter the escalation into sexuality and sexual expression can be…if you do it right…then she is so happy, so excited, and so ready to receive, that you can get her orgasmic even before you get her clothes off…and it just gets better from there…you can’t get there on a booty call – simply because there is not enough time to build that rapport and it is the mental excitement coupled with the deep trust that allows HIM to lead HER mind and body into places she has never gone before – I choose THAT !!

    Even if you are not going to marry the person or have a long term relationship with them – how exciting to still take the time to get to know them well enough to enjoy this wonderful pleasure exchange – and there is no “waiting” because the game can begin in minute one of the meeting…and then doesn’t stop until one of you chooses to stop engaging.

    If I won’t at least invest the time to get to know someone so that we BOTH may enjoy the pleasure of that journey, then I probably would rather select someone else with whom I would invest that time and take the journey, no?? I would not settle for less than that – especially with so many high quality women who would KILL for this kind of dedicated attention…of seeing and appreciating and loving ALL of her (love is a verb that comes before the feeling).

    And no need to forestall the orgasms…as soon as she is ready to trust you and is open to raising the excitement level…lead her through it. Once she’s in that mode – she’ll basically do anything for you within her sexual envelope and if you both choose to continue the relationship, you can expand that envelope as far as she’ll stretch – which will be much farther than she’d ever admit to herself consciously.

    Unless of course the sex is all about HIM getting off, then this doesn’t work because this requires the sex to be all about HER experiencing pleasure and knowing how to do this and being willing to do it, and then HIS pleasure is a consequence of that – of which there will be no shortage. She gets the attention and pleasure she desires. He gets to feel like her hero AND he gets amazing pleasure in return from a fully satisfied and happy woman. That is what they call a “win-win” I believe!!


    • Thanks Andrew for all your great insights. Sex with someone who you care about is always much better than an unfulfilling one night stand that almost always leaves you feeling unsatisfied after the fact.


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